Letter to Mel Gibson

Dear Mel Gibson,

Cheer up. You made a mistake. Mistakes happen. It’s not like Hollywood is run by Jews. I’m sure you’ll find work. Did Richard Gere’s career end after his affair with that gerbil? No, he’s continued to make terrible movies. You should be all set as long as Danny Glover isn’t Jewish.
Here’s some free advice…

First of all, during a night of binge drinking, say “no” to tourists who ask if they can take your picture. Say “yes” when they offer to drive you home.

You compounded the problem by using the politically incorrect term “Sugar Tits” when referring to one of the female arresting officers. Next time, you’re better off using the more appropriate “Sweet Tits” or “Sugar Titted American”.

Finally, you uttered the words that forever endeared you to the Jewish community, “Effing Jews…the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”. “All” is too strong of a word. In the future try to avoid sweeping generalizations and instead say “almost all” or “most”.

On the bright side, a lot of good has come from your comments. You will never have to work with Rob Schneider…and Patrick Swayze called you a “wonderful human being”.

But, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done to repair your image. We’re here for you Mel. We understand your pain. 2HW is in a similar crisis. In the pilot episode of the Two Hit Wonder show, Craig uses a term that was deemed “inappropriate” by his wife and all other females. Craig, in trying to promote the Two Hit Wonder thong says, “They want our faces on their vaginas.” Alienating half of our potential audience was not something that we wanted to do.

We need to make amends. You need to make amends. Let’s get together and have a pancake breakfast to raise money for underprivileged Jews and Vaginas. We’ll call it the “First Annual Mel Gibson/2HW Pigs in a Blanket Breakfast”. Craig became an ordained minister online and for an extra $9.99 he can upgrade to Rabbi as well. Craig may not be a jew yet, but he’s Jew-ish. It would be a great photo opp for both of us. You’d be pictured with a fake Jew, and we’d be pictured with Hollywood’s biggest p*ssy.

Thanks,
Matt