Dear Annie Proulx,
Ten years ago you attended a Village People concert. Soon afterwards, you wrote an “original” short story about two gay cowboys. Two talented writers transformed your pamphlet into a screenplay. The director of “the Incredible Hulk” agreed to put his unique perspective on the film. And finally, two Hollywood hunks agreed to kiss each other on the lips. By the time “Brokeback Mountain” actually hit theaters you were only distantly tied to the project…call it the Six Degrees of Ledger’s Bacon.
And yet, you fired off a nasty memo blasting the Academy for giving the best picture award to “Trash” instead of “your” Backdoor Mounthim. You compared the Academy Awards to a small-town talent show. You claimed that the voters were “out of touch”. You encouraged your reader to skip next year’s Academy Awards. We applaud you. You are so brave. You get it. When you don’t win, the easy thing to do is to be gracious in defeat. It takes 1960s gay cowboyesque courage to give an anti-acceptance speech with the tone of a 7th grader who didn’t make the cheerleading squad.
We wrote a short story too. It’s about two gay, racist poets moonlighting as investigative journalists who uncover Andrew McCarthy’s plot to kill the 1980 Russian Olympic Hockey team. We plan to get wildly talented famous people to write, direct and star in this lighthearted buddy comedy, which is sure to be next year’s awards circuit darling. We’d be honored if you’d be our red carpet escort. You sound like a ton of fun and this could be your big chance to be attached to a winner.
Insincerely,
Matt
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Letter to "Brittany Spears Giving Birth" Sculptor Daniel Edwards
Dear Daniel Edwards,
You are a freaking genius. Anybody could have done a sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth in the typical manner. It took your gifted artistic mind to put her naked, on all fours, on a bearskin rug. Not since Spinal Tap’s “Smell the Glove” album cover has there been a piece of art so refreshingly vulnerable.
It’s hard to piss off both the Pro Life and Pro Choice movements, but putting “Pro Life” in the title of your sculpture was ingenious. Ms. Spears is not exactly the dream spokesmodel for the Pro Lifers, and Pro Choicers no doubt would have preferred that any Kevin Federline offspring be aborted.
I’m writing to ask you to do a statue of Craig and me giving birth to Two Hit Wonder dot com. Naked is a great look for us, and we were in fact nude when we came up with the 2HW concept. Much of our humor is said to come out of our asses, so feel free to work that in there somewhere. We look forward to working with you.
Thanks,
Matt on behalf of 2HW
You are a freaking genius. Anybody could have done a sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth in the typical manner. It took your gifted artistic mind to put her naked, on all fours, on a bearskin rug. Not since Spinal Tap’s “Smell the Glove” album cover has there been a piece of art so refreshingly vulnerable.
It’s hard to piss off both the Pro Life and Pro Choice movements, but putting “Pro Life” in the title of your sculpture was ingenious. Ms. Spears is not exactly the dream spokesmodel for the Pro Lifers, and Pro Choicers no doubt would have preferred that any Kevin Federline offspring be aborted.
I’m writing to ask you to do a statue of Craig and me giving birth to Two Hit Wonder dot com. Naked is a great look for us, and we were in fact nude when we came up with the 2HW concept. Much of our humor is said to come out of our asses, so feel free to work that in there somewhere. We look forward to working with you.
Thanks,
Matt on behalf of 2HW
Friday, March 24, 2006
Letter to Extreme Makeover Home Edition
Dear Extreme Makeover Home Edition,
I love to go behind the scenes of hit TV shows to see what makes them tick. That’s why I was so touched that you submitted a private, interoffice memo to the Smoking Gun website detailing the type of horrifying afflictions it will take to become a contestant on your show for the 2006-2007 season. To sum up the article, they are looking for…
· Extraordinary mom/dad recently diagnosed with ALS
· Family who has child with PROGERIA (aka “little old man disease”)
· Chronic Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA) There are 17 known cases in the US-let me know if one is in your town! This is where kids cannot feel any physical pain.
· Muscular Dystrophy Child – Amazing kid who is changing people’s view about MD
· MADD / Drunk Drivng – Family turns tragedy into triumph after losing a child to drunk driving
· Family who has multiple children with Down Syndrome
· Amazing/loved Mom or Dad diagnosed with melanoma/skin cancer.
· Home Invasion – family robbed, house messed up (vandalized) – kids fear safety in their own home now.
· Victims of hate crime in own home. Family’s house victim of arson or severely vandalized.
The competitors on American Idol have gotten better each year, but the EMHE contestants had really leveled out. I mean, come on, how many times were we going to see you help a disabled war hero or a family that lost their primary breadwinner? It’s good to see that you’ve progressed from helping people suffering from “bad asthma” or “one bedroom too few” to people with conditions that will draw a larger TV viewing audience.
Would an ordinary mom/dad recently diagnosed with ALS make your cut in 2006? Not a chance. The new and improved Extreme Home Makeover Idol requires parents to not only have ALS, but they also need to be “extraordinary”.
And thanks for the dignity with which you handled the horrible sounding disease, PROGERIA. I’m sure calling it “little old man disease” brought a big smile to Emmanuel Lewis’s face.
You’ve turned the difficult task of casting your contestants into a fun scavenger hunt for extremely rare maladies. There are only 17 kids with CIPA in the USA!!! Find one of them and they could win some great new appliances from Sears!!! Do you know a kid with Muscular Dystrophy? Can he juggle?
In a prior season, you helped a family whose house was torn up when a drunk driver drove through their living room. Thankfully, the mom was able to get the baby out of the way just in time. Next season, that won’t be good enough. According to your memo that scenario now requires a fatality in order to make it on air.
I have a friend with skin cancer. But, she’s neither amazing nor loved so no new home for her. Too bad she couldn’t have been diagnosed in 2003.
You are well on your way to helping America see ABC as the network that cares enough about their advertisers that they will do whatever it takes to beat “the Simpsons” in the ratings. While I applaud the direction you’re headed, it would be nice if you added a toll free line where viewers could vote off the least deserving potential home makeover candidates. Ordinarily, families “suffering” from a home invasion wouldn’t stand a chance against some of the other categories, but if America was deciding, perhaps a home-invaded family with a hot nanny or pool boy could have a chance.
Craig and I have a dream to entertain America, but because we both suffer from working crappy jobs in Corporate America, we don’t have the time or energy to realize our dream. We also have trouble walking up a single flight of stairs without getting winded. Please build us a house (with an elevator).
Thanks,
Matt
I love to go behind the scenes of hit TV shows to see what makes them tick. That’s why I was so touched that you submitted a private, interoffice memo to the Smoking Gun website detailing the type of horrifying afflictions it will take to become a contestant on your show for the 2006-2007 season. To sum up the article, they are looking for…
· Extraordinary mom/dad recently diagnosed with ALS
· Family who has child with PROGERIA (aka “little old man disease”)
· Chronic Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA) There are 17 known cases in the US-let me know if one is in your town! This is where kids cannot feel any physical pain.
· Muscular Dystrophy Child – Amazing kid who is changing people’s view about MD
· MADD / Drunk Drivng – Family turns tragedy into triumph after losing a child to drunk driving
· Family who has multiple children with Down Syndrome
· Amazing/loved Mom or Dad diagnosed with melanoma/skin cancer.
· Home Invasion – family robbed, house messed up (vandalized) – kids fear safety in their own home now.
· Victims of hate crime in own home. Family’s house victim of arson or severely vandalized.
The competitors on American Idol have gotten better each year, but the EMHE contestants had really leveled out. I mean, come on, how many times were we going to see you help a disabled war hero or a family that lost their primary breadwinner? It’s good to see that you’ve progressed from helping people suffering from “bad asthma” or “one bedroom too few” to people with conditions that will draw a larger TV viewing audience.
Would an ordinary mom/dad recently diagnosed with ALS make your cut in 2006? Not a chance. The new and improved Extreme Home Makeover Idol requires parents to not only have ALS, but they also need to be “extraordinary”.
And thanks for the dignity with which you handled the horrible sounding disease, PROGERIA. I’m sure calling it “little old man disease” brought a big smile to Emmanuel Lewis’s face.
You’ve turned the difficult task of casting your contestants into a fun scavenger hunt for extremely rare maladies. There are only 17 kids with CIPA in the USA!!! Find one of them and they could win some great new appliances from Sears!!! Do you know a kid with Muscular Dystrophy? Can he juggle?
In a prior season, you helped a family whose house was torn up when a drunk driver drove through their living room. Thankfully, the mom was able to get the baby out of the way just in time. Next season, that won’t be good enough. According to your memo that scenario now requires a fatality in order to make it on air.
I have a friend with skin cancer. But, she’s neither amazing nor loved so no new home for her. Too bad she couldn’t have been diagnosed in 2003.
You are well on your way to helping America see ABC as the network that cares enough about their advertisers that they will do whatever it takes to beat “the Simpsons” in the ratings. While I applaud the direction you’re headed, it would be nice if you added a toll free line where viewers could vote off the least deserving potential home makeover candidates. Ordinarily, families “suffering” from a home invasion wouldn’t stand a chance against some of the other categories, but if America was deciding, perhaps a home-invaded family with a hot nanny or pool boy could have a chance.
Craig and I have a dream to entertain America, but because we both suffer from working crappy jobs in Corporate America, we don’t have the time or energy to realize our dream. We also have trouble walking up a single flight of stairs without getting winded. Please build us a house (with an elevator).
Thanks,
Matt
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
Steroids
Does 2HW have any dealings with steroids?
Cullen
Thank you for asking. Craig and Matt view themselves as role models and would like to say emphatically that they are steroids users. They manufacture their own from a recipe they bought from Craig’s Uncle Bill. Some may point to Craig and Matt’s prominent guts and assume that the steroids aren’t working. That’s not true. The roids have made Craig and Matt work even harder at not exercising and overeating.
2HW has plans to open an online store where steroids will be sold. They won’t necessarily make you stronger or faster, but they might make you grow man breasts and/or smell like orange sherbet.
Thanks,
Andrew Schmack
Former Intern and Acting Lead Email Correspondent
Cullen
Thank you for asking. Craig and Matt view themselves as role models and would like to say emphatically that they are steroids users. They manufacture their own from a recipe they bought from Craig’s Uncle Bill. Some may point to Craig and Matt’s prominent guts and assume that the steroids aren’t working. That’s not true. The roids have made Craig and Matt work even harder at not exercising and overeating.
2HW has plans to open an online store where steroids will be sold. They won’t necessarily make you stronger or faster, but they might make you grow man breasts and/or smell like orange sherbet.
Thanks,
Andrew Schmack
Former Intern and Acting Lead Email Correspondent
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