Frequently Asked Questions

FAQs: Below is a list of the questions we’ve received most often (and by “most often” we mean “once” and by “received” we mean “wished someone would have asked us”). Feel free to submit your own questions to mail at twohitwonder dot com

What do you hope to accomplish with this website?
M: I’d like to see this website become the launching pad for a career precisely one half as successful as Jared from Subway’s.
C: To secure our position as the fourth funniest buddy comedy in America.

Often where-are-they-nows are done after a person becomes a celebrity. Why do you feel it’s important to tell people where you are prior to becoming stars?
M: Mainly because I just got laid off.
C: “Prior to becoming stars?” You must be confused. There are millions of stars in outer space that cannot be seen by the human eye from earth. Simply because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Nonetheless, we feel this website is necessary in order to properly document our climb up the proverbial ladder of becoming American icons.

Why two hit wonder?
M: I apologize in advance, because this actually has a long and serious answer. I had always thought of myself as a genius (mainly due to a self graded IQ test that I cheated on in a high school psychology class). But, really started second guessing myself when I was turned down for a position as a Snappy Car Rental Customer Service Rep. Then I watched an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy starring Thomas Haden Church, Jeff Foxworthy and Jasmine Bleeth. Suddenly, I was a genius again. That day I decided to become a celebrity. And not some run-of-the-mill future Surreal Life cast member celebrity. I would need to be twice as good.C: onehitwonder dot com was already taken, obviously an omen that while we were at it we might as well do it twice.
What type of hits are you planning to have?M: I’m in preproduction of a screenplay trilogy based on our life stories. Our 5 years of college, I’m calling “Older, Fatter School”…Our 5 years trying to figure out what the hell went wrong I’m calling “Fight Club II: No more fighting”…and our 5 years working for the man will be called “Office Place”. Think Lord of the Rings with less wizards.
C: We’re really wanting to focus on cult classics like that one film where people go to the movie theater all dressed up and act out the lines and stuff. I can’t remember the name of it but I think its in black and white and has something to do with Frankenstien or monsters or something like that. Nonetheless, it seems like it’s been pretty popular but I just hope our fans aren’t that weird.

A lot of celebrities are skinny and good looking. How do you plan to combat your obvious disadvantage in those areas?
M: I’m taking a class on magic.
C: In some cultures girth is a sign of fertility. Isn’t baldness seen as a sign of infertility? Well, that should equal it out. And we’ll use a lot of mirrors.

Do you have any memorabilia available for purchase on Ebay?
M: What would you be willing to buy and how much would you be willing to bid? Seriously though, start-up companies have initial public offerings to generate cash flow. Wouldn’t it make sense for us to give our fan(s) the chance to purchase some of our every day household items that may not be worth much now, but have the potential to be worth a fraction of what you might pay for them on eBay if our careers are as successful as many have predicted.
C: No, but during the courtship of my wife I saved my belly button lint in a jar. She didn’t find it impressive. The bidding will start at $1.

What’s wrong with you?
M: I have mental problems.
C: Um, I’m not sure I understand the question.

What is your favorite cuss word?
M: Dickweed. And it’s not even close.
C: Carlos.

If you were a product, what would be your marketing slogan?
M: I could go two ways here. If you break it, you bought it. Or if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
C: The real thing. Twice.

Does this site have t-shirts for sale?
M: Yes.
C: Not really.

It sounds like it would be almost impossible for your project to be unsuccessful. Have you already negotiated a deal to make and market action figures of yourselves?
M: I’m not sure if “action” would be the right adjective, but we are working on a shoe deal with Kangaroos.
C: “Action Figures” is so prejudiced against the 9-5er. It encourages false hopes of excitement and purpose in the minds of little kiddy suburbanites. We refuse to lie to our peeps. So, we just call them “Figures”. It requires a lot less movement.

Are those pictures at the top of the website really you?
M: We wish we were that good looking. We scoured the world-wide-web looking for pictures of guys that looked the part. These two idiots might as well have had “two hit wonder” stamped on their forehead. Nice moustaches!
C: We often use stunt doubles during photo shoots. We can’t afford to risk injury or defamation of our God given beauty. Those flashes are bright! I think we found these two guys outside the Y dumpster diving.

Some have said that your lack of success to date is likely due to the fact that you are in fact over-talented. Please comment.
M: Thank you for noticing. We are flat out genetic freaks. Looks that could stop traffic. Senses of humor that rival Gallagher. Writing skills that are every bit as unpredictable (and as funny as) a Hardy Boy’s novel. How does that much raw talent settle on one genre?
C: Being a star takes a large commitment from many people. We’ve finally reached that point of humility where we are willing to let others work for us.

This website could really use a soundtrack?
M: Technically, that’s not a question, but you are correct.
C: We have a few songs in the works like “Bye-Bye Boy”, “Steak and Lobster Baby” and a blues meets beginning guitar southern rock rendition of ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb”. Matt’s been working on a tune that speaks to the trials of the working-man and some sort of rash he gets from his mouse pad. It will blow you away.

What is your favorite kind of salt?
M: Iodized.