I’m tired of living in fear. I cringe every time the bathroom door opens while I’m standing at the urinal in my office restroom. But, I have a dream. A dream that one day little white accountants won’t have to hold hands with the other little white accountants while trying to tinkle. I have a dream. A dream that one day my office’s urinals will be 30 inches apart…with privacy partitions.
But, no one seems to care about my dreams. My lawyer had better things to do. The city plumbing code administrator may as well have told me “if you don’t like it, pee in the sink”. So, as a last resort, I turned to my office’s building manager and had this email exchange…
Building Manager,
I have a problem with how close together the urinals are in the men’s rooms in this building. The other day I had an uncomfortable experience, when another employee inadvertently (I assume) brushed up against me while we were standing next to each other at the urinals.
So, I researched urinal code and I have to tell you, it is a fascinating topic. I learned that current code requires 30 inches center to center with a privacy partition. I also learned that since this building was built in 1973 and the code was different back then, it’s not required that the building be brought up to current code, but it sure would be nice to have a reasonable amount of space to feel comfortable. Every time I go into the restroom, I’m worried that someone is going to bump into me again. Is there any way the urinal spacing could be improved?
Thanks,
Matt
His response implied that a restroom remodel would not be happening anytime soon.
This is getting ridiculous. But, where do I turn?
If it weren’t so pale, the NAACP would have my back. But, there’s no National Association for the Advancement of Norwegian People.
If I was born without a member, I wouldn’t have this problem, but at least I’d be eligible to be a member of the National Organization for Women. I searched for a National Association for Dudes, but there’s no such group. (At least it didn’t come up when I googled “NADS”).
Tom Bosley would tell me “don’t get mad, get GLAAD”. But, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation wouldn’t help me because I like girls. Besides, they’re too busy fighting for George Michael’s right to continue smoking (dudes) in the boys’ room.
If I were a dying kid, I’d have the Make a Wish Foundation. But, nobody seems to care about the wishes of a 34 year-old fat, white guy.
Sane people would probably let the issue go at this point. But, sanity is overrated. I was going to wait to play the insanity card, because I had been holding out hope that my large cash settlement in this case would hinge on proving that getting bumped in the men’s room has made me crazy. I’ve since realized that there would be too many witnesses that could definitively say that my insanity was a pre-existing condition. At this point, I’ll take any help I can get. Dear Association of People with (Mental) Disabilities…
Showing posts with label You're An Eight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label You're An Eight. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Friday, October 6, 2006
You're an Eight Update 4
After my lawyer washed his hands of me before returning to “real” work, I went back to the city Plumbing Code Administrator and had this exchange.
PCA,
I feel like Stan Cramer (editor’s note: Stan is a Kansas City local TV news legend who fights for consumer rights). I finally brought my tape measure to work and found that the distance between urinals in the men’s room on my floor is at most 25 inches (pictures below) rather than the required 30 inches. As it turns out, I have more space in which to take care of business than the poor saps on the other 9 floors. I measured each restroom in my building and all of the other urinals are a mere 24 inches apart (pictures unavailable due to my cameraman’s unwillingness to participate in my urinal tour). I also found that the distance between the center of the urinal and the wall should be 15 inches, but these johns came up a couple inches short (that’s what she said).
I’d like to exercise my right to have enough space to comfortably urinate without having a stranger rub up against me. What can be done to ensure that our building is brought up to code? Also, is there any type of witness protection program offered by the city? Because I don’t think “the Man” is going to be very happy with me tattling on him.
Thanks,
Anonymous
Matt,
Looks like you work in an old building. I see where a contractor has recently done some work but I can’t tell what…I am in Florida at code change hearings so I don’t have access to plans or files.
PCA
PCA,
I’m pretty sure the contractor work did not affect the restrooms. On the floors that I’ve seen, it looks like the only work done was adding conference rooms and offices.
I did some more research and my understanding is that whatever the urinal code was at the time the building was built would be the standard that the building would be held to until a “change of use” or “change of ownership”, which would require the building be brought up to the current code. Is that correct? If so, I believe the building used to be owned by my parent company, but my company split from them and took over the building in mid-May…which I would think would constitute a change of ownership. Let me know if I have my facts right.
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
A change in use would require the building to be brought up to code. Ownership has no bearing on the matter. I had some research done for me while I was out of the office and it looks like the building was built in 1973. I don’t think there is anything that we can do about the situation. Typically the statue of limitations on building code items is two years. Sorry.
PCA
End email exchange.
Oh PCA…you have made a horrible mistake. And I’m not talking about your reference to a “statue” of limitations. You’ve brushed me aside. My lawyer brushed me aside. But, I will not idly stand by and let my side continue to be brushed by other men while standing at the urinal. I was violated and I will not rest until I’m vindicated.
PCA,
I feel like Stan Cramer (editor’s note: Stan is a Kansas City local TV news legend who fights for consumer rights). I finally brought my tape measure to work and found that the distance between urinals in the men’s room on my floor is at most 25 inches (pictures below) rather than the required 30 inches. As it turns out, I have more space in which to take care of business than the poor saps on the other 9 floors. I measured each restroom in my building and all of the other urinals are a mere 24 inches apart (pictures unavailable due to my cameraman’s unwillingness to participate in my urinal tour). I also found that the distance between the center of the urinal and the wall should be 15 inches, but these johns came up a couple inches short (that’s what she said).
I’d like to exercise my right to have enough space to comfortably urinate without having a stranger rub up against me. What can be done to ensure that our building is brought up to code? Also, is there any type of witness protection program offered by the city? Because I don’t think “the Man” is going to be very happy with me tattling on him.
Thanks,
Anonymous
Matt,
Looks like you work in an old building. I see where a contractor has recently done some work but I can’t tell what…I am in Florida at code change hearings so I don’t have access to plans or files.
PCA
PCA,
I’m pretty sure the contractor work did not affect the restrooms. On the floors that I’ve seen, it looks like the only work done was adding conference rooms and offices.
I did some more research and my understanding is that whatever the urinal code was at the time the building was built would be the standard that the building would be held to until a “change of use” or “change of ownership”, which would require the building be brought up to the current code. Is that correct? If so, I believe the building used to be owned by my parent company, but my company split from them and took over the building in mid-May…which I would think would constitute a change of ownership. Let me know if I have my facts right.
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
A change in use would require the building to be brought up to code. Ownership has no bearing on the matter. I had some research done for me while I was out of the office and it looks like the building was built in 1973. I don’t think there is anything that we can do about the situation. Typically the statue of limitations on building code items is two years. Sorry.
PCA
End email exchange.
Oh PCA…you have made a horrible mistake. And I’m not talking about your reference to a “statue” of limitations. You’ve brushed me aside. My lawyer brushed me aside. But, I will not idly stand by and let my side continue to be brushed by other men while standing at the urinal. I was violated and I will not rest until I’m vindicated.
Sunday, October 1, 2006
You're an Eight Update 3
My saga to receive hush money from my company for my office’s urinal code non-compliance continues. Here is a follow up email exchange with my lawyer.
Lawyer,
I invested some of the company’s time on Friday to measure the urinals in the 10 men’s rooms in our building. I only have results for 9 out of the 10, because I’m really not allowed on the 10th floor. It’s for our executives. I gave it a good try, but the industrial size tape measure bulging out of my pocket must have aroused suspicion, because I was followed into the men’s room. I panicked and pump faked towards the urinals only to turn around, wash my hands and leave.
All that to say, I think you’re right about the code being different when the building was built, because the nine urinals that I measured were 24 inches apart. But, damnit, I feel it is my duty to fight on behalf of all men who dream of urinating without the threat of being touched by another man.
So, today I continued my research. The best I can tell, this building was built in 1973. Oddly enough, I can’t seem to find a website dedicated to historical urinal code. Perhaps that’s the future of Two Hit Wonder dot com. But, maybe finding out what the urinal code was in 1973 will be irrelevant.
This link says, “Older buildings are ‘grand-fathered’ as code is updated; that is an older building must abide by the applicable toilet codes at the time the build permit was issued.” However, it goes on to say, “‘change of use’ or ‘change of occupancy’ will trigger the need for a new building permit and compliance with current code”.
The building was formerly owned by our parent company, but we spun off from them this summer and we now own the building. If that constitutes a “change of occupancy” or “change of use” then compliance to the current code would be required.
Another requirement I found is that there should be 15 inches between the center of a urinal and any side wall or partition. Our buildings urinals are at least a couple inches too close to the walls as well.
I’d like to make this the defining case in the long history of urinal legislation. I’d like to see Atkinson and Urinal go together like Roe and Wade. Let me know if you think we have a case, otherwise please refer me to a another high-powered lawyer that specializes in pee-pee law. Maybe I should try that guy on the back of the phone book who’s a lawyer and a doctor.
Thanks,
Matt
**Evidently my lawyer was too busy with legitamate cases so I followed up the email above with this one…
Lawyer,
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that my second lengthy email regarding the urinal issue moved me from your “mildly amusing” file to your “he’s on crack/quit bugging me” file. Let me know if I’m reading that right, because if there’s no money to be won, I’m going to go ahead and move forward with notifying the city to see if they’ll do anything. To paraphrase the Beastie Boys, “I’ve got to fight for my right to Potty”.
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
Well, your second email is still in my in box. I have been traveling a lot so I am having a hard time getting to things. I am not expert in this type of law. I know you're not serious about this, but if you were, I'd recommend contacting an another attorney.
Who knows where you will get with the city.
Lawyer
Lawyer,
I invested some of the company’s time on Friday to measure the urinals in the 10 men’s rooms in our building. I only have results for 9 out of the 10, because I’m really not allowed on the 10th floor. It’s for our executives. I gave it a good try, but the industrial size tape measure bulging out of my pocket must have aroused suspicion, because I was followed into the men’s room. I panicked and pump faked towards the urinals only to turn around, wash my hands and leave.
All that to say, I think you’re right about the code being different when the building was built, because the nine urinals that I measured were 24 inches apart. But, damnit, I feel it is my duty to fight on behalf of all men who dream of urinating without the threat of being touched by another man.
So, today I continued my research. The best I can tell, this building was built in 1973. Oddly enough, I can’t seem to find a website dedicated to historical urinal code. Perhaps that’s the future of Two Hit Wonder dot com. But, maybe finding out what the urinal code was in 1973 will be irrelevant.
This link says, “Older buildings are ‘grand-fathered’ as code is updated; that is an older building must abide by the applicable toilet codes at the time the build permit was issued.” However, it goes on to say, “‘change of use’ or ‘change of occupancy’ will trigger the need for a new building permit and compliance with current code”.
The building was formerly owned by our parent company, but we spun off from them this summer and we now own the building. If that constitutes a “change of occupancy” or “change of use” then compliance to the current code would be required.
Another requirement I found is that there should be 15 inches between the center of a urinal and any side wall or partition. Our buildings urinals are at least a couple inches too close to the walls as well.
I’d like to make this the defining case in the long history of urinal legislation. I’d like to see Atkinson and Urinal go together like Roe and Wade. Let me know if you think we have a case, otherwise please refer me to a another high-powered lawyer that specializes in pee-pee law. Maybe I should try that guy on the back of the phone book who’s a lawyer and a doctor.
Thanks,
Matt
**Evidently my lawyer was too busy with legitamate cases so I followed up the email above with this one…
Lawyer,
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that my second lengthy email regarding the urinal issue moved me from your “mildly amusing” file to your “he’s on crack/quit bugging me” file. Let me know if I’m reading that right, because if there’s no money to be won, I’m going to go ahead and move forward with notifying the city to see if they’ll do anything. To paraphrase the Beastie Boys, “I’ve got to fight for my right to Potty”.
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
Well, your second email is still in my in box. I have been traveling a lot so I am having a hard time getting to things. I am not expert in this type of law. I know you're not serious about this, but if you were, I'd recommend contacting an another attorney.
Who knows where you will get with the city.
Lawyer
Thursday, September 28, 2006
You're an Eight Update 2
Here is the email exchange that I had with my lawyer regarding my office’s urinals being too close for comfort. I’m hoping that Jim J. Bullock will play me in the made for TV movie.
Hey Lawyer,
At work yesterday, I was urinating and a guy came in and sidled up next to me…there’s really not enough room for two people to pee next to each other and he kind of brushed up against me.
It really pissed me off, so I researched urinal code and the city of Overland Park requires that they be 30 inches center to center (and have a privacy partition, which these do not). I measured and they’re not even 25 inches apart. There’s not enough room to spread them further apart and the city code manager said it would be a lot of work to move them (I haven’t told him how far apart they are). If they took one of the urinals out, I imagine they wouldn’t be up to code with how many toilets they need per employee…but that’s just a guess. If that were the case they’d have to reconfigure every men’s room on all 10 floors of our building. Oh, I guess I’d need to know who owns the building.
So, why wouldn’t I have my lawyer go to my company and inform them that his anonymous client will agree not to inform the city and save them thousands of dollars in repairs in exchange for a large cash payment? Is that illegal? If so, I could get a doctor to write me notes about my newfound fear of urinating in public and subsequent health problems and mental anguish and it could be the next “sue McDonalds because they serve hot coffee” case. Maybe I should have sent this letter to that lawyer on Seinfeld…Jackie Chiles…instead of you.
If you laugh and call this idea ridiculous, then I was just trying to get more material for my blog. If you forsee me being a thousandaire, then I was dead serious. It’s a choose your own adventure lawsuit.
Choose wisely,
Matt
Matt,
Sorry for the late reply. I was traveling all last week. You have presented a very complex problem. However, I do understand you discomfort with the close proximity of the other users. I will have to look into it. The problem is that that the toilets were probably installed under a different code or they never would have passed inspection. I do have to commend you for your research on the urinal code.
Very impressive.
Lawyer
Hey Lawyer,
At work yesterday, I was urinating and a guy came in and sidled up next to me…there’s really not enough room for two people to pee next to each other and he kind of brushed up against me.
It really pissed me off, so I researched urinal code and the city of Overland Park requires that they be 30 inches center to center (and have a privacy partition, which these do not). I measured and they’re not even 25 inches apart. There’s not enough room to spread them further apart and the city code manager said it would be a lot of work to move them (I haven’t told him how far apart they are). If they took one of the urinals out, I imagine they wouldn’t be up to code with how many toilets they need per employee…but that’s just a guess. If that were the case they’d have to reconfigure every men’s room on all 10 floors of our building. Oh, I guess I’d need to know who owns the building.
So, why wouldn’t I have my lawyer go to my company and inform them that his anonymous client will agree not to inform the city and save them thousands of dollars in repairs in exchange for a large cash payment? Is that illegal? If so, I could get a doctor to write me notes about my newfound fear of urinating in public and subsequent health problems and mental anguish and it could be the next “sue McDonalds because they serve hot coffee” case. Maybe I should have sent this letter to that lawyer on Seinfeld…Jackie Chiles…instead of you.
If you laugh and call this idea ridiculous, then I was just trying to get more material for my blog. If you forsee me being a thousandaire, then I was dead serious. It’s a choose your own adventure lawsuit.
Choose wisely,
Matt
Matt,
Sorry for the late reply. I was traveling all last week. You have presented a very complex problem. However, I do understand you discomfort with the close proximity of the other users. I will have to look into it. The problem is that that the toilets were probably installed under a different code or they never would have passed inspection. I do have to commend you for your research on the urinal code.
Very impressive.
Lawyer
Monday, September 25, 2006
You're an Eight Update
Here’s the follow-up on my previous conversation with the city Plumbing Code Administrator…
PCA,
People actually argued against privacy partitions in urinals? Now there's a cause you can be proud of. What is wrong with people?
Thanks for the info regarding the urinal spacing code. I'm actually going to bring my tape measure in to work to see if the urinals are 30 inches apart. Just out of curiosity, what would the repercussions be if the urinals are not spaced properly?
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
The issue hasn't come up before so I don't know what action we would take. It would be a big deal to move the urinal; my guess would be that we would be reluctant to get involved over an inch or two.
PCA
That's what she said.
As you can tell by the photos, horizontal stripes are not slimming. As you can also tell, the urinals are more than 5 inches closer than the 30 inch minimum. I have uncovered a huge scandal. I may be in over my head.
Before I think about what to do about this situation, I’ll describe the action that took place to get those pictures taken…
I emailed a friend requesting that he meet me in the 6th floor men’s room to take pictures of me. I was a little uncomfortable with how quickly he agreed. I had a small digital camera, but he showed up with his own industrial sized super camera with wide-angled lens. Again…slightly uncomfortable.
We walked into the bathroom together; me holding the tape measure and him holding his camera…I’m sure that happens all the time in corporate America. Luckily a guy was just finishing his business in stall number two and I quickly walked out while my friend tried to play it off like he had to go.
I waited for a while and after I thought the other guy had left, I walked back in and almost ran into my camera guy, who was nonchalantly walking out of the men's room with a huge camera in his hand. I washed my hands until the other guy left.
My friend came back in and we took the pictures. We left at the same time still holding the camera and tape measure. Someone should have taken a picture of us walking out of the men’s room. It would have been great for a caption contest.
I have indisputable visual evidence that the urinals in my office are way too close together. So now what do I do? Tell the city? Consult high-powered lawyer Denny Crane? To be continued…
PCA,
People actually argued against privacy partitions in urinals? Now there's a cause you can be proud of. What is wrong with people?
Thanks for the info regarding the urinal spacing code. I'm actually going to bring my tape measure in to work to see if the urinals are 30 inches apart. Just out of curiosity, what would the repercussions be if the urinals are not spaced properly?
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
The issue hasn't come up before so I don't know what action we would take. It would be a big deal to move the urinal; my guess would be that we would be reluctant to get involved over an inch or two.
PCA
That's what she said.
As you can tell by the photos, horizontal stripes are not slimming. As you can also tell, the urinals are more than 5 inches closer than the 30 inch minimum. I have uncovered a huge scandal. I may be in over my head.
Before I think about what to do about this situation, I’ll describe the action that took place to get those pictures taken…
I emailed a friend requesting that he meet me in the 6th floor men’s room to take pictures of me. I was a little uncomfortable with how quickly he agreed. I had a small digital camera, but he showed up with his own industrial sized super camera with wide-angled lens. Again…slightly uncomfortable.
We walked into the bathroom together; me holding the tape measure and him holding his camera…I’m sure that happens all the time in corporate America. Luckily a guy was just finishing his business in stall number two and I quickly walked out while my friend tried to play it off like he had to go.
I waited for a while and after I thought the other guy had left, I walked back in and almost ran into my camera guy, who was nonchalantly walking out of the men's room with a huge camera in his hand. I washed my hands until the other guy left.
My friend came back in and we took the pictures. We left at the same time still holding the camera and tape measure. Someone should have taken a picture of us walking out of the men’s room. It would have been great for a caption contest.
I have indisputable visual evidence that the urinals in my office are way too close together. So now what do I do? Tell the city? Consult high-powered lawyer Denny Crane? To be continued…
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
You're an Eight
I had a horrifying restroom experience yesterday, which prompted the email below to the city Plumbing Code Administrator…
PCA,
The urinals at my place of business seem to be dangerously close together. I just had the worst case of stage fright I’d ever experienced while attempting to urinate. There’s usually an unspoken rule observed in our office restroom that you use the sit-down toilets if someone else is using one of the two urinals. The guy that entered the restroom just after me was either into me or was unaware of such a rule, because he sidled up right next to me and went about his business. I’m pretty sure at one point if our shoulders weren’t touching, our shirts certainly must have been. I was in such shock that I just stood there frozen, unable to start urinating. He finished and left before I could get my floodgates to open.
Afterwards, I thought “Surely there must be a law against urinals being so close together that men literally rub elbows with each other while urinating”. Thankfully, when I googled “code for required inches between urinals”, the first link was Overland Park’s adoption of the new 2006 plumbing codes. It listed you as the contact for such issues.
I’m writing today to ask you if the code requiring partitions between urinals has been adopted and to see if there is a standard distance that is required between urinals. I’d hate to have to start peeing sitting down, but I’d rather look like a chick than have some dude leaning on me while I’m trying to relieve myself.
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
The minimum clear space between urinals is 30 inches (center to center). There will be a new provision in the 2006 plumbing which will mandate privacy partitions between urinals. I welcomed this change. However, you would not believe all the people who argued against it.
PCA
To Do List:
1) Bring tape measure to work tomorrow.
2) Write a letter to my congressman requesting the death penalty be reinstated for people who fight against privacy partitions between public urinals.
PCA,
The urinals at my place of business seem to be dangerously close together. I just had the worst case of stage fright I’d ever experienced while attempting to urinate. There’s usually an unspoken rule observed in our office restroom that you use the sit-down toilets if someone else is using one of the two urinals. The guy that entered the restroom just after me was either into me or was unaware of such a rule, because he sidled up right next to me and went about his business. I’m pretty sure at one point if our shoulders weren’t touching, our shirts certainly must have been. I was in such shock that I just stood there frozen, unable to start urinating. He finished and left before I could get my floodgates to open.
Afterwards, I thought “Surely there must be a law against urinals being so close together that men literally rub elbows with each other while urinating”. Thankfully, when I googled “code for required inches between urinals”, the first link was Overland Park’s adoption of the new 2006 plumbing codes. It listed you as the contact for such issues.
I’m writing today to ask you if the code requiring partitions between urinals has been adopted and to see if there is a standard distance that is required between urinals. I’d hate to have to start peeing sitting down, but I’d rather look like a chick than have some dude leaning on me while I’m trying to relieve myself.
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
The minimum clear space between urinals is 30 inches (center to center). There will be a new provision in the 2006 plumbing which will mandate privacy partitions between urinals. I welcomed this change. However, you would not believe all the people who argued against it.
PCA
To Do List:
1) Bring tape measure to work tomorrow.
2) Write a letter to my congressman requesting the death penalty be reinstated for people who fight against privacy partitions between public urinals.
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