Frequently Asked Questions

FAQs: Below is a list of the questions we’ve received most often (and by “most often” we mean “once” and by “received” we mean “wished someone would have asked us”). Feel free to submit your own questions to mail at twohitwonder dot com

What do you hope to accomplish with this website?
M: I’d like to see this website become the launching pad for a career precisely one half as successful as Jared from Subway’s.
C: To secure our position as the fourth funniest buddy comedy in America.

Often where-are-they-nows are done after a person becomes a celebrity. Why do you feel it’s important to tell people where you are prior to becoming stars?
M: Mainly because I just got laid off.
C: “Prior to becoming stars?” You must be confused. There are millions of stars in outer space that cannot be seen by the human eye from earth. Simply because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Nonetheless, we feel this website is necessary in order to properly document our climb up the proverbial ladder of becoming American icons.

Why two hit wonder?
M: I apologize in advance, because this actually has a long and serious answer. I had always thought of myself as a genius (mainly due to a self graded IQ test that I cheated on in a high school psychology class). But, really started second guessing myself when I was turned down for a position as a Snappy Car Rental Customer Service Rep. Then I watched an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy starring Thomas Haden Church, Jeff Foxworthy and Jasmine Bleeth. Suddenly, I was a genius again. That day I decided to become a celebrity. And not some run-of-the-mill future Surreal Life cast member celebrity. I would need to be twice as good.C: onehitwonder dot com was already taken, obviously an omen that while we were at it we might as well do it twice.
What type of hits are you planning to have?M: I’m in preproduction of a screenplay trilogy based on our life stories. Our 5 years of college, I’m calling “Older, Fatter School”…Our 5 years trying to figure out what the hell went wrong I’m calling “Fight Club II: No more fighting”…and our 5 years working for the man will be called “Office Place”. Think Lord of the Rings with less wizards.
C: We’re really wanting to focus on cult classics like that one film where people go to the movie theater all dressed up and act out the lines and stuff. I can’t remember the name of it but I think its in black and white and has something to do with Frankenstien or monsters or something like that. Nonetheless, it seems like it’s been pretty popular but I just hope our fans aren’t that weird.

A lot of celebrities are skinny and good looking. How do you plan to combat your obvious disadvantage in those areas?
M: I’m taking a class on magic.
C: In some cultures girth is a sign of fertility. Isn’t baldness seen as a sign of infertility? Well, that should equal it out. And we’ll use a lot of mirrors.

Do you have any memorabilia available for purchase on Ebay?
M: What would you be willing to buy and how much would you be willing to bid? Seriously though, start-up companies have initial public offerings to generate cash flow. Wouldn’t it make sense for us to give our fan(s) the chance to purchase some of our every day household items that may not be worth much now, but have the potential to be worth a fraction of what you might pay for them on eBay if our careers are as successful as many have predicted.
C: No, but during the courtship of my wife I saved my belly button lint in a jar. She didn’t find it impressive. The bidding will start at $1.

What’s wrong with you?
M: I have mental problems.
C: Um, I’m not sure I understand the question.

What is your favorite cuss word?
M: Dickweed. And it’s not even close.
C: Carlos.

If you were a product, what would be your marketing slogan?
M: I could go two ways here. If you break it, you bought it. Or if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
C: The real thing. Twice.

Does this site have t-shirts for sale?
M: Yes.
C: Not really.

It sounds like it would be almost impossible for your project to be unsuccessful. Have you already negotiated a deal to make and market action figures of yourselves?
M: I’m not sure if “action” would be the right adjective, but we are working on a shoe deal with Kangaroos.
C: “Action Figures” is so prejudiced against the 9-5er. It encourages false hopes of excitement and purpose in the minds of little kiddy suburbanites. We refuse to lie to our peeps. So, we just call them “Figures”. It requires a lot less movement.

Are those pictures at the top of the website really you?
M: We wish we were that good looking. We scoured the world-wide-web looking for pictures of guys that looked the part. These two idiots might as well have had “two hit wonder” stamped on their forehead. Nice moustaches!
C: We often use stunt doubles during photo shoots. We can’t afford to risk injury or defamation of our God given beauty. Those flashes are bright! I think we found these two guys outside the Y dumpster diving.

Some have said that your lack of success to date is likely due to the fact that you are in fact over-talented. Please comment.
M: Thank you for noticing. We are flat out genetic freaks. Looks that could stop traffic. Senses of humor that rival Gallagher. Writing skills that are every bit as unpredictable (and as funny as) a Hardy Boy’s novel. How does that much raw talent settle on one genre?
C: Being a star takes a large commitment from many people. We’ve finally reached that point of humility where we are willing to let others work for us.

This website could really use a soundtrack?
M: Technically, that’s not a question, but you are correct.
C: We have a few songs in the works like “Bye-Bye Boy”, “Steak and Lobster Baby” and a blues meets beginning guitar southern rock rendition of ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb”. Matt’s been working on a tune that speaks to the trials of the working-man and some sort of rash he gets from his mouse pad. It will blow you away.

What is your favorite kind of salt?
M: Iodized.

Letter to Paul Rudd

Dear Paul Rudd,

Remember us? Shawnee Mission West High School in the late eighties. You used to give the morning announcements, we used to listen to the morning announcements. Those were the days. Craig was a Vike Stud (for the uninformed that’s code for adolescent boys prancing around in sweater vests trying to imitate the girl’s drill team) the year they got banned for doing too many pelvic thrusts. He broke a mini-tramp and split his pants in the final performance. Anyway, we’ve missed you and/or we are looking for work. Did you get most of your jobs by emailing big stars and networks asking if you could be in a spinoff series of their hit show? Cause, we’ve been trying that and it is not working at all.

Thanks,
2HW

Letter to William Shattner

Dear William Shattner,

I’m a big fan of your Boston Legal character Denny Crane. He takes me back to a simpler time, when it was okay to say “_____ is for fags”. Example…Shirley Schmidt tells you to get her coat. You tell her “Coats are for fags”.

While I’ve got your attention, what the hell was David E. Kelley thinking when he added two teenagers and that girl from “Ed” to this year’s cast? Is he trying to get some of the “O.C.’s” audience? Everyone with a brain knows that you and Spader are Boston Legal. I have to fast forward through the teen drama crap to get to more Denny Crane.

But, I digress. Why don’t you spin the hell out of there and let them be “The Practice II” (they can keep Candice), while you start your own firm with Alan Shore, Craig and I. “Boston Legal: Miami” is a blockbuster waiting to happen. I’ve had a lifelong dream to have a good reason to yell “YOU’RE BADGERING THE WITNESS!”

Thanks,
Matt from 2HW

Fans Demand Pictures of Craig

FAT GUY PIX!!!!!!! HOW MANY X’S MUST I ASK!!!!!!!!
Ted

Thank you very much for your email. Due to unprecedented email volume, we have been slow to respond to the email (plural) that we have received. We apologize for any inconvenience.

For our readers at home who may not know that you were referring to Craig when you requested “Fat Guy” pics, I offer the following explanation:
“Who’s the Fat Guy?” is a confusing question. When we were in high school, Matt’s Grandpa was introduced to Craig. On their second meeting, Grandpa asked Craig if he had been gaining weight. Days later Matt introduced his grandpa to another friend, Greg. Grandpa said, “It’s nice to meet you jack and the bean stick, but where’s that fat kid at?” Craig’s “Fat Kid” persona was born. Since that time, Matt has gained 80 pounds and is the real Fat Kid, but Craig has been unable to shake his nickname.

Craig has been working feverishly to get some photos of himself for the website. We thought full body shots would be best. Craig is most comfortable without his shirt, so we decided the beach would be the ideal backdrop. Matt suggested that the pics be taken with Craig wearing only his moustache and a smile. His wife demanded that he at least wear a Speedo. Since then Craig has been trying to locate the perfect set of trunks. We searched Ebay and found some nice used black and white striped Speedos, but someone had already bid $1.99.

Yesterday, Craig shaved his goatee to just a moustache and went Speedo shopping at a Thrift Store (I can’t make this stuff up, well, I could, but it wouldn’t be as pathetic). Having no luck at the Thrift Store, Craig decided to get some pictures of himself at work, where he was recently named Associate of the Month. To take pictures, most people would have brought along a photographer. Not Craig. He and his moustache set up his tripod and began snapping pictures of himself using his camera’s timer. Just for a second, picture one of Craig’s co-workers coming in on a Saturday to a mostly empty office only to find a badly moustached, slightly overweight Craig alone in his cube with a tri-pod set up taking pictures of himself.

To say Craig and Matt have problems would be a considerable understatement. That said, pics of Craig in the office should be available soon. Pics of Craig on the beach will have to wait until he finds the perfect Speedo.

Sincerely,
Andrew Schmack
2HW Intern and Lead Email Correspondent

Letter to Harriet Miers

Dear Harriet Miers,

We have a lot in common. You’ve never been a judge. We’ve never been a wonder. People have made fun of you and laughed at your qualifications. People have laughed near us too. Do you want to do a sitcom with us? We promise it won’t be very good. It’s tentatively titled “Nightcourt: Miami”. Your dream of pretending to be a Judge would finally be realized.

Thanks,
2HW