Letter to Mel Gibson

Dear Mel Gibson,

Cheer up. You made a mistake. Mistakes happen. It’s not like Hollywood is run by Jews. I’m sure you’ll find work. Did Richard Gere’s career end after his affair with that gerbil? No, he’s continued to make terrible movies. You should be all set as long as Danny Glover isn’t Jewish.
Here’s some free advice…

First of all, during a night of binge drinking, say “no” to tourists who ask if they can take your picture. Say “yes” when they offer to drive you home.

You compounded the problem by using the politically incorrect term “Sugar Tits” when referring to one of the female arresting officers. Next time, you’re better off using the more appropriate “Sweet Tits” or “Sugar Titted American”.

Finally, you uttered the words that forever endeared you to the Jewish community, “Effing Jews…the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”. “All” is too strong of a word. In the future try to avoid sweeping generalizations and instead say “almost all” or “most”.

On the bright side, a lot of good has come from your comments. You will never have to work with Rob Schneider…and Patrick Swayze called you a “wonderful human being”.

But, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done to repair your image. We’re here for you Mel. We understand your pain. 2HW is in a similar crisis. In the pilot episode of the Two Hit Wonder show, Craig uses a term that was deemed “inappropriate” by his wife and all other females. Craig, in trying to promote the Two Hit Wonder thong says, “They want our faces on their vaginas.” Alienating half of our potential audience was not something that we wanted to do.

We need to make amends. You need to make amends. Let’s get together and have a pancake breakfast to raise money for underprivileged Jews and Vaginas. We’ll call it the “First Annual Mel Gibson/2HW Pigs in a Blanket Breakfast”. Craig became an ordained minister online and for an extra $9.99 he can upgrade to Rabbi as well. Craig may not be a jew yet, but he’s Jew-ish. It would be a great photo opp for both of us. You’d be pictured with a fake Jew, and we’d be pictured with Hollywood’s biggest p*ssy.

Thanks,
Matt

Craig's Not Gay?

The last time we went to Vegas it was for the “Craig’s not gay?” bachelor party. That’s when I first learned just how funny punctuation could be. The “Craig’s not gay” bachelor party would have been okay. “Craig’s not gay!” would have been trying too hard. But, “Craig’s not gay?” was perfect.

We decided to stay at the worst hotel on the strip, the Westward Ho (which has since been torn down). I can’t remember if we were trying to save money or we thought it would be funny. But, when booking our trips there was an option for “front of house” or to save $6 you could stay in the Westward Ho’s rear. With the opportunity to save money and have an endless supply of tasteless jokes, we obviously chose to stay in the Ho’s rear. The back of our bachelor party t-shirts said, “What happens in the Westward Ho’s rear, stays in the Westward Ho’s rear”.

The pictures on the banner at the top of the site are from the lounge at the Westward Ho (where our package included unlimited free drinks). Prior to the trip, I took my moustache to a retro clothing store and it seemed to match up best with that polyester suit and hat. Craig chose more of a gay pirate look. It looked like something we might have forced him to wear, but I assure you he purchased his costume on his own. From Vegas he called his wife to complain, “All the guys say my outfit (pirate shirt, flowered stirrup style pants and sandals with black socks) looks gay. Why didn’t you tell me?” Craig’s wife’s response, “Babe, I thought you were going for gay”.

After eating a buffet and playing some poker on the strip, we returned to the beloved Westward Ho lounge for free cocktails. We were the only people in the lounge at about 3am, when I decided to use the restroom.

The only other occupant of the men’s room was a shorter, fatter version of me with an equally horrific moustache. Unlike me, he had a name tag and some cleaning products in his hand. Typically, I’m not one for small talk while standing at a urinal. If I am forced into a conversation, I typically prefer the person I’m small talking with to not be staring me down while I’m finishing my business. But, something about this guy captivated me.

Maybe it was his opening line, “Do you like Girlzzzz?”

I mumbled something that he must have assumed was affirmative, because he launched right into his sales pitch…“I know girlzzz who will stay wit chew in your room all night”.

I wonder how often he closes a sale.

Later, as I recounted the story to Craig (from Two Hit Wonder), I jokingly asked him what about my persona could have possibly led the Westward Ho’s love broker to believe that I actually liked girls. Craig’s response, “What about his persona made you believe they would actually be girls?”

Last Wonder Standing Contest

There will never be a show called “Last Accountant Standing”…“Tune in Tuesday night as America’s brightest aspiring CPAs match wits in a series of complex accounting problems that you can never hope to understand. Our celebrity panel includes Arthur Andersen, Ernst and Touche”.

I shouldn’t say “never”. C-Span may someday look to diversify their programming and/or add a 4th network, C-Span 4: AccounTeeVee.

The same naysayers that said there weren’t enough viewers to warrant a second C-Span, let alone a third are already saying nay to the latest offering from 2HW, “Last Wonder Standing”. Just because the Two Hit Wonder show has yet to get off the ground and may be missing key ingredients like financing, content, talent, key grips, cameramen, a best boy and a camera, does not mean that “Last Wonder Standing” will also remain stuck in pre-production status.

But, it is true that we are pacing ourselves. Having two hit shows burned Drew Caray out to the point that he hasn’t been seen or heard from since “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” went off the air. We fear burnout almost as much as we fear failure and clowns. We will do whatever it takes to make sure that our shows do not put any undue pressure on us.

There’s an outside chance that on July 12th 2HW will be participating in a pay-per-view extravaganza called “Last Wonder Standing”. It will begin at the Las Vegas airport. One cocktail will be consumed at the airport and one at each casino we pass on our way to check-in at the fabulous Gold Coast Hotel-Casino and Bowling Alley. First one to pass out or check-in to the hotel is the runner-up on the Last Wonder Standing. The Last Wonder Standing will be put through a field sobriety test to ensure that they are legally intoxicated enough to accept the award and deliver a drunken acceptance speech.

As is the case with most 2HW contests, there really are no winners. We’ll film until we run out of tape or motivation. Free podcasts may be available at a later date, but we strongly urge you to pay $49.95 for the live streaming video feed. Click on Craig’s moustache above for complete pay-per-view details.

Note: We anticipate some potential legal ramifications stemming from the fact that our production company, Tri-County pants, is not a legal entity in the U.S. and filming in almost every casino in the known world is illegal. But, don’t let that stop you from buying today. We promise to not name names unless it will prevent us from serving any jail time.

Letters to Las Vegas

Dear Travel Lodge,

Good idea opening a hotel in Vegas that doesn’t have a casino. Craig and I would be happy to do a four day conference on running a craps game in exchange for a room at the Bellagio. To get the craps running all Matt needs is a milkshake or some spicy barbeque.

Thanks,
2HW

Dear Free Drinks,

We’ve been missing you. Hope all is well. Great news…we’ll be in town in July and have $1400 saved up to lose at blackjack so that we can spend some quality time together.

Thanks,
2HW

Dear hotel where Siegfried and Roy live,

You haven’t seen gay until you’ve seen Matt and Craig in pantsuits performing acts with white tigers. We’ll work for two free hamburgers an hour.

Thanks,
2HW

Dear Cher,

2HW will show you the sunny side of their bono in exchange for one hairy back rub.

Thanks,
Craig from 2HW

Dear Caesar’s Palace,

My friend Craig loves men in loin cloths. Please give him the business.

Thanks,
Matt from 2HW

Dear Bellagio,

Congratulations on receiving our first Choose Your Own Adventure letter.

A) 2HW will prance about in your fountains wearing revealing swimwear in exchange for 4 nights lodging and meals.
B) 2HW Wonder will agree not to prance about in your fountains wearing revealing swimwear in exchange for 4 nights lodging and meals.

Thanks,
2HW

Dear Mayor of Las Vegas,

Greetings from America’s fourth funniest overweight lowbrow buddy comedy duo, Two Hit Wonder. We will be making a rare public appearance next month in Las Vegas. We anticipate it turning into a comedic version of what the gays call a “coming out party”. Legions of our fans are likely to come out of the closet (as fans) and wreak havoc on the city that made creepy moustaches cool.

We’d appreciate you playing along by naming July 12-16th, “Two Hit Wonder Awareness Week”. We’re not sure what “ticker tape” means, but that’s the kind of parade we’d like. A key to the city and an honorary doctorate of hilarity from UNLV would also be nice.
While we’re in town, we plan to tape a season’s worth of the Two Hit Wonder show. We’re hoping to get Wayne Newton as our first guest, but if we can’t pull him away from high stakes Baccarat, we’d be honored to have you fill in (as guest host, while we play Baccarat with Wayner).

Thanks,
2HW