Urinal Code Reform

Since I announced my candidacy for President I have been inundated with media requests to explain why I’m centering my campaign on urinal code reform. The main reason is that I know nothing about any of the other issues. Plus, urinal code affects almost every single American daily.

What American hasn’t nearly gagged at some of the sights they’ve seen in restrooms…people not washing their hands, toilets left unflushed, puddles of liquid that didn’t quite reach their intended destination, and people who dropped a giant loogie gently from their mouth only to have it hit so squarely on the mat inside the urinal that it bounced up and them in the eyebrow. Okay, maybe I’m the only one who has experienced that last example, but dammit it’s time we face the fact that we live in a country where public restrooms are a disgrace.

I’m not going to be able to fix Iraq or balance the budget, so as President I intend to go after some low hanging fruit in an effort to give us something to be proud of. I might not be able to figure out why the hell we can’t win Olympic gold medals in basketball, but I’ll sure try to clean up our public toilets. Close your eyes and imagine a magical land where positive restroom experiences are the norm rather than the exception. That’s no fairy tale. It’s a dream that can come true…if I am written in on approximately 50 million ballots come November.

Now that I’ve answered the why, let me move on to the plan itself. One little blog entry will not do this issue justice, so I’ll simply detail a few of the highlights. And if you don’t back my plan, go back to Russia.

When I used to work, I was puzzled by the smell that wafted through my nostrils whenever I entered the restroom after lunch. It was a weird combination of old man ass and maple syrup. I will enlist Kenneth Starr to head an investigation to identify the origin of that smell.

Handles on the inside of a restroom will be outlawed. Stall doors, sinks, flushers, and paper towel dispensers must be automatic. The cold hard truth is this…when people sit on toilets; fingers and/or thumbs end up breaking through the sandpapery single-ply toilet paper. No one wants to touch a handle after it has been soiled by someone who literally just had their thumb up their ass.

My opponents will argue against jail time for people who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom. I will not be that soft. The public should not be subjected to the germs of some freak that thinks it’s perfectly normal to not wash his hands after holding his ding a ling for thirty seconds. If you do the crime, you will do the time. Three strikes will result in a mandatory 40-year prison sentence.

The final piece of urinal code reform needs a brief preface. In seventh grade Kam Merritt used to pee on Brian in the showers after gym class. Brian complained causing Coach Terpstra to utter the following, “Kam, if I hear that you pee on one more person, we’re going to line up the entire class and we’re all going to pee on you.” That punishment seems about right for Osama Bin Laden. During my regime, I promise to catch him, tie him up in Central Park and let all those who lost loved ones during 9/11 urinate on him. He will then advance directly to the general population at Sing Sing maximum-security prison where he will serve out a life sentence as somebody’s bitch.

Okay that’s enough for now. Let me close by saying that I’m not going to blow smoke. What you see is what you get. I’m not going to be just another phony candidate who overpromises and underdelivers. Don’t get me wrong…I will underdeliver, but I’m letting you know that up front. If I’m able to fix restrooms in my first four years in office, perhaps I will move on to something more meaningful in my second term…like making sure that Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence never make another movie where they dress up like fat old ladies.

Matt Hit Wonder: Smarter than some, friend of a few.