American Idol Recap 5/24/06

“Just remember…you’re the one thing…I can’t get enough of…so I’ll tell you something…this could be love…because I had the time of my life and I’ve never felt this way before…yes I swear…it’s the truth and I owe it all to you…ooo…ooo.” What if I told you that a song from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack truly summed up how I felt about watching tonight’s episode of American Idol? Before you call me a puss, I’d like to point out that David Hasselhoff himself broke down in tears at the conclusion of the show. I’m every bit as manly as Mitch Baywatch.
Tonight’s show had it all. 200 million viewers. A virtual who’s who from the music world. Comic bits that actually hit their mark and a refreshingly small dose of the three judges.

Idol has come a long way since its inception five years ago. Back then they would have been lucky to get Rick Astley to be a guest star. Tonight, I’m getting dizzy trying to remember all the guests. Just when you were wondering what they could do to put the exclamation point on an unbelievable show, the little purple man hit the stage.

The Artist was preceded by some of the fallen Idols performing with their idols. Chris did a song with his favorite band, “Live”. Paris lit it up with her idol, Al Jaroe. And of course Catherine got some stage time with her hero, Meatloaf. Huh? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about equal opportunities for fat ugly guys…in fact I know a couple of those types who are in desperate need of some affirmative action that promotes fatties on the buddy comedy circuit. But, Meatloaf and Catherine? Really? Beauty and the Loaf ended up being a good match because they are equally overdramatic.

Toni Braxton must have partied with Paula during the pre-game. She came out in a blaze of forgotten lyrics with liquor on her breath and a pint size dress that she must have swiped from Miss Abdul’s wardrobe. And her sassy moves either indicate that she’s doing a clinical research study for the female Viagra or she gets horny around the prematurely gray. It was the weirdest set of the night and it seemed to get cut short because of Braxton’s odd behavior.

Another huge star popped out to sing with Elliott…Mary J. Bliege. The performance was great, but it looked like Mary J. didn’t enjoy sharing the stage with the E train when she made a premature exit at the song’s conclusion.

Burt Bacharach had no problem giving the spotlight to the young Idols. He has had an unbelievable career composing music…winning both Academy and Grammy Awards. But, tonight, he was content to play piano for the kids…and psychic, Dion Warwick.

The awards were actually kind of funny. That was a great way to replay some of the forgotten moments that came early in the season. I can’t get enough of the girl who doesn’t know when to stop the eff bombs any more than she knows how to pick out a dress with enough fabric to cover her ample body. And just when you were thinking you’d heard the last of the Brokeback Mountain jokes, the Brokenote Cowboys found their way on to the Idol stage.

Another great moment came when a Clay Aiken impersonator actually shared the stage with his gay idol, Aiken himself. Clay wasn’t really into doing a duet with his untalented doppelganger, but showed off his voice and his new skater haircut.

That’s enough. I don’t even feel like editing this or making it into a workable article. But, I want to close it out by saying…it’s on. I’ve been inspired. Elliott’s quote from last week, “I always knew what I wanted to do, I just didnt know how to get there”, really struck a chord with me. I’ve always known I wanted to write, but still don’t know how to make money doing it. Then, tonight, watching Taylor fulfill his dream and close the season with “Do I make you proud?” made me desire to have that type of moment. I’ve only been an accountant for a couple of weeks, but I’m guessing there’s no such moment in the world of accounting. But, dammit, I’m going to keep writing till I make someone proud. Son-of-a bitch. I’m an Idol-loving sappy vagina of a man. Who cares? I am who I am. Brace yourself America…Two Hit Wonder is taking it up a notch.

Letter to Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

Do you remember where you were when you found out that your twin sister, Ann Landers, had died? I remember where I was…but only because it was two minutes ago when I Googled “Ann Landers dead”. I also found out that you stopped writing your column years ago due to declining health. America still has problems, but no one has stepped up to fill the void that you two quitters left when you decided to stop bossing people around in your weekly columns.

In 1956 you wrote a letter to the editor of the San Francisco Chronicle that said you could write a better advice column than the one currently appearing in that paper. 50 years later I’m writing you a letter to tell you that 2HW could advise circles around you (and your sister). Starting at the conclusion of this letter 2HW’s advice section is open for business.

Bring it on,
Matt on behalf of 2HW

Matt and Craig have decided that it’s time to give back to their loyal readers by imparting advice based on the knowledge they’ve gained from over 3 decades of screwing up their own lives. Please detail all of your life’s problems in an email to mail at twohitwonder dot com If you don’t request our advice, we will be forced to give unsolicited advice to the people we feel need it most.

Disclaimer: Craig and Matt are technically not licensed therapists, so there will be no client-patient confidentialy agreements. Your privacy is the least of our concerns. Bossing you around is what’s important to us.

Dear 2HW,

I have recently decided to use my lack of talent and good looks to my advantage and try to get paid by latching on to other people’s success. I have no skills whatsoever but I can write in complete sentences so I am proud to announce the formation of my website, Three Hit Wonder dot com. I realized that since there is already a one hit wonder and a two hit wonder then a Three Hit Wonder has to be even better. I also believe facial hair should be an important theme to my website. What advice can you give me in my current adventure?

Thanks,
Clint O
FounderThree Hit Wonder dot com

2HW ADVICE:On one hand, you are to be applauded for being the first person to ask for advice since we started our new advice column. On the other hand, what in the world is wrong with you that you would be asking for advice from us? That is just pathetic.

Here’s our advice…first contact Mansour (featured in Craig’s blog) about purchasing the rights to 3HW dot com. I just tried to look up three hit wonder dot com and mistyped it “threetitwonder”. Good Lord, that is not a mistake that you want your future fans to make. That site is just plain weird…definitely a case where your “three is better than two” theory is disproven.

Next, you mention that facial hair should be an important theme to your site. Be very careful here. There are tons of sole patch, reverse moustache, handlebar and sideburns websites. If you pursue one of those as your theme, you will get lost in the shuffle. A quality moustache-only website like 2HW is extremely hard to find and it’s very easy to screw up. Focus on the moustache. Be the moustache. But, first, grow a moustache. Finally, hairnets. Since we recently started wearing hairnets our site has experienced exponential growth.

Best of luck with 3HW.

First Hit Suggestion

Matt & Craig,

Given your background in the sport/art of Bowling, I can only hope that a cover of the song “Score Tonight” from the masterpiece of cinema ‘Grease 2′ is currently being considered for inclusion on your Hit List. I will offer my expertise as a current league bowler for any needed choreography and technical advice or to merely lend you my sparkly shoes; however my fee will need to be addressed. I understand you have had some legal issues already in your pursuit of stardom, so I’ve listed the necessary contact information below should you feel this is a project worthy of your immense talents.Thanks for taking time from your hectic schedule to consider this offer.

Chris aka Flyboy
“SCORE TONIGHT”Music and lyrics by Dominic Bugatti, Frank Musker and Louis St. Louis Horn arrangements by Andy Huson

Chris A. Flyboy,

It was only a matter of time before the tabloids found out that Craig and Matt are both recovering league bowlers. They feel it is best to come clean now and admit they used to have a problem before their checkered past gets blown out of proportion by the media.
League bowlers are shunned by society, but they are often regular people just like you and me. They like beer. They like Nachos. They like rented footwear.

If the Wonders first hit is a bowling love song from a sequel to Grease, that could typecast Craig and Matt in such a way that the public might not be able to see them in any other light…exactly like what happened with the ambiguously gay duo from Saturday Night Live. In other words, Craig and Matt are in the studio right now recording “Score Tonight”.

Thank you for your assistance,
Andrew Schmack
Former Intern

American Idol Recap 5/9/06

American Idol had originally scheduled Elvis himself to work with the young Idols this week, but there have been recent reports that his health is deteriorating. So, they got the next best thing, shady music executive Tommy Mottola. I was unaware that Tommy had a connection with Elvis, so I read his bio. Surprisingly, it did mention a connection…between Tommy and the mob. Other bio highlights…After failing as an actor and singer, he got his start as a talent manager by converting from Catholicism to Judaism so that he could marry the daughter of the head of ABC records. His ex-wife, Mariah Carey, alleged that he verbally abused her. Michael Jackson called him the devil. He was relieved of his duties as the head of Sony music for a multitude of transgressions, including stealing music from Mariah’s “Glitter” album and passing it to then girlfriend, J Lo. As Simon said tonight, “It’s a family show” and who better to coach the kids than good old Uncle Tommy.

Tommy might have been a passable coach if it hadn’t been Elvis week. And it should not have been. At this point in the competition, it is brutally unfair to continue the theme weeks. On what planet is Catherine ever going to sing Elvis songs? She never had a chance. If America liked her enough to put her in the top 4, don’t set her up to fail and then bash her inability to pull off a passable impression of the king. Let her do what she does best, don’t force her to to try to win votes by getting in a dance-off with Taylor. That said, you cannot forget your lyrics at this stage of the competition and expect to move on. Nor can you forget the middle of your dress. Her second outfit looked like me trying to fit in an extra large shirt…bare midriff ahoy! Despite her issues, the audience went crazy for her, especially after the first song. But, for whatever reason, the script called for Catherine to get eliminated this week. Simon calling her manic and shrieky was over the top…the writers should be ashamed of the ridiculous way they chose to send off this season’s best female vocalist.

They should also be ashamed that they completely ripped off the plot from “She’s All That” in their conspiracy to make Elliott the next American Idol. We can only hope that the AI writers will get the same treatment Tommy did for stealing Mariah’s songs. In “Shes All That” Freddie Prinze Jr takes a bet that he can turn an ugly duckling into the school’s prom queen. The AI writers have geeky Elliott a couple weeks away from being the next American Idol. During his sessions with Tommy, Elliott looked like Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf Too, but once he finished singing the judges did their best to convince America that he is every bit as talented as Michael J. Fox. Elliott has a great voice, but he’s boring. If he had any “It”, he’d be a 10. (quick aside to let the reader in on that inside joke…Craig (from Two Hit Wonder)’s grandma’s favorite joke is about a student who is asked to use the word urinate in a sentence. He tells his teacher, “You’re-an-eight, if you had any tits youd be a ten”.) Elliott does not have the “it factor” and the writers will not succeed in making him America’s prom queen. I predict that America will see through the bull and send Elliott home this week. Taylor won’t get the boot on Elvis week and Chris rocked as usual. Good night.

Craig's Association with Beverly Hills Cop

Craig,
Has anyone ever told you that you look like Detective John Taggart from Beverly Hills Cop?
Nat

Craig and his emotional baggage asked me to field this question since talking about Beverly Hills Cop brings up painful memories of Craig’s brief relationship with Judge Reinhold.
As far as I know, this is the first John Taggart comparison Craig has received and likely the most publicity John has received since 1987.

German-Italian-Native Americans like Craig are rare. But, if David Hasselhoff, Danny DeVito and Lou Diamond Phillips were able to procreate, the little one would look exactly like Craig. Or maybe if the Brawny man and Mr. Clean had a baby. I don’t know. This is a tough one.
I asked Craig who he most often gets compared to and he said, “the guy that shoots himself on the toilet in that Vietnam movie…I can’t think what it’s called…The Color Purple is coming to mind.” I assume he was talking about Oprah.

Andrew Schmack
Lead Email Such and Such

American Idol Recap 4/26/06

Sorry for the delay…I was out of town this week pretending to learn how to become an accountant and had to watch a tape of last week’s AI episode.

This season, while the young Idols have been receiving guidance from famous recording artists, it appears that the AI writers have been taking advice from author Franklin W. Dixon. American Idol is categorized as a reality show, but the last two weeks have been every bit as formulaic as one of Dixon’s Hardy Boys’ Novels. Last week’s show was a remake of the Hardy Boys’ classic, “Incident at Unwarranted Praise Island”. This week, the writers used the same Hardy Boys’ model (complete with some shocking twists) to try to keep the audience buzzing about their phony little game show.

Catharine has been the most consistent female performer. But, this week, she was horrible. And I’m not talking about her “Big Bird with cleavage” outfit. Her routine was horrible. Or so the script said. The judges unanimously ripped apart a great performance by a great performer. America probably would have talked more about this injustice, if it hadn’t been overshadowed by Paula forgetting her lines. It was clear that Paula had done some pre-game tailgating, when she slurred “know what your money is…your back pocket”.

Next was Elliott, who on personality alone should have been ousted weeks ago. The writers keep saving him by giving the judges nothing but good things to say about him. Tonight was no exception…his song was very good, but I’m guessing Paula was the only one watching who cried. She’s either a brilliant actress or gets emotional when she’s been drinking.

Kellie’s entire set was bizarre. It had a little bit of everything, as if the AI brass wanted her to be ousted and decided to send her off in style. Her little interview with R Seacrest had the feel of a weird Craigslist ad…“Country girl seeks pottery playmate”. Then came the unusual carnival act…“Step right up and see the blind dude guess your hair color”. David Foster truly looked freaked out when Andrea correctly guessed Kellie’s hair color. I admit that it was amazing. Who would have thought the dumb girl was a blonde? Kellie’s performance was weak for the second straight week and the judges’ harsh comments will ensure that this is her last week. I just couldn’t get past her arrangement. Her hair arrangement. It looked like a weird pompadour/Mohawk hybrid. Her head appeared to be the offspring of a James Dean, Mr. T and the Flock of Seagulls ménage a trois.

Paris and Taylor put on forgettable performances and received mostly negative feedback from the judges. Paula again put on a nice acting performance…looking like she was truly struggling to come up with a compliment before calling Taylor “handsome as heck”. Which, when translated from Paula’s drunk to sober dictionary reads “your singing sucked ass”. Clearly, the writers want Taylor and Paris out.

Chris closed the show in style…although the AI writers still seem obsessed with ensuring that he wins the black vote. In last week’s column, I mentioned that his awkward placement of his African-American guitar player on stage reminded me of George Costanza trying to prove he had a black friend. This week, Chris proved to be twice the man that Costanza is, flanking himself with two black guitar players. Stay tuned to see what the writers come up with next week. I’m hoping for a mock campaign ad with Mandesa pledging her support to Chris while slamming Paris’s military record.