Letter to "A Million Little Pieces" Author James Frey

Dear James Frey,

Okay. Okay. So a more appropriate title for your book would have been “Not very many little pieces” or “I’m a lying piece of….”. Big deal. Now you have a million little dollars.

We think you’re a visionary. We’ve been spreading ourselves too thin trying for two hits. You have proven that one is plenty. We’ve tried to be honest and forthright. You’ve shown that lying and conning Oprah results in a much faster track to success. We’re looking for a life coach. You seem to have mastered life.

There’s no need to submit a resume, because we all know that resumes are not held to the same standards as other works of non-fiction. In the resume genre, the writer usually takes liberties. We’ll just assume you think you’re qualified. We look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,
Matt

Letter to Neil Diamond

Dear Neil Diamond,

Dude, are you kidding me? Your concert last night freaking rocked. You are the greatest showman since George Michael. I’m writing to say that I’d leave Craig in a heartbeat if you would be wonder number 2. I’ll replace the picture of Craig in a pirate shirt with a pic of you and your sequins. I doubt anyone will even notice…although I might need to draw in a moustache on your face. It’s amazing that you’ve been so successful without the help of a moustache.

If there’s one thing I learned last night, it’s that I’m not in your target demographic...talk about a GILF-o-Rama. If there is a second thing I learned, it’s that if, in the middle of “Play Me”, I yell out, “PLAY ME NEIL DIAMOND…PLAY ME”, I get weird looks from all of the sixtysomethings. I also realized for the first time that very few of your songs are about grown men who give up their dreams of becoming writers and instead work in Accounts Payable.

You are an inspiration. You write what you want to write, throw your art out there for the world to see and part of the world takes it and part of the world leaves it. In looking at our 2HW site statistics, I noticed that most of the world has chosen the “leave it” route. But, did you give up when all 4 audience members booed you in the Greenwich coffee houses you played in the 1960s? No, you knew that 9 to 5 wasn’t taking you where you were bound (yeah).

Except for the part where you pursued your dreams and I gave up on mine, we’re pretty much soul mates. Like you, I am a frog who dreams of being a king. I had imaginary friends like Shilo. I talk to chairs all the time and I get the same result you get…they don’t hear me. Your teachers said “He has a good head if he’d apply it”…mine said “Matt needs to watch his smart remarks in class”.

Have you noticed the Hollywood trend of making below average retro TV shows into major motion pictures? What if we zigged while everyone else was zagging and made your movie, the Jazz Singer, into a sitcom called “The Jazz Singer”? Craig and I would combine to play the role that you played…young Jewish singer/songwriter. We’d love for you to play the role of the rigid Jewish father.

Dig It,
Matt

P.S. Last night, they sold out of XXL “Neil Diamond Forever” brown jerseys. I’d like 2.

Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,

We’re big fans of David Letterman, and our wives love that guy who was on your show who tells women, “He’s just not that into you”. You had a fake feud with Letterman over the past 15 years, and when you appeared on his show last week, the show drew an audience triple its normal size. You’re already hugely popular, but throw in a little controversy and you’re a regular Howard Stern.

Turns out our site traffic is down, so we’d like to start a feud with you. We think the color purple is stupid. Blue is much better. When you’re ready to make up let us know and we’ll get the olive branch ready and brace our web mistress for our increased traffic.

Thanks,
2HW

Fans Demand Pictures of Craig (again)

So on a scale of one to ten, when do you think I’ll get to see the pics of the uncomfortable and very shirtless Craig in his office?Also, how come this web site rocks so f-ing hard?

Ted

A common misconception is that Craig only does photo shoots shirtless. While Craig did go Speedo shopping the day he took photos of himself at the office, he was not wearing the Speedo at the time the pictures were taken (although he did wear his Speedo to work yesterday since his hot water heater is broken and the snug fitting swimwear is his emergency back up pair of underpants). We apologize for the delay in photos being posted, but tech support has not been able to fix the picture portion of the website. Don’t worry though, autographed 8X10 glossies of Craig’s chest will soon be available in the 2HW store.

As for your final question, this site rocks so f-ing hard because we are the Cadillac of low brow buddy comedy websites. To paraphrase our friends Tenacious D, “If you want your ass blown out…keep logging on to 2HW dot com”.

A. Schmack Out