Dear James Frey,
Okay. Okay. So a more appropriate title for your book would have been “Not very many little pieces” or “I’m a lying piece of….”. Big deal. Now you have a million little dollars.
We think you’re a visionary. We’ve been spreading ourselves too thin trying for two hits. You have proven that one is plenty. We’ve tried to be honest and forthright. You’ve shown that lying and conning Oprah results in a much faster track to success. We’re looking for a life coach. You seem to have mastered life.
There’s no need to submit a resume, because we all know that resumes are not held to the same standards as other works of non-fiction. In the resume genre, the writer usually takes liberties. We’ll just assume you think you’re qualified. We look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks,
Matt
Monday, December 19, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Letter to Neil Diamond
Dear Neil Diamond,
Dude, are you kidding me? Your concert last night freaking rocked. You are the greatest showman since George Michael. I’m writing to say that I’d leave Craig in a heartbeat if you would be wonder number 2. I’ll replace the picture of Craig in a pirate shirt with a pic of you and your sequins. I doubt anyone will even notice…although I might need to draw in a moustache on your face. It’s amazing that you’ve been so successful without the help of a moustache.
If there’s one thing I learned last night, it’s that I’m not in your target demographic...talk about a GILF-o-Rama. If there is a second thing I learned, it’s that if, in the middle of “Play Me”, I yell out, “PLAY ME NEIL DIAMOND…PLAY ME”, I get weird looks from all of the sixtysomethings. I also realized for the first time that very few of your songs are about grown men who give up their dreams of becoming writers and instead work in Accounts Payable.
You are an inspiration. You write what you want to write, throw your art out there for the world to see and part of the world takes it and part of the world leaves it. In looking at our 2HW site statistics, I noticed that most of the world has chosen the “leave it” route. But, did you give up when all 4 audience members booed you in the Greenwich coffee houses you played in the 1960s? No, you knew that 9 to 5 wasn’t taking you where you were bound (yeah).
Except for the part where you pursued your dreams and I gave up on mine, we’re pretty much soul mates. Like you, I am a frog who dreams of being a king. I had imaginary friends like Shilo. I talk to chairs all the time and I get the same result you get…they don’t hear me. Your teachers said “He has a good head if he’d apply it”…mine said “Matt needs to watch his smart remarks in class”.
Have you noticed the Hollywood trend of making below average retro TV shows into major motion pictures? What if we zigged while everyone else was zagging and made your movie, the Jazz Singer, into a sitcom called “The Jazz Singer”? Craig and I would combine to play the role that you played…young Jewish singer/songwriter. We’d love for you to play the role of the rigid Jewish father.
Dig It,
Matt
P.S. Last night, they sold out of XXL “Neil Diamond Forever” brown jerseys. I’d like 2.
Dude, are you kidding me? Your concert last night freaking rocked. You are the greatest showman since George Michael. I’m writing to say that I’d leave Craig in a heartbeat if you would be wonder number 2. I’ll replace the picture of Craig in a pirate shirt with a pic of you and your sequins. I doubt anyone will even notice…although I might need to draw in a moustache on your face. It’s amazing that you’ve been so successful without the help of a moustache.
If there’s one thing I learned last night, it’s that I’m not in your target demographic...talk about a GILF-o-Rama. If there is a second thing I learned, it’s that if, in the middle of “Play Me”, I yell out, “PLAY ME NEIL DIAMOND…PLAY ME”, I get weird looks from all of the sixtysomethings. I also realized for the first time that very few of your songs are about grown men who give up their dreams of becoming writers and instead work in Accounts Payable.
You are an inspiration. You write what you want to write, throw your art out there for the world to see and part of the world takes it and part of the world leaves it. In looking at our 2HW site statistics, I noticed that most of the world has chosen the “leave it” route. But, did you give up when all 4 audience members booed you in the Greenwich coffee houses you played in the 1960s? No, you knew that 9 to 5 wasn’t taking you where you were bound (yeah).
Except for the part where you pursued your dreams and I gave up on mine, we’re pretty much soul mates. Like you, I am a frog who dreams of being a king. I had imaginary friends like Shilo. I talk to chairs all the time and I get the same result you get…they don’t hear me. Your teachers said “He has a good head if he’d apply it”…mine said “Matt needs to watch his smart remarks in class”.
Have you noticed the Hollywood trend of making below average retro TV shows into major motion pictures? What if we zigged while everyone else was zagging and made your movie, the Jazz Singer, into a sitcom called “The Jazz Singer”? Craig and I would combine to play the role that you played…young Jewish singer/songwriter. We’d love for you to play the role of the rigid Jewish father.
Dig It,
Matt
P.S. Last night, they sold out of XXL “Neil Diamond Forever” brown jerseys. I’d like 2.
Thursday, December 8, 2005
Letter to Oprah
Dear Oprah,
We’re big fans of David Letterman, and our wives love that guy who was on your show who tells women, “He’s just not that into you”. You had a fake feud with Letterman over the past 15 years, and when you appeared on his show last week, the show drew an audience triple its normal size. You’re already hugely popular, but throw in a little controversy and you’re a regular Howard Stern.
Turns out our site traffic is down, so we’d like to start a feud with you. We think the color purple is stupid. Blue is much better. When you’re ready to make up let us know and we’ll get the olive branch ready and brace our web mistress for our increased traffic.
Thanks,
2HW
We’re big fans of David Letterman, and our wives love that guy who was on your show who tells women, “He’s just not that into you”. You had a fake feud with Letterman over the past 15 years, and when you appeared on his show last week, the show drew an audience triple its normal size. You’re already hugely popular, but throw in a little controversy and you’re a regular Howard Stern.
Turns out our site traffic is down, so we’d like to start a feud with you. We think the color purple is stupid. Blue is much better. When you’re ready to make up let us know and we’ll get the olive branch ready and brace our web mistress for our increased traffic.
Thanks,
2HW
Sunday, December 4, 2005
Fans Demand Pictures of Craig (again)
So on a scale of one to ten, when do you think I’ll get to see the pics of the uncomfortable and very shirtless Craig in his office?Also, how come this web site rocks so f-ing hard?
Ted
A common misconception is that Craig only does photo shoots shirtless. While Craig did go Speedo shopping the day he took photos of himself at the office, he was not wearing the Speedo at the time the pictures were taken (although he did wear his Speedo to work yesterday since his hot water heater is broken and the snug fitting swimwear is his emergency back up pair of underpants). We apologize for the delay in photos being posted, but tech support has not been able to fix the picture portion of the website. Don’t worry though, autographed 8X10 glossies of Craig’s chest will soon be available in the 2HW store.
As for your final question, this site rocks so f-ing hard because we are the Cadillac of low brow buddy comedy websites. To paraphrase our friends Tenacious D, “If you want your ass blown out…keep logging on to 2HW dot com”.
A. Schmack Out
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Letter to George Lucas
Dear George Lucas,
You have no idea how close I was to inventing Star Wars in 1975. You could easily be the one working in Accounts Payable.
I heard you’re running out of episodes. Don’t worry…I’m working on two new ones. I decided the heavy, action packed Star Wars theme has been overdone. It’s time to mix up the franchise with a screwball buddy comedy and a teen drama.
The buddy comedy will focus on the mid life crisis of Han Solo, who will get into some crazy situations thanks to the bad advice of his second cousin, Keith Solo. I’m picturing them in their mid thirties, with large guts and thinning hair. I know a couple of guys who were born to play these guys.
The teen drama will center on the sexual awakening of a young Luke Skywalker. It will be similar to American Pie, with young Luke spending much of the film fending off the unwanted advances of Yoda, Chewbaca and an extremely horny C3PO.
Thanks,
Matt on behalf of 2HW
Monday, October 24, 2005
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs: Below is a list of the questions we’ve received most often (and by “most often” we mean “once” and by “received” we mean “wished someone would have asked us”). Feel free to submit your own questions to mail at twohitwonder dot com
What do you hope to accomplish with this website?
M: I’d like to see this website become the launching pad for a career precisely one half as successful as Jared from Subway’s.
C: To secure our position as the fourth funniest buddy comedy in America.
Often where-are-they-nows are done after a person becomes a celebrity. Why do you feel it’s important to tell people where you are prior to becoming stars?
M: Mainly because I just got laid off.
C: “Prior to becoming stars?” You must be confused. There are millions of stars in outer space that cannot be seen by the human eye from earth. Simply because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Nonetheless, we feel this website is necessary in order to properly document our climb up the proverbial ladder of becoming American icons.
Why two hit wonder?
M: I apologize in advance, because this actually has a long and serious answer. I had always thought of myself as a genius (mainly due to a self graded IQ test that I cheated on in a high school psychology class). But, really started second guessing myself when I was turned down for a position as a Snappy Car Rental Customer Service Rep. Then I watched an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy starring Thomas Haden Church, Jeff Foxworthy and Jasmine Bleeth. Suddenly, I was a genius again. That day I decided to become a celebrity. And not some run-of-the-mill future Surreal Life cast member celebrity. I would need to be twice as good.C: onehitwonder dot com was already taken, obviously an omen that while we were at it we might as well do it twice.
What type of hits are you planning to have?M: I’m in preproduction of a screenplay trilogy based on our life stories. Our 5 years of college, I’m calling “Older, Fatter School”…Our 5 years trying to figure out what the hell went wrong I’m calling “Fight Club II: No more fighting”…and our 5 years working for the man will be called “Office Place”. Think Lord of the Rings with less wizards.
C: We’re really wanting to focus on cult classics like that one film where people go to the movie theater all dressed up and act out the lines and stuff. I can’t remember the name of it but I think its in black and white and has something to do with Frankenstien or monsters or something like that. Nonetheless, it seems like it’s been pretty popular but I just hope our fans aren’t that weird.
A lot of celebrities are skinny and good looking. How do you plan to combat your obvious disadvantage in those areas?
M: I’m taking a class on magic.
C: In some cultures girth is a sign of fertility. Isn’t baldness seen as a sign of infertility? Well, that should equal it out. And we’ll use a lot of mirrors.
Do you have any memorabilia available for purchase on Ebay?
M: What would you be willing to buy and how much would you be willing to bid? Seriously though, start-up companies have initial public offerings to generate cash flow. Wouldn’t it make sense for us to give our fan(s) the chance to purchase some of our every day household items that may not be worth much now, but have the potential to be worth a fraction of what you might pay for them on eBay if our careers are as successful as many have predicted.
C: No, but during the courtship of my wife I saved my belly button lint in a jar. She didn’t find it impressive. The bidding will start at $1.
What’s wrong with you?
M: I have mental problems.
C: Um, I’m not sure I understand the question.
What is your favorite cuss word?
M: Dickweed. And it’s not even close.
C: Carlos.
If you were a product, what would be your marketing slogan?
M: I could go two ways here. If you break it, you bought it. Or if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
C: The real thing. Twice.
Does this site have t-shirts for sale?
M: Yes.
C: Not really.
It sounds like it would be almost impossible for your project to be unsuccessful. Have you already negotiated a deal to make and market action figures of yourselves?
M: I’m not sure if “action” would be the right adjective, but we are working on a shoe deal with Kangaroos.
C: “Action Figures” is so prejudiced against the 9-5er. It encourages false hopes of excitement and purpose in the minds of little kiddy suburbanites. We refuse to lie to our peeps. So, we just call them “Figures”. It requires a lot less movement.
Are those pictures at the top of the website really you?
M: We wish we were that good looking. We scoured the world-wide-web looking for pictures of guys that looked the part. These two idiots might as well have had “two hit wonder” stamped on their forehead. Nice moustaches!
C: We often use stunt doubles during photo shoots. We can’t afford to risk injury or defamation of our God given beauty. Those flashes are bright! I think we found these two guys outside the Y dumpster diving.
Some have said that your lack of success to date is likely due to the fact that you are in fact over-talented. Please comment.
M: Thank you for noticing. We are flat out genetic freaks. Looks that could stop traffic. Senses of humor that rival Gallagher. Writing skills that are every bit as unpredictable (and as funny as) a Hardy Boy’s novel. How does that much raw talent settle on one genre?
C: Being a star takes a large commitment from many people. We’ve finally reached that point of humility where we are willing to let others work for us.
This website could really use a soundtrack?
M: Technically, that’s not a question, but you are correct.
C: We have a few songs in the works like “Bye-Bye Boy”, “Steak and Lobster Baby” and a blues meets beginning guitar southern rock rendition of ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb”. Matt’s been working on a tune that speaks to the trials of the working-man and some sort of rash he gets from his mouse pad. It will blow you away.
What is your favorite kind of salt?
M: Iodized.
What do you hope to accomplish with this website?
M: I’d like to see this website become the launching pad for a career precisely one half as successful as Jared from Subway’s.
C: To secure our position as the fourth funniest buddy comedy in America.
Often where-are-they-nows are done after a person becomes a celebrity. Why do you feel it’s important to tell people where you are prior to becoming stars?
M: Mainly because I just got laid off.
C: “Prior to becoming stars?” You must be confused. There are millions of stars in outer space that cannot be seen by the human eye from earth. Simply because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Nonetheless, we feel this website is necessary in order to properly document our climb up the proverbial ladder of becoming American icons.
Why two hit wonder?
M: I apologize in advance, because this actually has a long and serious answer. I had always thought of myself as a genius (mainly due to a self graded IQ test that I cheated on in a high school psychology class). But, really started second guessing myself when I was turned down for a position as a Snappy Car Rental Customer Service Rep. Then I watched an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy starring Thomas Haden Church, Jeff Foxworthy and Jasmine Bleeth. Suddenly, I was a genius again. That day I decided to become a celebrity. And not some run-of-the-mill future Surreal Life cast member celebrity. I would need to be twice as good.C: onehitwonder dot com was already taken, obviously an omen that while we were at it we might as well do it twice.
What type of hits are you planning to have?M: I’m in preproduction of a screenplay trilogy based on our life stories. Our 5 years of college, I’m calling “Older, Fatter School”…Our 5 years trying to figure out what the hell went wrong I’m calling “Fight Club II: No more fighting”…and our 5 years working for the man will be called “Office Place”. Think Lord of the Rings with less wizards.
C: We’re really wanting to focus on cult classics like that one film where people go to the movie theater all dressed up and act out the lines and stuff. I can’t remember the name of it but I think its in black and white and has something to do with Frankenstien or monsters or something like that. Nonetheless, it seems like it’s been pretty popular but I just hope our fans aren’t that weird.
A lot of celebrities are skinny and good looking. How do you plan to combat your obvious disadvantage in those areas?
M: I’m taking a class on magic.
C: In some cultures girth is a sign of fertility. Isn’t baldness seen as a sign of infertility? Well, that should equal it out. And we’ll use a lot of mirrors.
Do you have any memorabilia available for purchase on Ebay?
M: What would you be willing to buy and how much would you be willing to bid? Seriously though, start-up companies have initial public offerings to generate cash flow. Wouldn’t it make sense for us to give our fan(s) the chance to purchase some of our every day household items that may not be worth much now, but have the potential to be worth a fraction of what you might pay for them on eBay if our careers are as successful as many have predicted.
C: No, but during the courtship of my wife I saved my belly button lint in a jar. She didn’t find it impressive. The bidding will start at $1.
What’s wrong with you?
M: I have mental problems.
C: Um, I’m not sure I understand the question.
What is your favorite cuss word?
M: Dickweed. And it’s not even close.
C: Carlos.
If you were a product, what would be your marketing slogan?
M: I could go two ways here. If you break it, you bought it. Or if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
C: The real thing. Twice.
Does this site have t-shirts for sale?
M: Yes.
C: Not really.
It sounds like it would be almost impossible for your project to be unsuccessful. Have you already negotiated a deal to make and market action figures of yourselves?
M: I’m not sure if “action” would be the right adjective, but we are working on a shoe deal with Kangaroos.
C: “Action Figures” is so prejudiced against the 9-5er. It encourages false hopes of excitement and purpose in the minds of little kiddy suburbanites. We refuse to lie to our peeps. So, we just call them “Figures”. It requires a lot less movement.
Are those pictures at the top of the website really you?
M: We wish we were that good looking. We scoured the world-wide-web looking for pictures of guys that looked the part. These two idiots might as well have had “two hit wonder” stamped on their forehead. Nice moustaches!
C: We often use stunt doubles during photo shoots. We can’t afford to risk injury or defamation of our God given beauty. Those flashes are bright! I think we found these two guys outside the Y dumpster diving.
Some have said that your lack of success to date is likely due to the fact that you are in fact over-talented. Please comment.
M: Thank you for noticing. We are flat out genetic freaks. Looks that could stop traffic. Senses of humor that rival Gallagher. Writing skills that are every bit as unpredictable (and as funny as) a Hardy Boy’s novel. How does that much raw talent settle on one genre?
C: Being a star takes a large commitment from many people. We’ve finally reached that point of humility where we are willing to let others work for us.
This website could really use a soundtrack?
M: Technically, that’s not a question, but you are correct.
C: We have a few songs in the works like “Bye-Bye Boy”, “Steak and Lobster Baby” and a blues meets beginning guitar southern rock rendition of ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb”. Matt’s been working on a tune that speaks to the trials of the working-man and some sort of rash he gets from his mouse pad. It will blow you away.
What is your favorite kind of salt?
M: Iodized.
Letter to Paul Rudd
Dear Paul Rudd,
Remember us? Shawnee Mission West High School in the late eighties. You used to give the morning announcements, we used to listen to the morning announcements. Those were the days. Craig was a Vike Stud (for the uninformed that’s code for adolescent boys prancing around in sweater vests trying to imitate the girl’s drill team) the year they got banned for doing too many pelvic thrusts. He broke a mini-tramp and split his pants in the final performance. Anyway, we’ve missed you and/or we are looking for work. Did you get most of your jobs by emailing big stars and networks asking if you could be in a spinoff series of their hit show? Cause, we’ve been trying that and it is not working at all.
Thanks,
2HW
Remember us? Shawnee Mission West High School in the late eighties. You used to give the morning announcements, we used to listen to the morning announcements. Those were the days. Craig was a Vike Stud (for the uninformed that’s code for adolescent boys prancing around in sweater vests trying to imitate the girl’s drill team) the year they got banned for doing too many pelvic thrusts. He broke a mini-tramp and split his pants in the final performance. Anyway, we’ve missed you and/or we are looking for work. Did you get most of your jobs by emailing big stars and networks asking if you could be in a spinoff series of their hit show? Cause, we’ve been trying that and it is not working at all.
Thanks,
2HW
Monday, October 17, 2005
Letter to William Shattner
Dear William Shattner,
I’m a big fan of your Boston Legal character Denny Crane. He takes me back to a simpler time, when it was okay to say “_____ is for fags”. Example…Shirley Schmidt tells you to get her coat. You tell her “Coats are for fags”.
While I’ve got your attention, what the hell was David E. Kelley thinking when he added two teenagers and that girl from “Ed” to this year’s cast? Is he trying to get some of the “O.C.’s” audience? Everyone with a brain knows that you and Spader are Boston Legal. I have to fast forward through the teen drama crap to get to more Denny Crane.
But, I digress. Why don’t you spin the hell out of there and let them be “The Practice II” (they can keep Candice), while you start your own firm with Alan Shore, Craig and I. “Boston Legal: Miami” is a blockbuster waiting to happen. I’ve had a lifelong dream to have a good reason to yell “YOU’RE BADGERING THE WITNESS!”
Thanks,
Matt from 2HW
I’m a big fan of your Boston Legal character Denny Crane. He takes me back to a simpler time, when it was okay to say “_____ is for fags”. Example…Shirley Schmidt tells you to get her coat. You tell her “Coats are for fags”.
While I’ve got your attention, what the hell was David E. Kelley thinking when he added two teenagers and that girl from “Ed” to this year’s cast? Is he trying to get some of the “O.C.’s” audience? Everyone with a brain knows that you and Spader are Boston Legal. I have to fast forward through the teen drama crap to get to more Denny Crane.
But, I digress. Why don’t you spin the hell out of there and let them be “The Practice II” (they can keep Candice), while you start your own firm with Alan Shore, Craig and I. “Boston Legal: Miami” is a blockbuster waiting to happen. I’ve had a lifelong dream to have a good reason to yell “YOU’RE BADGERING THE WITNESS!”
Thanks,
Matt from 2HW
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Fans Demand Pictures of Craig
FAT GUY PIX!!!!!!! HOW MANY X’S MUST I ASK!!!!!!!!
Ted
Thank you very much for your email. Due to unprecedented email volume, we have been slow to respond to the email (plural) that we have received. We apologize for any inconvenience.
For our readers at home who may not know that you were referring to Craig when you requested “Fat Guy” pics, I offer the following explanation:
“Who’s the Fat Guy?” is a confusing question. When we were in high school, Matt’s Grandpa was introduced to Craig. On their second meeting, Grandpa asked Craig if he had been gaining weight. Days later Matt introduced his grandpa to another friend, Greg. Grandpa said, “It’s nice to meet you jack and the bean stick, but where’s that fat kid at?” Craig’s “Fat Kid” persona was born. Since that time, Matt has gained 80 pounds and is the real Fat Kid, but Craig has been unable to shake his nickname.
Craig has been working feverishly to get some photos of himself for the website. We thought full body shots would be best. Craig is most comfortable without his shirt, so we decided the beach would be the ideal backdrop. Matt suggested that the pics be taken with Craig wearing only his moustache and a smile. His wife demanded that he at least wear a Speedo. Since then Craig has been trying to locate the perfect set of trunks. We searched Ebay and found some nice used black and white striped Speedos, but someone had already bid $1.99.
Yesterday, Craig shaved his goatee to just a moustache and went Speedo shopping at a Thrift Store (I can’t make this stuff up, well, I could, but it wouldn’t be as pathetic). Having no luck at the Thrift Store, Craig decided to get some pictures of himself at work, where he was recently named Associate of the Month. To take pictures, most people would have brought along a photographer. Not Craig. He and his moustache set up his tripod and began snapping pictures of himself using his camera’s timer. Just for a second, picture one of Craig’s co-workers coming in on a Saturday to a mostly empty office only to find a badly moustached, slightly overweight Craig alone in his cube with a tri-pod set up taking pictures of himself.
To say Craig and Matt have problems would be a considerable understatement. That said, pics of Craig in the office should be available soon. Pics of Craig on the beach will have to wait until he finds the perfect Speedo.
Sincerely,
Andrew Schmack
2HW Intern and Lead Email Correspondent
Ted
Thank you very much for your email. Due to unprecedented email volume, we have been slow to respond to the email (plural) that we have received. We apologize for any inconvenience.
For our readers at home who may not know that you were referring to Craig when you requested “Fat Guy” pics, I offer the following explanation:
“Who’s the Fat Guy?” is a confusing question. When we were in high school, Matt’s Grandpa was introduced to Craig. On their second meeting, Grandpa asked Craig if he had been gaining weight. Days later Matt introduced his grandpa to another friend, Greg. Grandpa said, “It’s nice to meet you jack and the bean stick, but where’s that fat kid at?” Craig’s “Fat Kid” persona was born. Since that time, Matt has gained 80 pounds and is the real Fat Kid, but Craig has been unable to shake his nickname.
Craig has been working feverishly to get some photos of himself for the website. We thought full body shots would be best. Craig is most comfortable without his shirt, so we decided the beach would be the ideal backdrop. Matt suggested that the pics be taken with Craig wearing only his moustache and a smile. His wife demanded that he at least wear a Speedo. Since then Craig has been trying to locate the perfect set of trunks. We searched Ebay and found some nice used black and white striped Speedos, but someone had already bid $1.99.
Yesterday, Craig shaved his goatee to just a moustache and went Speedo shopping at a Thrift Store (I can’t make this stuff up, well, I could, but it wouldn’t be as pathetic). Having no luck at the Thrift Store, Craig decided to get some pictures of himself at work, where he was recently named Associate of the Month. To take pictures, most people would have brought along a photographer. Not Craig. He and his moustache set up his tripod and began snapping pictures of himself using his camera’s timer. Just for a second, picture one of Craig’s co-workers coming in on a Saturday to a mostly empty office only to find a badly moustached, slightly overweight Craig alone in his cube with a tri-pod set up taking pictures of himself.
To say Craig and Matt have problems would be a considerable understatement. That said, pics of Craig in the office should be available soon. Pics of Craig on the beach will have to wait until he finds the perfect Speedo.
Sincerely,
Andrew Schmack
2HW Intern and Lead Email Correspondent
Monday, October 10, 2005
Letter to Harriet Miers
Dear Harriet Miers,
We have a lot in common. You’ve never been a judge. We’ve never been a wonder. People have made fun of you and laughed at your qualifications. People have laughed near us too. Do you want to do a sitcom with us? We promise it won’t be very good. It’s tentatively titled “Nightcourt: Miami”. Your dream of pretending to be a Judge would finally be realized.
Thanks,
2HW
We have a lot in common. You’ve never been a judge. We’ve never been a wonder. People have made fun of you and laughed at your qualifications. People have laughed near us too. Do you want to do a sitcom with us? We promise it won’t be very good. It’s tentatively titled “Nightcourt: Miami”. Your dream of pretending to be a Judge would finally be realized.
Thanks,
2HW
Thursday, September 29, 2005
2HW: Best Website in the World?
Even though no one could possibly know this, 2HW is quite possibly the best website in the world. I like the updated letters to Hollywood and FAQs. I can’t wait to tell someone about the updates.
Signed,
Sean, not a pirate but wishes he were
Thank you for your kind words. It’s funny that you mention that we might have the best website in the world. We have an informal plan to become the best, but are kind of lazy about actually implementing it. Okay, we don’t actually have a plan, but if we did, it would be informal and we wouldn’t follow through with it. I’ll have to check the daily statistics, but I believe we are up to 3 or 4 fans, so the world will soon know all about the behemoth that is 2HW.
All the best to you in your quest to become a pirate. Try visualizing yourself as a pirate and it will be so. Son-of-a…I accidentally just visualized you as a butt pirate. I apologize for the inconvenience, but just in case you’re into that sort of thing, Craig is doing a swim suit photo shoot this weekend. Pictures coming soon.
Sincerely,
Andrew Schmack
2HW Intern and Lead Email Correspondent
Signed,
Sean, not a pirate but wishes he were
Thank you for your kind words. It’s funny that you mention that we might have the best website in the world. We have an informal plan to become the best, but are kind of lazy about actually implementing it. Okay, we don’t actually have a plan, but if we did, it would be informal and we wouldn’t follow through with it. I’ll have to check the daily statistics, but I believe we are up to 3 or 4 fans, so the world will soon know all about the behemoth that is 2HW.
All the best to you in your quest to become a pirate. Try visualizing yourself as a pirate and it will be so. Son-of-a…I accidentally just visualized you as a butt pirate. I apologize for the inconvenience, but just in case you’re into that sort of thing, Craig is doing a swim suit photo shoot this weekend. Pictures coming soon.
Sincerely,
Andrew Schmack
2HW Intern and Lead Email Correspondent
Monday, September 26, 2005
Letter to Rita Wilson
Dear Rita Wilson,
We heard that you gave Nia Vardalos her shot at the big time when you were captivated by her one woman show, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and turned it into the feel good hit movie of 2002. We would like the chance to captivate you with our two man show, “Two Hit Wonder: the Musical”, which is currently in pre-production status. If you don’t love it, please remember that we’re big and fat and are willing to get married if the price is right.
Thanks,
2HW
We heard that you gave Nia Vardalos her shot at the big time when you were captivated by her one woman show, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and turned it into the feel good hit movie of 2002. We would like the chance to captivate you with our two man show, “Two Hit Wonder: the Musical”, which is currently in pre-production status. If you don’t love it, please remember that we’re big and fat and are willing to get married if the price is right.
Thanks,
2HW
Monday, September 19, 2005
How can I become a fan?
If one would be so inclined as to become a fan, how would one go about this process?Thanks,WWEF (Wonder Woman Ex-Fan)
Thank you for your email. We try very hard to answer all email within 10 minutes of receipt. Unfortunately, due to unprecedented volume, we were unable to answer your email in a timely manner. We apologize for the inconvenience.
To be a fan you must first send us money. A lot of money. But, not just yet. In the near future, we hope to implement a program similar to Scientology, whereby the more cash you give us, the more we tell you that you are a nearly perfect fan. I’m not sure if Scientologists believe in immortality, but Craig and Matt will be immortal soon. The fan that sends them the most money will be deemed the Perfect Fan and will win the right to have “relations” with an immortal; the two hit wonder of their choice (provided that you are the winner of our Perfect Fan contest and that you pick Craig).
In the meantime, I have sent you a red shirt with the white letters “Dianetics” crossed out and replaced with “TwoHitWonderinetics”.
Thank you,
Andrew Schmack
2HW Intern and Lead Email Correspondent
Thank you for your email. We try very hard to answer all email within 10 minutes of receipt. Unfortunately, due to unprecedented volume, we were unable to answer your email in a timely manner. We apologize for the inconvenience.
To be a fan you must first send us money. A lot of money. But, not just yet. In the near future, we hope to implement a program similar to Scientology, whereby the more cash you give us, the more we tell you that you are a nearly perfect fan. I’m not sure if Scientologists believe in immortality, but Craig and Matt will be immortal soon. The fan that sends them the most money will be deemed the Perfect Fan and will win the right to have “relations” with an immortal; the two hit wonder of their choice (provided that you are the winner of our Perfect Fan contest and that you pick Craig).
In the meantime, I have sent you a red shirt with the white letters “Dianetics” crossed out and replaced with “TwoHitWonderinetics”.
Thank you,
Andrew Schmack
2HW Intern and Lead Email Correspondent
Letter to Tom Hanks
Dear Tom Hanks,
We’re big Peter Scolari fans. We’d like to remake the Bosom Buddies and were hoping you could put a good word in for us with Peter. Craig and I are already buddies and you should see us in wet t-shirts…man breasts ahoy! Also, Craig has vast experience dressing up like a woman with his ongoing participation in CAF (Crossdressers And Friends) conventions around the greater Los Angeles area.
Thanks (hey, that’s what the back of your softball jersey would say “THanks”),
Matt from 2HW
We’re big Peter Scolari fans. We’d like to remake the Bosom Buddies and were hoping you could put a good word in for us with Peter. Craig and I are already buddies and you should see us in wet t-shirts…man breasts ahoy! Also, Craig has vast experience dressing up like a woman with his ongoing participation in CAF (Crossdressers And Friends) conventions around the greater Los Angeles area.
Thanks (hey, that’s what the back of your softball jersey would say “THanks”),
Matt from 2HW
Monday, September 12, 2005
Two Hit Wonder is born
Note: This message is from the future…I wrote it on 3/31/06, but wish we had thought of starting this blog when the Two Hit Wonder dot com was launched, so I’ve backdated this entry to the day 2HW was born. I’ll try to add letters and other content with blog dates close to the actual date the content was written.
Who would have thought the day would come when Two Hit Wonder would have too much content? Yet, six months in, we have a body of work that is nearly as large as my buddha belly (one day we hope to be as funny as buddha). It’s become kind of hard to navigate a few of the pages on the site, especially the Letters to Hollywood section. I’ll be moving letters to this blog to make them a little easier to access. The blog format will also provide our readers the opportunity to post and see their own hilarious comments on the www.
In addition, an occasional random thought will be posted…the kind that used to be only viewable in my Assorted Funny Stuff file. For example, 3 weeks ago I had a breakthrough in snacking theory, but had nowhere to document it on 2HW dot com. That’s what Blogs are for, so here goes….“If I eat lunch early, I can eat my afternoon snack earlier.” I’m proud to say I’ve had no trouble maintaining my all-time high weight since this realization.
Who would have thought the day would come when Two Hit Wonder would have too much content? Yet, six months in, we have a body of work that is nearly as large as my buddha belly (one day we hope to be as funny as buddha). It’s become kind of hard to navigate a few of the pages on the site, especially the Letters to Hollywood section. I’ll be moving letters to this blog to make them a little easier to access. The blog format will also provide our readers the opportunity to post and see their own hilarious comments on the www.
In addition, an occasional random thought will be posted…the kind that used to be only viewable in my Assorted Funny Stuff file. For example, 3 weeks ago I had a breakthrough in snacking theory, but had nowhere to document it on 2HW dot com. That’s what Blogs are for, so here goes….“If I eat lunch early, I can eat my afternoon snack earlier.” I’m proud to say I’ve had no trouble maintaining my all-time high weight since this realization.
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