I'm a Recovering Accountant

I just finished a short humor writing class online through UCLA. It was a great experience....there were a lot of fun, talented writers in my class. Since, I've not written anything for a while on the blog, I'll post my columns back-dating them to when they were written.

I’m a recovering accountant.

I’m embarrassed that it was so easy for me to get caught up in that lifestyle. My English degree and I had no business accounting for anything, but before I knew it I was running around with a pretty rough group of accountants, who seemed hell bent on sucking the funny out of me.

I needed a way out.

My portal to a better life opened one day when a stranger bumped into me while I was standing at the urinals in the office restroom. That urinal bump instantly transformed me into a heavier, uglier version of John Stossel. In addition to the inexplicable desire to grow a creepy mustache, I had a burning urge to crack the urinal code.

At first, I found urinal law to be much more interesting than accounting, but I was completely unprepared for what I was about to uncover. The urinals at my office were in fact dangerously close together. What Jeffrey Wigand was to big tobacco; I was about to be to public toilets.

But, how should I blow the whistle without endangering my life? I emailed the city…the building manager…my lawyer. No one cared. So, I made a humorous video about the subject and posted it on my blog. I didn’t think it was possible that a group of people could take themselves more seriously than accountants…until my urinal video got the attention of two grumpy ladies from Human Resources.

They brought me into a conference room and peppered me with a series rapid-fire questions. “Do you have a website? Do you have a blog? Did you recently post a video on this blog? Did you film that video on company property without permission?” And, my personal favorite, “Matt, at one point in the video, were you in the women’s room?” That’s when I realized they’d actually watched the video.

At the conclusion of the meeting, I was told that I was being placed under formal investigation. Evidently there is not a crime more heinous in the accounting world than attempting to be funny. I was eventually found guilty of conduct unbecoming of an accountant and had my employment terminated. I’m proud to say I’ve been accounting free for eight months and am feeling funnier every day.