Craig's Not Gay?

The last time we went to Vegas it was for the “Craig’s not gay?” bachelor party. That’s when I first learned just how funny punctuation could be. The “Craig’s not gay” bachelor party would have been okay. “Craig’s not gay!” would have been trying too hard. But, “Craig’s not gay?” was perfect.

We decided to stay at the worst hotel on the strip, the Westward Ho (which has since been torn down). I can’t remember if we were trying to save money or we thought it would be funny. But, when booking our trips there was an option for “front of house” or to save $6 you could stay in the Westward Ho’s rear. With the opportunity to save money and have an endless supply of tasteless jokes, we obviously chose to stay in the Ho’s rear. The back of our bachelor party t-shirts said, “What happens in the Westward Ho’s rear, stays in the Westward Ho’s rear”.

The pictures on the banner at the top of the site are from the lounge at the Westward Ho (where our package included unlimited free drinks). Prior to the trip, I took my moustache to a retro clothing store and it seemed to match up best with that polyester suit and hat. Craig chose more of a gay pirate look. It looked like something we might have forced him to wear, but I assure you he purchased his costume on his own. From Vegas he called his wife to complain, “All the guys say my outfit (pirate shirt, flowered stirrup style pants and sandals with black socks) looks gay. Why didn’t you tell me?” Craig’s wife’s response, “Babe, I thought you were going for gay”.

After eating a buffet and playing some poker on the strip, we returned to the beloved Westward Ho lounge for free cocktails. We were the only people in the lounge at about 3am, when I decided to use the restroom.

The only other occupant of the men’s room was a shorter, fatter version of me with an equally horrific moustache. Unlike me, he had a name tag and some cleaning products in his hand. Typically, I’m not one for small talk while standing at a urinal. If I am forced into a conversation, I typically prefer the person I’m small talking with to not be staring me down while I’m finishing my business. But, something about this guy captivated me.

Maybe it was his opening line, “Do you like Girlzzzz?”

I mumbled something that he must have assumed was affirmative, because he launched right into his sales pitch…“I know girlzzz who will stay wit chew in your room all night”.

I wonder how often he closes a sale.

Later, as I recounted the story to Craig (from Two Hit Wonder), I jokingly asked him what about my persona could have possibly led the Westward Ho’s love broker to believe that I actually liked girls. Craig’s response, “What about his persona made you believe they would actually be girls?”