Letter to Bruce Willis

Dear Bruce Willis,

When I first heard that “Live Free or Die Hard” was coming to a Cineplex near me, I cringed. I assumed that Dick Cheney had followed Al Gore’s lead by putting together an Academy Award worthy PowerPoint presentation about the Pro-Life movement. I was relieved to find out that I would be watching you bleed for 90 minutes rather than the unborn.

And bleed you did. All that blood made me realize that you, like most members of the NYPD, have impossibly white teeth. I also realized for the first time that Detective John McClaine seems to have little interest in getting the girl. Live Free’s formula seemed to be: Boy meets boy. Boy kills bad boys. Boy gets boy? The viewer is left to wonder if your misgivings about Justin Long’s Matt Farrell character dating your daughter had anything to do with you wanting him all to yourself.

I can only hope that your life imitates your art. I’m taking a bit of a risk with this letter, but I’d love to reinvent the Hollywood power couple, by making you my better half. Technically we wouldn’t be the first same sex Hollywood pair, but our union would certainly generate a lot more buzz than Liza and David’s.

All that attention would do wonders for at least one of our careers. I’m not concerned that your star doesn’t shine quite as bright as it did when Demi Moore stepped on your receding hairline to reach $10M paydays. Honestly, I’d be happy to use your bald head as a mini-tramp to land a $10 a week gig as a humor columnist.

But, I wouldn’t be a good partner if I didn’t let you use me too. I guarantee that playing the role of my husband would do as much for your career as playing Vincent Vega did for John Travolta’s. Before you know it, you’ll be making gay biker movies with Martin Lawrence.

You’re already on the right track. It was a brilliant business decision to let the Die Hard franchise evolve in much the same way our country’s views have on an issue like homosexuality. In “Live Free”, John McClaine made it cool to kick serious ass by day and go home with that kid from the Mac commercials at night. You’ve given publicity to an often-overlooked issue, a man’s right to choose (with whom he spoons).

Now, the choice is up to you…will you marry me Bruce Willis?

XXXOOO,
Matt