Letter to Extreme Makeover Home Edition

Dear Extreme Makeover Home Edition,

I love to go behind the scenes of hit TV shows to see what makes them tick. That’s why I was so touched that you submitted a private, interoffice memo to the Smoking Gun website detailing the type of horrifying afflictions it will take to become a contestant on your show for the 2006-2007 season. To sum up the article, they are looking for…

· Extraordinary mom/dad recently diagnosed with ALS
· Family who has child with PROGERIA (aka “little old man disease”)
· Chronic Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA) There are 17 known cases in the US-let me know if one is in your town! This is where kids cannot feel any physical pain.
· Muscular Dystrophy Child – Amazing kid who is changing people’s view about MD
· MADD / Drunk Drivng – Family turns tragedy into triumph after losing a child to drunk driving
· Family who has multiple children with Down Syndrome
· Amazing/loved Mom or Dad diagnosed with melanoma/skin cancer.
· Home Invasion – family robbed, house messed up (vandalized) – kids fear safety in their own home now.
· Victims of hate crime in own home. Family’s house victim of arson or severely vandalized.

The competitors on American Idol have gotten better each year, but the EMHE contestants had really leveled out. I mean, come on, how many times were we going to see you help a disabled war hero or a family that lost their primary breadwinner? It’s good to see that you’ve progressed from helping people suffering from “bad asthma” or “one bedroom too few” to people with conditions that will draw a larger TV viewing audience.

Would an ordinary mom/dad recently diagnosed with ALS make your cut in 2006? Not a chance. The new and improved Extreme Home Makeover Idol requires parents to not only have ALS, but they also need to be “extraordinary”.

And thanks for the dignity with which you handled the horrible sounding disease, PROGERIA. I’m sure calling it “little old man disease” brought a big smile to Emmanuel Lewis’s face.
You’ve turned the difficult task of casting your contestants into a fun scavenger hunt for extremely rare maladies. There are only 17 kids with CIPA in the USA!!! Find one of them and they could win some great new appliances from Sears!!! Do you know a kid with Muscular Dystrophy? Can he juggle?

In a prior season, you helped a family whose house was torn up when a drunk driver drove through their living room. Thankfully, the mom was able to get the baby out of the way just in time. Next season, that won’t be good enough. According to your memo that scenario now requires a fatality in order to make it on air.

I have a friend with skin cancer. But, she’s neither amazing nor loved so no new home for her. Too bad she couldn’t have been diagnosed in 2003.

You are well on your way to helping America see ABC as the network that cares enough about their advertisers that they will do whatever it takes to beat “the Simpsons” in the ratings. While I applaud the direction you’re headed, it would be nice if you added a toll free line where viewers could vote off the least deserving potential home makeover candidates. Ordinarily, families “suffering” from a home invasion wouldn’t stand a chance against some of the other categories, but if America was deciding, perhaps a home-invaded family with a hot nanny or pool boy could have a chance.

Craig and I have a dream to entertain America, but because we both suffer from working crappy jobs in Corporate America, we don’t have the time or energy to realize our dream. We also have trouble walking up a single flight of stairs without getting winded. Please build us a house (with an elevator).

Thanks,
Matt