Smarter than some?

“Smarter than some” might be stretching it. I really thought the Presidential election was this November. It turns out the 2008 election is actually going to be held in 2008. That is not at all cool. I am a fat man. Moving the finish line of the campaign trail out 12 months is like giving me a death sentence. In order to have had any chance at all, I needed the race to be a downhill sprint where my girth/momentum would give me a fighting chance. This campaign is officially on life support. I don’t have the attention span or enough material to last 21 months. I was just looking at the Presidency as a stopgap…something to make my wife quit asking when I’m going to get a job. I thought I’d go through the motions as President until I got a TV show or movie deal, at which point I’d give my two weeks notice. Now what?

Using the Presidency as a Stepping Stone

My primary motivation for becoming President is the generous retirement package. But, I also plan to use the Presidency to launch my comedy career. I imagine it will be easier to get a meeting with Comedy Central as an ex-President rather than as an ex-accountant.

While I’ll be able to devote more time to the funny once I leave office, I think I can still find time to do comedy projects while presidenting. I’ve always wanted to work with Ashton Kucher and I think a Presidential version of Punk’d would get huge ratings. Imagine the look on the head of the CIA’s face when I have the secret service restrain him while I literally try to debrief him. How would Queen Elizabeth react if I told her I noticed her giving me the eye and wondered if she wanted to get busy? What if I asked French president Jacques Chirac if there really was a place in France where the women wear no pants? I wonder if Boris Yeltsin would fall for it if I called him on the red phone and said, "One, two, three, four, let's declare a Cold War". How many episodes could I do before being impeached?

To do: find out how long you have to be President before your retirement plan is vested.

Campaign Slogan

“Smarter than some, friend of a few” was a campaign slogan I created years ago in the unlikely event that I ever ran for public office. (Quick aside: Why is the adjective “public” needed when discussing the kind of office toward which you’re running? Has anyone ever run for private office?) The intent of the slogan was to depict myself as a borderline retard without many friends whose best chance for winning was to get sympathy votes.

Smarter than some. I’m not going to be the smartest Presidential candidate. In fact, I’ll likely be the dumbest ever. But, all the other candidates will have the burden of trying to prove they’re smart. This becomes next to impossible with the press hanging on your every word just waiting for you to misspell potato. If my slogan helps to convince people I’m stupid, any signs I show of actual brain activity will result in far more praise than I deserve. I’m making myself out to be the Presidential candidate version of a Special Olympian.

Friend of a few. I don’t like people. That’s why I don’t plan to hit the campaign trail in the traditional sense. I’m not going to travel. Kissing babies? Guess again. I can’t in good conscience put my lips on a little person who could take down my campaign by giving me jaundice or the colic. And shaking hands. Gimme a break! Not a chance. Why would I shake anyone’s hand before I’m able to enact my urinal code reform laws that require prison sentences for people who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom? While shaking hands and kissing babies, Obama, Clinton, and the rest are playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette. If their willingness to touch other humans ends up giving them a terminal illness, that’s their funeral…and more votes for me.

On the surface “Smarter than some, friend of a few” seems innocent, but underneath lies a carefully crafted strategy that depends on people underestimating me as well as the unfortunate passing of my opponents.

Skeletons

Barack Obama is getting all kinds of praise for being honest about his past. Instead of trying to spin his drug use with a Clintonian “but I didn’t inhale”, he freely admitted to using marijuana and even cocaine.

That’s nothing.

I’ve already admitted to being a theoretical heterosexual who faked hot man on man action with my running mate. I’d also like to state that, for the record, I’ve never used drugs, but have every intention of experimenting once I become President. I’ll convert the Lincoln bedroom to a phony evidence room for seized drugs and start smoking herbs with tour groups. I’ll keep some kind of phony doctor on staff to write prescriptions for medicinal marijuana. The I-Pod generation may not care about politics yet, but I believe that would change if a White House staffer dressed like Dr. Pepper prescribed weed to help kids deal with everything from gingivitis to senioritis.

If I had a campaign manager, he or she would probably tell me that I’ve already said too much. But, I’ve got more skeletons in my closest than common sense, and would like to also drop this bombshell: I once tried out for Baywatch. Clips from that painful experience have been poorly edited into this clip. Top this Obama…

Update: This video is foreshadowing what my Presidential term will be like...concept > execution. The idea of editing my fat self in a Speedo into the Baywatch open seemed great. The finished product, however, is less than great. I really wanted to take this video down, but was convinced by Craig H. Wonder to leave it up. He was the one who spent hours video taping me and giving me stage directions like, "do that again so that I can get a better shot of your boobs giggling". Plus he bought me the swimsuit. I feel like I owe it to him to leave up this piece of performance art.

Re-update: The video has been taken down due to Youtube's policy prohibiting the exhibition of fat, balding, ugly, pale men.

Stupidity Tax 2

I just read this article about cigarettes selling for $125 a pack in California prisons. My immediate thought was to loan my Costco card to my contacts in the Norwegian Mafia and make some quick cash. But, I’m a Presidential candidate and need to think about what’s best for the country.

So I’m recommending my stupidity tax be levied against the state of California for banning tobacco in prisons. For starters, smoking is cool. Taking smokes away from prisoners is like taking away Fonzi’s leather jacket. Not only should they not be banning tobacco, they should be educating prisoners on the importance of smoking, so as to increase the number of smokers. Governor Schwarzenegger has an ingenious plan to send inmates to other states to alleviate California prison overcrowding. Wouldn’t giving inmates cancer be easier? If prisons were able to sell ciagarettes to inmates, there would be no budget shortfall.

The only good thing that came out of California’s stupidity was setting the black market price for cigarettes, which helped me determine their fine. 172,000 inmates smoking a pack a day would generate over $100,000,000. Until California wises up and starts taking advantage of its prisoners by selling them overpriced, addictive, cancer causing sticks of fun, they will be on the hook for the $100m in lost revenue.

No Child Left Behind

My inbox is chock full of great questions from concerned citizens. Due to time and intelligence restraints, I’m only able to answer one question at this time…

Q. Are you for or against leaving children behind? Please make a statement regarding this important issue. Thanks for your time.

A. I think it was Ronald Reagan who said, “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way”. But, even Reagan couldn’t have predicted how dumb kids have gotten in the 21st century. Their brains are fried thanks to near lethal doses of video games, you tube, and text messaging. Do we really want our future to be in their hands? Of course not. It just makes sense to leave the dumbest kids behind. But since the dumb bar has been set so low, I’m worried that leaving kids behind would result in the overcrowding of our public schools by big, dumb kids.

The complexity of this issue forced me to waste some time reading about the controversial “No Child Left Behind Act” on Wikipedia. I couldn’t make it through more than a few sentences without thinking that we might be better served by leaving a President behind. It looks like just another way to encourage our brightest minds to choose a profession other than teaching. It piles more work on educators who are already overworked and underpaid.

NCLB’s emphasis on reading and math ensures that teachers will be forced to take time away from other subjects. Reading and math are overrated. To focus on them and not teach comedy will do our country more harm than good. Do we want our kids to grow up with the misguided notion that shows like “According to Jim” are actually funny? Reading may be fundamental, but it’s not very funny. It’s time we develop curriculum aimed at cultivating the comedic sensibilities of America’s future comedy writers. Assuming my Presidential term sinks our country even deeper into the proverbial crapper, it will be more important than ever to laugh.

On a more serious note, the biggest issue I see in education is that teacher salaries and benefits continue to lag well behind corporate jobs that require similar skill sets. Today’s youth gone wild are not going to want to teach unless we make it worth their while. Under my leadership, teacher salaries will increase with the help of online poker. If online poker was legalized and regulated, it is estimated that we would see a $3 billion boost in tax revenue. That $3 billion sounds like a lot, until you divide it amongst the 3 million teachers in the U.S. 1000 bucks per teacher isn’t going to cut it. But, what if teachers were given the exclusive ability to recruit online poker players and got a percentage of the action that they brought in? “Okay class. Today we’re going to learn how to get a credit card in your parent’s name and start an account at Party Poker”.

We needn't continue burdening teachers and students with pointless NCLB testing. It's time we had an educational system centered on comedy and poker. Kids will have fun learning and teachers will be more motivated than ever. Politics is easy.

Campaign Help Wanted

I have turned to Craiglist to help my presidential campaign, posting the letter below…
Update: My post only lasted 12 hours before a Craiglist user (my money is on Yakov Smirnoff) flagged it for not being up to Craiglist’s high standards. The post has been deleted. Granted, this isn’t my best work, but good Lord, it's not like I violated the Geneva Conventions. How could anyone take this seriously?

Attention Thousandaires: Happy President’s Day from your next Prez

Hello,

My name is Matt and like so many Americans I suffer from the embarrassment of lactose intolerance. But, my disability is not going to stop me from pursuing my boyhood dream of becoming an ex-President of the United States. Former Presidents make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year and don’t have to do anything. If ever there was a job that matched my skill sets, ex-President is it. But, how does a fat, balding, badly mustached average American become the leader of the free world?

By championing a cause that every American can get behind.

Recently I made a video about the urinals in my office’s men’s room being dangerously close together. The Man tried to shut me up by firing me, giving me some lame excuse about it being inappropriate to bring video cameras into the men’s room. I was terminated for standing up for what I believe in: that Americans have an unalienable right to have enough room to comfortably relieve themselves in public restrooms. So, I’ve decided to center my campaign on the Urinal Code Reform platform. If you’re against that, you might want to get yourself tested for Communism.

I believe that Americans want a leader that takes a genuine interest in how they pee. I need talented people who agree with my strong urinal code values to help me run my campaign. I am currently looking for all types of volunteers. Experience with graffiti art a plus. Forget party affiliations and pledge your allegiance to the candidate that crosses party lines by trying to put an end to cross streaming at public urinals.

Thank you,
Matt

Matt H. Wonder for President, Come on, it’ll be funny

For more information on my current standing on the issues (subject to change without notice)…
http://twohitwonder.blogspot.com/search/label/Presidential%20Campaign

Video that started my crusade against urinal code injustice…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWWphdDbJqc