2HW Reunion?

I will be visiting Craig in California this week where we’ll try to overcome our creative differences and get the band back together. Assuming all goes well, Two Hit Wonder will start its reunion tour by making a rare public appearance in LA this weekend. We would like to announce our first ever Book Signing at the Barnes and Noble in Burbank this Saturday December 2nd from 1-3. Since neither of us has written a book, feel free to bring one of your favorites or the Two Hit Wonder thong.

Tom Green

I’m back in the game after taking some time off to be thankful for Jack Daniels and pie.

Filming the Matt Hit Wonder Show from my mother-in-law’s living room seemed like such a novel concept, but it turns out Tom Green hosts a live nightly Internet talk show from his living room. His web of show business contacts and LA location seem to make for a better show than my little broadcast featuring my limited network in the greater Prairie Village, Kansas region. I decided to write Tom this letter requesting that Two Hit Wonder appear as his guests next week.

Hey Tom Green,

I too am an Internet personality, but whereas you are a world-renowned celebrity, I am a fat unemployed guy. My “partner” Craig and I make up America’s fourth funniest lowbrow buddy comedy duo, Two Hit Wonder.

We were thinking that instead of continuing to book celebrities on your show, you should give a shot to two balding, badly mustached, dumb guys. Sitting next to us is guaranteed to make you appear better looking. In addition, we’re good at drinking and answering phone calls, which appear to be the most important character traits in your guests.

My claim to fame is that I recently got fired from my job pretending to be an Accountant when I filmed a video in my office men’s room (and women’s room) complaining about how close together the urinals were…You’re an Eight. Craig is best known for becoming an ordained minister online and screwing up his cousin John’s wedding.

Craig lives in Altadena and I’ll be in town visiting him this week. So, if Andrew Dice Clay falls ill or Andy Dick’s pre-show urine test reveals dangerous levels of estrogen, we’d be happy to fill in as your guests. Our available dates are November 28 through December 4th.

Thanks,
Matt from Two Hit Wonder
History of Two Hit Wonder

Update: Tom actually posted this email on his website with this response, “sounds awesome! we will be in touch!”.

Mission Accomplished

While driving today through a residential neighborhood near my house I saw a handwritten sign that said, “Oil $80 a barrel: Mission Accomplished”. I laughed at the thought of this Bush basher taking the time to put sharpie to posterboard for the benefit of a very small audience. Then it hit me…he’s getting a lot more traffic than I am…and he’s funnier.

The Return of the 2HW Advice Column

Here’s an email I received from a man named Paul:

I am a big fan of 2HW. I read it daily. I noticed that you had an advice column and I was looking for some help with a personal problem. I work in corporate America and sit behind a computer all day. As a dedicated 2HW fan I have faithfully been dedicating about 85% of my time at work to surfing the internet and doodling on small pieces of paper. However, I’ve run out of things to look at on the Internet and I’m out of paper. What should I do? Should I work?

Big Fan,

I am impressed with your dedication to 2HW. You will certainly be in the running for fan of the year at the first annual 2HW awards show. I had nearly forgotten about my gift for telling others how to run (pronounced “ruin”) their life. And what better time for me to revive the column than when I literally have nothing better to do? Plus, most widely respected advisors are unemployed fat guys.

I can definitely sympathize with your difficult dilemma. You present a complex story problem, which is further complicated by your inclusion of a statistic. I’m going to assume that you spend 15% of your day working. If that’s correct, you work a little over an hour a day, which is equivalent to a short lunch break. That puts you right on the bubble of my maximum daily allowance of work. (If I had paid attention at my last job, I would have been able to put together a cool graph detailing acceptable work to non-work ratios.)

My advice: Quit your job. It’s not worth it. There are plenty of other jobs out there where you wouldn’t be expected to work so much. Have you thought of working for the government? Learn from the mistake I made…

One day, while sitting in my cube finding songs to download illegally off the music drive at work, I stumbled upon a little slice of heaven known as Tenacious D’s “Cosmic Shame”. It was as though Jack Black was speaking into my very soul when he said, “The message of the D is clear…Set the artist free. I’m saying quit your effing day job. And a lot of you are saying “Eff you Jack. I can’t quit my day job. I got kids to feed.” Eff the kids. I’m not saying eff them, but eff them. What do you think you’re doing them a favor? Effing working your day job putting them through school. How bout the effing guilt trip you subliminally give them because you didn’t follow your effing dreams? And now they’re effed up in different ways. Quit your day job. Focus on your craft.”

For the well being of my kids, I should have listened. Instead, somebody quit my job for me. Don’t let that happen to you. Listen to me as the voice of reason. Quit your day job. Focus on your craft. You love to doodle. You love the internet. Get yourself a doodle blog and start doodling the Internet.

If you don’t listen and keep your “real” job that’s fine…it’s your funeral. I do have a couple helpful tips for those who choose to work. First, I recommend that you acquire irritable bowel syndrome and intolerance for lactose. There is no feeling more rewarding than the one you get when you realize that you are getting paid to defecate. Second, memorize this quote and use it liberally, “I came in late and took a long lunch, so I’m going to go ahead and take off early.” Finally, you will get fired eventually and when you do, make sure it’s for something funny.

Matt

Urinals on Ebay

Four used urinals shaped as women’s mouths sold on Ebay for over $7,000. That’s great. Politicians in Austria complained about sexist urinals and they were taken down and sold as novelties. But, when a fake accountant in Kansas complained about sexist urinals he was fired.

Letter to Denise Richards

Dear Denise Richards,

You are a whole lot of woman. I’m a whole lot of man. You’ve acted in dozens of movies and TV shows and have millions of dollars to show for it. I starred in one video and not only did the project lose money, it also cost me my job. Our acting talent is pretty similar, so what makes our results so different? I’ve studied your work closely and I think I’ve figured it out. It’s bravery.

Last week while you were filming “Blonde and Blonder” (co-starring the equally talented Pamela Anderson), two members of the press stormed the set without permission. Some megastars would have let security handle such an issue, but you sprung into action like your “The World is Not Enough” co-star, Remington Steele. You grabbed not one, but two paparazzi laptops and flung them off the hotel balcony. Were it not for your quick thinking, not one, but two elderly women wouldn’t have been hit by those laptops while sitting in the hotel lobby.

Who cares about the health of two ladies who are probably about to die anyway? You knew it was more important to neutralize the paparazzi so that you and Pamela could continue your pursuit of your first Academy Awards. You’re smarter than you look. You might find this hard to believe, but I assure you I’m dumber than I look. How dumb am I? Craig gave me a floral Speedo as a parting gift when he quit the band. I planned to do a photo shoot with me wearing the Speedo to promote the website. But, you’ve helped me realize I’d be making a mistake if I did the shots alone. I’ve decided to purchase a matching Speedo for you and would love it if you would join me on location for the shoot. There’s bound to be paparazzi swarming around my Speedo and me and I’d like you to serve as my security detail.

Thanks,
Matt

Letter to Axl Rose

Dear Axl Rose,

Your new and confused version of Guns n Roses recently cancelled a show in Maine when the local authorities informed you that you would not be allowed to drink on stage. What a freaking crock. I’m so tired of The Man telling victims like you and me what to do.

Your band spokesperson said that the fire marshals made it “impossible for the band to perform their show to the usual high standards that their fans deserve.” Everyone with a brain knows that drinking is crucial to high work standards. Back when I used to work, I never understood how I was supposed to solve complex accounting riddles without Jack Daniels’ help.

You continued to promote drinking in the workplace with this statement on your website, “I agree with, and ultimately take responsibility for, the end decision not to jeopardize the safety of the fans, the crews, the bands and myself as a result of the methods of these particularly draconian authorities” (the fire marshals). Canceling the show was such a brave step. You care enough for your fans to not put them at risk by making them listen to you do a show sober.
You’ve helped me realize that I’ve been screwing my fans by writing many of my blog entries without the assistance of alcohol. That stops today. I’m going to buy a Breathalyzer machine to ensure that I’m well over the legal limit before I write any future posts.

Thanks,
Matt

P.S. I think my website would sell a lot more copies if GNR did the soundtrack. Let’s set up some studio time for you to lay down some random, unintelligible tracks. I can’t pay in actual money, but if you bring your “talent”, I’ll make sure you and your boys don’t go thirsty.

No Sale

My Craigslist ad ended without the sale of my business casual wardrobe, but I did get this response from a stranger…

Would you separate? I’m interested in the Van Halen shirt for my husband’s Christmas present.Also, is it pre or post David Lee Roth???????
Thanks

Granted, the ad wasn’t my best work, but come on. If I had worked for a company that let me wear a “Van Halen Kicks Ass” jersey on Casual Friday, I’d still have a job.

Letter to Britney Spears

Dear Britney Spears,

Partners are so overrated. You recently filed for divorce from K-Fed. Craig recently broke up with me. I understand your pain/really need someone to support my comedy habit. But, before you make me your next deadbeat husband, please allow me to point out how much we have in common.

I grew up in Kentwood, Michigan. You grew up in Kentwood, Louisiana, where you met Jason Alexander, who would later become your first husband. Drunkenly stumbling down the aisle together in Vegas wasn’t exactly a fairy tale Prince Charles and Lady Diana-esque affair, but who could have predicted that your blessed union would only last 55 hours? The press made fun of you, but I understand how you felt. I too had a relationship that lasted two days…in fifth grade. There was this girl in my class named Mary Whynott. All the boys would ask her, “Mary, will you marry me?” and when she said “no”, we’d say “Why not?” It was hilarious, until one day I asked her if she’d marry me and she said “yes”. Our brief engagement ended when she ran out of Valentine’s candy.

But, our similarities don’t stop there. You just had another baby; I look like I’m pregnant. You dress provocatively and have open mouth kissed Madonna. People open their mouths all the time when I show too much skin.

If you’re still not convinced that we’re perfect for each other, let me be clear that I’d be willing to give as well as take. Your parenting skills have been scrutinized. I have two kids of my own. I’d be glad to teach you how to buckle a car seat and safely carry your kids without dropping them on their heads.

I won’t even ask you to commit to a relationship without meeting me first. What do you say? Let’s go to Vegas, tie one on and then tie the knot.

Thanks,
Matt

P.S. I really think this could work. So much so that I’m willing to not sign a prenuptial agreement.

Back to Work

My wife has been out of town since Friday, allowing me the chance to burn my first three vacation days at my new job volunteering to write bad comedy on a seldom-read blog. After a weekend alone with the kids, I discovered that I might have been better at playing the role of fat, balding Accountant than I am at playing fat, balding single mother.

An out of shape ex-Accountant used to sitting at a desk all day proved to be no match for the miniature humans that live at my house. The kids were like tiny Billy Tae Bos, continually pushing me to do more reps. When it was clear I would not be able to keep up with their demands, the looks on their faces indicated that my approval rating was downward bound. So, I tried to win them back with large doses of sugar.

Donuts for breakfast gave way to a lollipop brunch and a buffet style Halloween candy lunch. The only legitimate food group that the kids didn’t throw at me was dairy. As a result our dinners were (in order) cheese pizza, cheese pizza, macaroni and cheese and grilled cheese. Hold on…those also fall into the bread/grain food group. I guess I’m still in the running for father of the year.

One night, my four-year-old daughter melted down at bedtime saying her “bobbin” hurt. I asked her what she thought was wrong with her bottom. She said, “I think it misses mommy”. My fat ass missed mommy too.

Owww My Liver!!!

Craig does bad impressions. One of his worst is Beavis. Craig and I once watched an episode where Beavis gets in a car wreck and cries, “Oww! Oww! My liver!” When Craig tried to mimic that phrase, he made Beavis sound French.

The impression was so horribly memorable that he and I continue to use “oww my liver” after suffering just about any injury…a stubbed toe, a kick to the growing, or most often as a compliment to the other’s comedy, as in “I’m laughing so hard I just sprained my liver”.
I rarely use the phrase around the house, so it surprised me today when my 4-year old daughter bumped her hip into the chair I was sitting in and said, “Oww my liver”. I was so proud. Her impression sounded much more like Beavis than Craig’s. I think I’ve found my new buddy comedy partner.

Taking Care of Business Casual

I have way too many business casual shirts in my closet that I refuse to wear on principle. They’re nice shirts, but now that the Man stopped giving me the business, I need to stick with simply casual. However, the long sleeved casual shirts currently in my wardrobe are few in number and are more like half shirts. It’s not a good look for the fat, unemployed guy to stretch and reveal his bare midriff.

I guess I could have borrowed one of my wife’s navel rings or at least cleaned out my belly button lint more frequently. Instead, I chose to spend money I don’t have on shirts with more fabric. I decided that I needed something that said, “It looks like tubby is going for casual, but you can tell he’s on a tight budget.” So, I went to the Old Navy hoping that their willingness to have their clothes made in sweatshops would save me money.

I found 3 XXL shirts for a total of $30 and couldn’t have been happier. I can rotate those 3 shirts all winter by implementing Craig’s college underwear system…washing them in the shower rather than wasting additional water using the washing machine.

If my income doesn’t pick up soon, I’ll have to wear one of these mock sweatshirts to the first annual 2HW awards show. When Joan Rivers asks me who I’m wearing, I’ll say, “Phoc Dhat. She may only be 8 years old, but it sounds like she’ll be forced to make second rate sweaters just like this for years to come”.

The problem is, Phoc’s hands aren’t big enough to make size XXXL shirts. I’m literally one size away from shopping at the Big and Tall Men’s store and I can’t afford that. I guess in that sense, I’m lucky to have lost my job. I’m in no danger of eating myself out of shopping at Old Navy, because food costs money. Hey, that gives me an idea. I think I’ll write a book called the “Atkinson Diet”…step 1 get fired…