Today I received an email that I am required to complete a Code of Conduct certification. It was sent by someone who calls himself the “Director of Competing with Integrity - Ethics and Compliance”.
That makes no sense.
I can understand a Director of Ethics, or a Director of Compliance. But how could someone in his position think that adding “Competing with Integrity” helped clarify what he does?
In addition to the awkward nature of his title, the dual meaning of “competing” makes it a horrible choice of words. I’ll assume he didn’t mean that he’s “opposed to” Integrity. But, any fool knows that to win any competition in corporate America, the last thing you want to do is compete with integrity. I think this calls for a little “reply to all”…
Dear DOCWIEAC,
I have just wasted the 15 minutes I had budgeted to complete your certification program speculating on the potential meaning of your ridiculous job title. I will not be completing the certification and instead will compete against Integrity every chance I get between now and when I get fired.
Thanks,
Matt from 2HW
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Volunteering for Free Popcorn
I am fat. Corporate America is fat. Therefore I am a Corporate American. Some people volunteer out of the goodness of their hearts. Some people volunteer because it makes them feel better about themselves. And some people volunteer because they are offered something in return. While technically that undermines the very concept of volunteerism, it says something about Corporate Americans. All you have to do to get us to do anything is offer us free snacks.
Below is an actual email I received today…
Are you looking for a way to represent (Company Name) in your community? Join your new (Company Name) Community Relations Team!
Take an opportunity TODAY to express your interest. Visit us in the cafeteria between 11:00 p.m. and 1:00 p.m. to learn more about CRT and receive a FREE BAG OF POPCORN. Use the following link to download and print a coupon for your free afternoon snack:
Coupon
Our break room microwaves have signs that say it’s against the fire code to microwave popcorn in our building. I’m sure the Community Relations Team planted those signs to ensure that popcorn loving fatties like me would think they’d died and gone to heaven when they read about this golden opportunity for free forbidden popcorn.
If you’re an Accounts Payable terrorist looking to throw off the balance sheet of a large corporation, today would be a great day to strike…absolutely no one will be at their desks from 11-1.
Below is an actual email I received today…
Are you looking for a way to represent (Company Name) in your community? Join your new (Company Name) Community Relations Team!
Take an opportunity TODAY to express your interest. Visit us in the cafeteria between 11:00 p.m. and 1:00 p.m. to learn more about CRT and receive a FREE BAG OF POPCORN. Use the following link to download and print a coupon for your free afternoon snack:
Coupon
Our break room microwaves have signs that say it’s against the fire code to microwave popcorn in our building. I’m sure the Community Relations Team planted those signs to ensure that popcorn loving fatties like me would think they’d died and gone to heaven when they read about this golden opportunity for free forbidden popcorn.
If you’re an Accounts Payable terrorist looking to throw off the balance sheet of a large corporation, today would be a great day to strike…absolutely no one will be at their desks from 11-1.
Letter to Bonnie Tyler
Dear Bonnie Tyler,
Are you still holding out for a hero? Of course you are. Did you really think you’d find a hero that was strong, fast, fresh from the fight, sure, soon and larger than life? It’s been 20 years. It’s time to settle. One out of six hero characteristics is better than nothing and Two Hit Wonder is, quite literally, larger than life.
The Dan Band remade your other hit, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. And, I have to admit, it works a lot better with the added eff bombs. We’d like Dan’s Band to record a more realistic version of “Holding out for a Hero”. Your Fabio figure on a fiery steed would be replaced by Craig and me riding a burro wearing nothing but our moustaches and our matching floral speedos. If you’re cool with that, please let us know by not responding to this letter.
Thanks,
2HW
Are you still holding out for a hero? Of course you are. Did you really think you’d find a hero that was strong, fast, fresh from the fight, sure, soon and larger than life? It’s been 20 years. It’s time to settle. One out of six hero characteristics is better than nothing and Two Hit Wonder is, quite literally, larger than life.
The Dan Band remade your other hit, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. And, I have to admit, it works a lot better with the added eff bombs. We’d like Dan’s Band to record a more realistic version of “Holding out for a Hero”. Your Fabio figure on a fiery steed would be replaced by Craig and me riding a burro wearing nothing but our moustaches and our matching floral speedos. If you’re cool with that, please let us know by not responding to this letter.
Thanks,
2HW
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Suggestion Box/Fun Committee
A few weeks ago we got an email from our department admin saying she was going to start a suggestion box. I forwarded the ridiculous email to Craig, who replied, “You’re not a man if you don’t go take a dump in that suggestion box right now”. I really wish I had listened to him, because today we got an email detailing the results.
It was a pointless email that detailed the 6 suggestions that were submitted. It was unclear whether or not anything would be done with the suggestions. But, it was sent as though the department had been waiting on pins and needles to hear what had been suggested. After reading it, I wished I had a pin and a needle to gauge both my eyes out, so as to not have to read another one of her emails.
Some suggestions were reasonable: save energy by turning electronics off, start recycling, etc.
Some were not.
One simply read “Building Scavenger Hunt”. How is that a suggestion? The box was not labeled “ways to find out who keeps alcohol in their desks”. It’s a freaking suggestion box.
Another person suggested we start a company softball team. That is a terrible idea. Why on earth would anyone want to spend more time with people like the one who submitted this “suggestion”?
“I can’t print excel documents 1 sided. Does anyone know how to do this?”
What’s more ridiculous; the fact that this person mistook the suggestion box for a printing FAQs box, or the admin deciding to include it with the other suggestions? I guarantee that the other 98 people in the department know how to print on one side. In fact, within seconds someone explained how to do it. Thank God they replied to all so I could have a fourth reason to jump out the sixth floor window within a span of 10 minutes.
What is wrong with people? How in the world did someone who can’t figure out how to change printer properties get hired in the first place?
Update 8/29. The person who put the printing FAQ in the suggestion box has been promoted. I kid you not.
Not only did our ingenious administrative assistant detail every suggestion whether or not they fell into the suggestion category, she ended the email with the following statement…
“We are also looking to start a fun committee. If you are interested in joining this team, please let me know. This team will meet to think of things that will make the work place a fun place to be.”
For the love of God, shoot me in the head. Not just a fun committee. A fun committee that is so important it needs a 20 point green font. If we’re not going to start cocktail weekdays then there will be no fun here. I cannot imagine anything less pathetic than the people who aspire to make the office more fun. The office will never be fun. It’s an office.
I have a suggestion for the fun committee: Replace Casual Fridays with “Everyone’s a Bitch” Fridays. Now that would be fun. Everyone would have the freedom to call others “Bitches”. I tested this idea with a couple of co-workers and it caught on like wildfire. All emails were addressed “Dear Bitch”. Anytime I would have said someone’s name, I inserted the word Bitch. There are so many people that I’d like to call a bitch.
The only downside of this program is that I guarantee a lot of work would be put off until Friday. “I really need to point out all the mistakes Johnson made on his Account Reconciliation immediately, but if I wait till Friday, I can call him a bitch too”.
Put that in your stupid suggestion box you fun committee Bitches!
It was a pointless email that detailed the 6 suggestions that were submitted. It was unclear whether or not anything would be done with the suggestions. But, it was sent as though the department had been waiting on pins and needles to hear what had been suggested. After reading it, I wished I had a pin and a needle to gauge both my eyes out, so as to not have to read another one of her emails.
Some suggestions were reasonable: save energy by turning electronics off, start recycling, etc.
Some were not.
One simply read “Building Scavenger Hunt”. How is that a suggestion? The box was not labeled “ways to find out who keeps alcohol in their desks”. It’s a freaking suggestion box.
Another person suggested we start a company softball team. That is a terrible idea. Why on earth would anyone want to spend more time with people like the one who submitted this “suggestion”?
“I can’t print excel documents 1 sided. Does anyone know how to do this?”
What’s more ridiculous; the fact that this person mistook the suggestion box for a printing FAQs box, or the admin deciding to include it with the other suggestions? I guarantee that the other 98 people in the department know how to print on one side. In fact, within seconds someone explained how to do it. Thank God they replied to all so I could have a fourth reason to jump out the sixth floor window within a span of 10 minutes.
What is wrong with people? How in the world did someone who can’t figure out how to change printer properties get hired in the first place?
Update 8/29. The person who put the printing FAQ in the suggestion box has been promoted. I kid you not.
Not only did our ingenious administrative assistant detail every suggestion whether or not they fell into the suggestion category, she ended the email with the following statement…
“We are also looking to start a fun committee. If you are interested in joining this team, please let me know. This team will meet to think of things that will make the work place a fun place to be.”
For the love of God, shoot me in the head. Not just a fun committee. A fun committee that is so important it needs a 20 point green font. If we’re not going to start cocktail weekdays then there will be no fun here. I cannot imagine anything less pathetic than the people who aspire to make the office more fun. The office will never be fun. It’s an office.
I have a suggestion for the fun committee: Replace Casual Fridays with “Everyone’s a Bitch” Fridays. Now that would be fun. Everyone would have the freedom to call others “Bitches”. I tested this idea with a couple of co-workers and it caught on like wildfire. All emails were addressed “Dear Bitch”. Anytime I would have said someone’s name, I inserted the word Bitch. There are so many people that I’d like to call a bitch.
The only downside of this program is that I guarantee a lot of work would be put off until Friday. “I really need to point out all the mistakes Johnson made on his Account Reconciliation immediately, but if I wait till Friday, I can call him a bitch too”.
Put that in your stupid suggestion box you fun committee Bitches!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Work's for PHAGS Intro/Craig Quits
Two Hit Wonder dot com will be celebrating its first anniversary next month. That’s the paper anniversary and Craig took advantage of that opportunity to give me his resignation. He grew weary of my mental instability and Diva-like behavior and has decided to quit the band. We heard reunion tours are quite lucrative, so we’ll split up for the time being and wait for the offers to pour in.
Starting today I will begin writing for both the Matt and Craig characters. Since I’ve written 95% of the site content to date, the change will be minimal. But, I’ll now have the liberty to do something I’ve wanted to do all along…make the Craig character gay. To honor Craig’s memory, 2HW is launching a long overdue section called “Work’s for PHAGS”.
I have spent the last five years living out scenes from “Office Space” in Corporate Accounts Payable. One of the many things I hate about Corporate America is the ridiculous overuse of Acronyms. You can’t say “John is phenomenal at Microsoft Access”, you have to say “John is an Access ‘S.M.E.’” (Subject Matter Expert).
I have come up with an acronym of my own to describe the type of people who work in Corporate America…PHAGS. It stands for Phony High-Horsed Anal Gaywad Suckers. If you think that’s politically incorrect, you probably work in Corporate America.
Plus, since Craig is now gay, we have license to say what we want about his people. It’s like when you hear someone follow an off color joke with, “It’s cool. My mom is part black” or “Don’t worry, I have a very good friend who’s a Chinaman”.
Keep in mind that if you are a phag (like Craig), we don’t mean for the phrase “Work’s for Phags” to be taken literally (or figuratively). We would in no way wish work upon anyone.
We’re just trying to maintain the tradition that Craig started 20 years ago when his 9th grade English teacher told his class “Take out your homework” and Craig responded, “Homework’s for fags”. Even in the current era of political correctness, we believe there are still things that are “for phags”. 2HW exists to point them out. Corporate America is about as for phags as it gets and we’ll use this space to explain why.
Starting today I will begin writing for both the Matt and Craig characters. Since I’ve written 95% of the site content to date, the change will be minimal. But, I’ll now have the liberty to do something I’ve wanted to do all along…make the Craig character gay. To honor Craig’s memory, 2HW is launching a long overdue section called “Work’s for PHAGS”.
I have spent the last five years living out scenes from “Office Space” in Corporate Accounts Payable. One of the many things I hate about Corporate America is the ridiculous overuse of Acronyms. You can’t say “John is phenomenal at Microsoft Access”, you have to say “John is an Access ‘S.M.E.’” (Subject Matter Expert).
I have come up with an acronym of my own to describe the type of people who work in Corporate America…PHAGS. It stands for Phony High-Horsed Anal Gaywad Suckers. If you think that’s politically incorrect, you probably work in Corporate America.
Plus, since Craig is now gay, we have license to say what we want about his people. It’s like when you hear someone follow an off color joke with, “It’s cool. My mom is part black” or “Don’t worry, I have a very good friend who’s a Chinaman”.
Keep in mind that if you are a phag (like Craig), we don’t mean for the phrase “Work’s for Phags” to be taken literally (or figuratively). We would in no way wish work upon anyone.
We’re just trying to maintain the tradition that Craig started 20 years ago when his 9th grade English teacher told his class “Take out your homework” and Craig responded, “Homework’s for fags”. Even in the current era of political correctness, we believe there are still things that are “for phags”. 2HW exists to point them out. Corporate America is about as for phags as it gets and we’ll use this space to explain why.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Letter to Boomerang (kids TV channel in Britain)
Dear Boomerang,
One little mommy tattled on Tom and Jerry and you caved, saying, “We have now pledged to view Boomerang's entire library of favorite cartoons and remove all other references that could be seen as glamorizing smoking in all our shows”. You are missing the point. Smoking is glamorous (see picture below). When a cat is doing the smoking, it is equal parts glamorous and hilarious.
You went on to say, “while we appreciate the historic integrity of the animation, the level of editorial justification required for the inclusion of smoking in cartoons is necessarily high.” When you start spewing phrases like “editorial justification” you lose your license to tamper with classic children’s cartoons.
I mean, what parent wouldn’t want their kids to watch a sweet little cartoon about a cat who tries to kill a mouse with poison, axes, dynamite, and firearms? Sure, kids might imitate Jerry sawing Tom in half, but I’m sure you see that as a necessary risk to keep the integrity of the cartoon in tact. Kids need to become desensitized to violence at an early age if they’re going to grow up and buy your video games. They may become serial killers or gangstas, but thanks to you they’re more likely to have clean lungs.
Thanks,
Matt of 2HW
One little mommy tattled on Tom and Jerry and you caved, saying, “We have now pledged to view Boomerang's entire library of favorite cartoons and remove all other references that could be seen as glamorizing smoking in all our shows”. You are missing the point. Smoking is glamorous (see picture below). When a cat is doing the smoking, it is equal parts glamorous and hilarious.
You went on to say, “while we appreciate the historic integrity of the animation, the level of editorial justification required for the inclusion of smoking in cartoons is necessarily high.” When you start spewing phrases like “editorial justification” you lose your license to tamper with classic children’s cartoons.
I mean, what parent wouldn’t want their kids to watch a sweet little cartoon about a cat who tries to kill a mouse with poison, axes, dynamite, and firearms? Sure, kids might imitate Jerry sawing Tom in half, but I’m sure you see that as a necessary risk to keep the integrity of the cartoon in tact. Kids need to become desensitized to violence at an early age if they’re going to grow up and buy your video games. They may become serial killers or gangstas, but thanks to you they’re more likely to have clean lungs.
Thanks,
Matt of 2HW
Monday, August 14, 2006
Audio Blogs
This might have been more instrumental in my firing than the urinal video. I had dozens of hours of unedited Audio Blogs on my work computer when it was seized as part of my formal investigation. At some point, I'd like to go back and find some of the most offensive material, but for now, here are the Audio Blogs that I actually edited and posted on You Tube...
Dear Generation XYZ,
Tired of the annoying trend in blogging which forces you to read the blog’s contents? Me too. I’ve started an audio blog with you in mind. Why would anyone read books, when there’s books on tape? Hopefully we’ll revolutionize the blogging industry in the same way. It’s like Taxi Cab Confessions without the annoying video.
Everyday on my way to and from work, I’ll talk into a tiny audio recorder and transfer those recordings into an audio blog. The first offering just went up today. I recommend downloading it to your iPod and listening while you excercise. It’ll be like a motivational speech. After listening, you’ll be saying, “My life could be worse. I could be Matt from Two Hit Wonder.”
Audio Blog 1 Link
Matt’s second offering in Audio Blogdom is a look at his “angry working-man” persona.
Audio Blog 2 Link
Before you come up with excuses as to why you’re not going to waste 6 minutes listening to me talk, get this…”I’m fat and have designs on becoming a private investigator”. I hope you just found 6 minutes. No refunds.
Audio Blog 3 Link
What’s new product lines does 2HW plan to get into? Find out now…
Audio Blog 4 Link
The 2HW workout video.
Audio Blog 5 Link
I search for a portal to get me out of corporate America and into the lunchbox of millions of kids.
Audio Blog 6 Link
I would like to be a contestant on Syndicated Columnist Idol, but today I have to settle for talking about my American Idol column.
Audio Blog 7 Link
Matt = eye candy.
I think that formula needs some work.
Audio Blog 8 Link
Does Matt think he’s smarter than his typing coach? I doubt this blog will answer that.
Audio Blog 9 Link
Listen to me read from my resume.
Audio Blog 10
The Two Hit Wonder Show could be the greatest show since Sledge Hammer.
Audio Blog 11 Link
Office Space meets Rocky.
Audio Blog 12 link
Dear Generation XYZ,
Tired of the annoying trend in blogging which forces you to read the blog’s contents? Me too. I’ve started an audio blog with you in mind. Why would anyone read books, when there’s books on tape? Hopefully we’ll revolutionize the blogging industry in the same way. It’s like Taxi Cab Confessions without the annoying video.
Everyday on my way to and from work, I’ll talk into a tiny audio recorder and transfer those recordings into an audio blog. The first offering just went up today. I recommend downloading it to your iPod and listening while you excercise. It’ll be like a motivational speech. After listening, you’ll be saying, “My life could be worse. I could be Matt from Two Hit Wonder.”
Audio Blog 1 Link
Matt’s second offering in Audio Blogdom is a look at his “angry working-man” persona.
Audio Blog 2 Link
Before you come up with excuses as to why you’re not going to waste 6 minutes listening to me talk, get this…”I’m fat and have designs on becoming a private investigator”. I hope you just found 6 minutes. No refunds.
Audio Blog 3 Link
What’s new product lines does 2HW plan to get into? Find out now…
Audio Blog 4 Link
The 2HW workout video.
Audio Blog 5 Link
I search for a portal to get me out of corporate America and into the lunchbox of millions of kids.
Audio Blog 6 Link
I would like to be a contestant on Syndicated Columnist Idol, but today I have to settle for talking about my American Idol column.
Audio Blog 7 Link
Matt = eye candy.
I think that formula needs some work.
Audio Blog 8 Link
Does Matt think he’s smarter than his typing coach? I doubt this blog will answer that.
Audio Blog 9 Link
Listen to me read from my resume.
Audio Blog 10
The Two Hit Wonder Show could be the greatest show since Sledge Hammer.
Audio Blog 11 Link
Office Space meets Rocky.
Audio Blog 12 link
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Vegas Recap Part 3
The last report left off with Bruce and Steve too concerned about getting to In and Out Burger to care about what might happen to their two fat, drunk friends alone in the big city. Granted, they were probably mad that we didn’t stock their room with a smelly, pirate transvestite hooker midget, but we tried our best. The Barbary Coast evidently does not go the extra mile to ensure total guest satisfaction, although I have to give them credit for creating an environment that made us very thirsty…and God bless them, they repeatedly satisfied our thirst. Craig told our waitress that he heard it was illegal to serve drinks to drunk people and that Two Hit Wonder planned to sue the Barbary Coast for the $360 we lost plus punitive damages. She just laughed and said, “Gin and Tonic?” (Note: It looks like the Barbary took Craig’s threat seriously…Today in the mail I got a coupon for two free nights and $50 in other assorted credits. Looks like the 2HW show is headed back to Vegas baby.)
The next day we woke up and found that Bruce and Steve had already left to play golf. I have nothing against golf, but this is freaking Vegas. Making matters worse, the course they chose to play was an hour and a half away. I mapquested it and it was conveniently located near the Colorado/Utah border. They explained that it was an incredible deal…it usually cost over $200 and they played for $50. Craig commented that he heard lift tickets at Vail were a lot cheaper in the summer months as well. Nothing like hitting Vegas and immediately wasting 8 hours…4 of which were spent outdoors exercising in the 110 degree heat.
Since Steve and Bruce lost their minds, Craig and I were again left to fend for ourselves. We gave Caesar’s Palace a shot, but Craig had flu-like symptoms (side note: flu-like symptoms is my favorite fake Major League baseball injury…Johnson is out with “flu-like symptoms” means that Johnson had trouble maintaining his balance during batting practice due in part to the bottle of Mad Dog that was superglued to his hand). Once we got to Caeasar’s, the nausea hit Craig and he felt like he needed some “fresh air”, but the lobby of the Wynn was too far away, so he had to settle for stepping outside into the stifling Vegas heat. He was quickly back in a cab to the Gold Coast (or more likely the “Thunder Down Under” all male dance revue).
I stuck around and played some No Limit Hold Em. The Caesar’s card room is nice and has a separate tourney room for people dumb enough (us) to pay $20 in juice on a $50 buy in tournament. My session was uneventful…no interesting hands, no interesting players. I scratched out a small win and went back to reunite Two Hit Wonder. But, Craig was still feeling under the weather, so we rested up till our female colleagues finished their little golf outing.
To go out that night, my moustache and I put on arguably my best outfit…a borrowed black and white checkered pantsuit/coverall/unitard and matching red velvet loafers with gold buckles. I could tell Craig still wasn’t quite right when he refused to put on his gay pirate shirt or polyester suit. We planned to meet Steve and Bruce in the lobby and were disappointed when they showed up in business casual attire. Come on ladies, you can book your Myrtle Beach vacation some other time. This is Vegas.
We all headed out to the best $4.99 steak dinner in Vegas…at Ellis Island. EI is even more of a dump than the Gold Coast. If our founding fathers had ruined the lives of Truck Stop Owners instead of Native Americans, we’d have casinos on interstates throughout the country based on the Ellis Island model. When we walked in, there was an old lady trucker playing the slots. She had a dress on that matched my pantsuit, but before we could get a picture, poof, she was gone. She was likely a mirage or some type of fashion superhero.
This episode is getting long and boring. That’s a wrap. More to come…
Monday, August 7, 2006
Friday, August 4, 2006
Vegas Recap Part 2
After seeing a minor celebrity at our own crappy hotel, we decided to venture to the strip the following day for more star gazing and drinking. I think we did better at the drinking, but I’m pretty sure we saw Dr. J. I wonder if he has a blog.
En route to the strip we made our first mistake…not shelling out six bucks for a cab, but instead taking advantage of the “free” shuttle from the fabulous Gold Coast Casino and Bowling Alley to the equally classy (but on Strip) Barbary Coast. Free is not a fair price when the shuttle ride requires a 15 minute wait in the 110 degree Vegas heat. Polyester pants might look good, but they create a ridiculous amount of butt sweat.
Upon arriving at the Barbary, we made our second mistake. Instead of relaxing indoors and letting the seats of our pants dry, we inexplicably walked to the Bellagio. We followed that up with a walk to Caesar’s and closed with a walk back to the Barb. That’s more exercise than we normally get in a month.
Adding to our pain, Craig forgot to put the talcum powder in his fanny pack (that’s how I know he’s gay). In order to soak up some of the sweat and relieve some of the chaffing, we should have immediately returned to the room. It would have saved our asses…literally and figuratively. But, we’re fat and lazy, so we sat down at the nearest Pai Gow Poker table.
Pai Gow is supposed to be the game that you don’t lose too much money at, but are able to just relax and enjoy the free cocktails. And lo and behold, no sooner did we sit down than we heard that magical word, “COCKTAILS?” “Gin and tonic,” said Craig. “Jack and coke,” I said…and we were on our way. We sat in the same seats for over 8 hours. How could we have known that the free drinks would end up costing 6 bucks each? We probably shouldn’t have had 60 of them, but, damnit, we got our first ever comp…one and a half prime rib dinners each. Our star power was finally paying off for us.
During the Pai Gow session, we made friends with all who dared sit with us and the most talented Pai Gow dealers on the planet. One old lady complemented Craig on his “nice hand”…Craig replied while turning his hand up and down, “Aww..thanks. That’s what my mother says”. There were some guys from Bozeman, Montana. Craig thought he’d make pals by switching from gin and tonic to “The Bozeman”, which was Jaegermeister and something weird. Later he switched to beer. I guess Craig never heard the old saying, “Beer after Bozeman and your stomach will hurt real bad”.
We went through three cocktail waitresses and three or four pit bosses. We told each new pit boss the same story, “Our friends Bruce and Steve are coming in town later and we’d like to surprise them by planting a smelly, midget transvestite hooker/stripper in their room. Do you know a guy?” Surprisingly, not one of them could help us out.
There is very little of our conversations that I can remember, but if it weren’t for the ban on video cameras inside of casinos, the Two Hit Wonder Show would have already been sold to David Hasselhof’s production company. Everyone enjoyed the show, especially the house and the waitresses. One day we hope to not have to pay people to be entertained by us.
Eventually, Steve and Bruce called to say they had made it into town. We told them to come pick us up. But, they chose “In and Out” burger over friendship, so Craig and I went to our free prime rib dinner instead. It was not good, but my taste buds didn’t know it. Everything about the dinner was in slow motion, especially my reflexes. (The next day I found huge Au Jus stains on the general crotchal region of my short pants.) Motor skills were failing fast, but Craig was still able to sprint to the bathroom to try to throw up. That didn’t work, so he kept eating his prime rib until he did in fact vomit. It was that good.
We stumbled into the cab and skipped out on meeting up with Bruce and Steve so that we could take a nap…It was not even 11:00pm yet and we were done. I woke up at 2:30am and saved Craig’s life by walking down our half mile hallway and getting a bottled water for both of us. I tried to rally and called Steve and Bruce, who were having drinks at the Rio. Instead, my belly full of Jack Daniels told me it was time for another nap.
To Be Continued.
En route to the strip we made our first mistake…not shelling out six bucks for a cab, but instead taking advantage of the “free” shuttle from the fabulous Gold Coast Casino and Bowling Alley to the equally classy (but on Strip) Barbary Coast. Free is not a fair price when the shuttle ride requires a 15 minute wait in the 110 degree Vegas heat. Polyester pants might look good, but they create a ridiculous amount of butt sweat.
Upon arriving at the Barbary, we made our second mistake. Instead of relaxing indoors and letting the seats of our pants dry, we inexplicably walked to the Bellagio. We followed that up with a walk to Caesar’s and closed with a walk back to the Barb. That’s more exercise than we normally get in a month.
Adding to our pain, Craig forgot to put the talcum powder in his fanny pack (that’s how I know he’s gay). In order to soak up some of the sweat and relieve some of the chaffing, we should have immediately returned to the room. It would have saved our asses…literally and figuratively. But, we’re fat and lazy, so we sat down at the nearest Pai Gow Poker table.
Pai Gow is supposed to be the game that you don’t lose too much money at, but are able to just relax and enjoy the free cocktails. And lo and behold, no sooner did we sit down than we heard that magical word, “COCKTAILS?” “Gin and tonic,” said Craig. “Jack and coke,” I said…and we were on our way. We sat in the same seats for over 8 hours. How could we have known that the free drinks would end up costing 6 bucks each? We probably shouldn’t have had 60 of them, but, damnit, we got our first ever comp…one and a half prime rib dinners each. Our star power was finally paying off for us.
During the Pai Gow session, we made friends with all who dared sit with us and the most talented Pai Gow dealers on the planet. One old lady complemented Craig on his “nice hand”…Craig replied while turning his hand up and down, “Aww..thanks. That’s what my mother says”. There were some guys from Bozeman, Montana. Craig thought he’d make pals by switching from gin and tonic to “The Bozeman”, which was Jaegermeister and something weird. Later he switched to beer. I guess Craig never heard the old saying, “Beer after Bozeman and your stomach will hurt real bad”.
We went through three cocktail waitresses and three or four pit bosses. We told each new pit boss the same story, “Our friends Bruce and Steve are coming in town later and we’d like to surprise them by planting a smelly, midget transvestite hooker/stripper in their room. Do you know a guy?” Surprisingly, not one of them could help us out.
There is very little of our conversations that I can remember, but if it weren’t for the ban on video cameras inside of casinos, the Two Hit Wonder Show would have already been sold to David Hasselhof’s production company. Everyone enjoyed the show, especially the house and the waitresses. One day we hope to not have to pay people to be entertained by us.
Eventually, Steve and Bruce called to say they had made it into town. We told them to come pick us up. But, they chose “In and Out” burger over friendship, so Craig and I went to our free prime rib dinner instead. It was not good, but my taste buds didn’t know it. Everything about the dinner was in slow motion, especially my reflexes. (The next day I found huge Au Jus stains on the general crotchal region of my short pants.) Motor skills were failing fast, but Craig was still able to sprint to the bathroom to try to throw up. That didn’t work, so he kept eating his prime rib until he did in fact vomit. It was that good.
We stumbled into the cab and skipped out on meeting up with Bruce and Steve so that we could take a nap…It was not even 11:00pm yet and we were done. I woke up at 2:30am and saved Craig’s life by walking down our half mile hallway and getting a bottled water for both of us. I tried to rally and called Steve and Bruce, who were having drinks at the Rio. Instead, my belly full of Jack Daniels told me it was time for another nap.
To Be Continued.
Thursday, August 3, 2006
Vegas Recap Part 1
2HW had grand plans for Vegas week. We planned to film a full season of the Two Hit Wonder Show, an episode of Last Wonder Standing, and Lord willing get a gig as the overnight lounge act at second rate off strip property. We dreamed of seeing our names in lights, our faces on billboards, and talk of the Fat Pack buzzing all around town. Instead we had to settle for a free Prime Rib dinner for two, which somehow cost us $350…they really need to learn how to treat celebrities in Vegas.
We left for Vegas on Wednesday. The Monday before, I got the stomach flu. That was awesome. As an unmedicated sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome, I know my way around a toilet, but this was painful. I’ll leave out the details, but I was still not feeling 100% on Wednesday morning. But, Vegas is a great place to go coming off the stomach flu…all you can eat buffets, free drinks and tons of noise and smoke are the perfect antidote for the flu. I sucked it up and by the time my plane touched down I was ready to go.
We checked in to the fabulous Gold Coast Hotel, Casino and Bowling Alley. The quality of the rooms could be described as “second to many”. It may not be nice, but at least it’s a mile off the Strip. Everything about the hotel was outdated, even the maid service. For whatever reason, they wouldn’t leave us a new bar of soap in the morning. When you have the combined body surface area of Craig and I and need at least two showers a day from excess exposure to “dry” heat, you’re going to need more than one bar to share over the course of a four day stay. Craig called down to get some soap. A short time later the lady came and delivered shampoo and lotion. “I appreciate it, but we just need soap,” Craig said. The lady went on a tirade about what they told her to bring and that she didn’t have any soap and it would probably take quite a while because she didn’t have it and had a lot of other things to do. Most five star hotels teach their maids to argue with guests as much as possible and only give out extra soap if the guest puts up enough of a fight.
Our first night we walked past Wil Wheaton, who I recognized more for his work for Poker Stars online poker room rather than his gutsy portrayal of Gordie in “Stand By Me”. There were a couple of other Poker Stars types with him who I did not recognize, until I happened upon this blog entry (dead link deleted) from “Otis” the official blogger of Poker Stars. It was really weird to be an uncredited background character in a blog, so I sent him this letter…
“For no apparent reason, my fat friend Craig and I intentionally decided to stay at the Gold Coast. If you thought the Casino area and Steak and Egg café were bad, you should have seen our room, especially the freaking shower. It may have been dirty, but by the time you were done showering you couldn’t tell due to the ankle deep standing water…Nothing like cleaning up while standing in a cesspool of your own filth.
We had wrapped a killer $100NL session in the Gold Coast’s several table “poker room”, and passed you guys on the way to a Pai Gow session of our own. I recognized Wil, but wasn’t familiar with any of the other Up For Faces. (Wardrobe note: Whenever we go to Vegas our wives request that we grow horrific moustaches and dress like tourists, so as to not attract a female.)
Heavy C and I were sitting in Pai Gow heaven–kitty korner across the pit from you guys. I had my back to your table, as I had no intention of arousing Wil with my moustache, red polyester trousers, and lucky red shoes with gold buckles.
The pit boss came over to our table and excitedly showed us the autograph that Wil had just blessed her with. I think “Who the hell is Wil Wheaton?” was asked. “Star Trek” was mumbled, to which the sloppy drunk guy responded, “Was he Yoda?”
You really should have come back the following evening when the three aging Asian women known as the “lounge act” get the GC jumping. Everybody is yelling “Pai Gow” and slapping asses.
That’s enough, Good Lord…I didn’t mean to make a blog entry out of my response to your blog entry. But, did want to ensure that I get credited in the IMDB profile of that blog entry as “Creepy Tourist”. Craig and I are America’s 4th funniest low-brow buddy comedy duo, Two Hit Wonder. www.twohitwonder.com is a train wreck of poorly written drivel, with the look and feel of a junior high school computer science project gone horribly wrong. Congratulations, you are about to become a background character in Two Hit Wonder’s Las Vegas Recap.”
To be continued…
We left for Vegas on Wednesday. The Monday before, I got the stomach flu. That was awesome. As an unmedicated sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome, I know my way around a toilet, but this was painful. I’ll leave out the details, but I was still not feeling 100% on Wednesday morning. But, Vegas is a great place to go coming off the stomach flu…all you can eat buffets, free drinks and tons of noise and smoke are the perfect antidote for the flu. I sucked it up and by the time my plane touched down I was ready to go.
We checked in to the fabulous Gold Coast Hotel, Casino and Bowling Alley. The quality of the rooms could be described as “second to many”. It may not be nice, but at least it’s a mile off the Strip. Everything about the hotel was outdated, even the maid service. For whatever reason, they wouldn’t leave us a new bar of soap in the morning. When you have the combined body surface area of Craig and I and need at least two showers a day from excess exposure to “dry” heat, you’re going to need more than one bar to share over the course of a four day stay. Craig called down to get some soap. A short time later the lady came and delivered shampoo and lotion. “I appreciate it, but we just need soap,” Craig said. The lady went on a tirade about what they told her to bring and that she didn’t have any soap and it would probably take quite a while because she didn’t have it and had a lot of other things to do. Most five star hotels teach their maids to argue with guests as much as possible and only give out extra soap if the guest puts up enough of a fight.
Our first night we walked past Wil Wheaton, who I recognized more for his work for Poker Stars online poker room rather than his gutsy portrayal of Gordie in “Stand By Me”. There were a couple of other Poker Stars types with him who I did not recognize, until I happened upon this blog entry (dead link deleted) from “Otis” the official blogger of Poker Stars. It was really weird to be an uncredited background character in a blog, so I sent him this letter…
“For no apparent reason, my fat friend Craig and I intentionally decided to stay at the Gold Coast. If you thought the Casino area and Steak and Egg café were bad, you should have seen our room, especially the freaking shower. It may have been dirty, but by the time you were done showering you couldn’t tell due to the ankle deep standing water…Nothing like cleaning up while standing in a cesspool of your own filth.
We had wrapped a killer $100NL session in the Gold Coast’s several table “poker room”, and passed you guys on the way to a Pai Gow session of our own. I recognized Wil, but wasn’t familiar with any of the other Up For Faces. (Wardrobe note: Whenever we go to Vegas our wives request that we grow horrific moustaches and dress like tourists, so as to not attract a female.)
Heavy C and I were sitting in Pai Gow heaven–kitty korner across the pit from you guys. I had my back to your table, as I had no intention of arousing Wil with my moustache, red polyester trousers, and lucky red shoes with gold buckles.
The pit boss came over to our table and excitedly showed us the autograph that Wil had just blessed her with. I think “Who the hell is Wil Wheaton?” was asked. “Star Trek” was mumbled, to which the sloppy drunk guy responded, “Was he Yoda?”
You really should have come back the following evening when the three aging Asian women known as the “lounge act” get the GC jumping. Everybody is yelling “Pai Gow” and slapping asses.
That’s enough, Good Lord…I didn’t mean to make a blog entry out of my response to your blog entry. But, did want to ensure that I get credited in the IMDB profile of that blog entry as “Creepy Tourist”. Craig and I are America’s 4th funniest low-brow buddy comedy duo, Two Hit Wonder. www.twohitwonder.com is a train wreck of poorly written drivel, with the look and feel of a junior high school computer science project gone horribly wrong. Congratulations, you are about to become a background character in Two Hit Wonder’s Las Vegas Recap.”
To be continued…
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Letter to anyone who will listen (re: the Cruise/Holmes baby)
Dear Anyone who will listen,
Two Hit Wonder would like to state for the record that we have seen Suri Cruise-Holmes and she is beautiful. Tom and Katie are very good, heterosexual parents and are not in any way anti-semites.
Thanks,
2HW
P.S. Friendly reminder: contributions can be made to 2HW here.
Two Hit Wonder would like to state for the record that we have seen Suri Cruise-Holmes and she is beautiful. Tom and Katie are very good, heterosexual parents and are not in any way anti-semites.
Thanks,
2HW
P.S. Friendly reminder: contributions can be made to 2HW here.
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