Letter to Neil Diamond

Dear Neil Diamond,

Dude, are you kidding me? Your concert last night freaking rocked. You are the greatest showman since George Michael. I’m writing to say that I’d leave Craig in a heartbeat if you would be wonder number 2. I’ll replace the picture of Craig in a pirate shirt with a pic of you and your sequins. I doubt anyone will even notice…although I might need to draw in a moustache on your face. It’s amazing that you’ve been so successful without the help of a moustache.

If there’s one thing I learned last night, it’s that I’m not in your target demographic...talk about a GILF-o-Rama. If there is a second thing I learned, it’s that if, in the middle of “Play Me”, I yell out, “PLAY ME NEIL DIAMOND…PLAY ME”, I get weird looks from all of the sixtysomethings. I also realized for the first time that very few of your songs are about grown men who give up their dreams of becoming writers and instead work in Accounts Payable.

You are an inspiration. You write what you want to write, throw your art out there for the world to see and part of the world takes it and part of the world leaves it. In looking at our 2HW site statistics, I noticed that most of the world has chosen the “leave it” route. But, did you give up when all 4 audience members booed you in the Greenwich coffee houses you played in the 1960s? No, you knew that 9 to 5 wasn’t taking you where you were bound (yeah).

Except for the part where you pursued your dreams and I gave up on mine, we’re pretty much soul mates. Like you, I am a frog who dreams of being a king. I had imaginary friends like Shilo. I talk to chairs all the time and I get the same result you get…they don’t hear me. Your teachers said “He has a good head if he’d apply it”…mine said “Matt needs to watch his smart remarks in class”.

Have you noticed the Hollywood trend of making below average retro TV shows into major motion pictures? What if we zigged while everyone else was zagging and made your movie, the Jazz Singer, into a sitcom called “The Jazz Singer”? Craig and I would combine to play the role that you played…young Jewish singer/songwriter. We’d love for you to play the role of the rigid Jewish father.

Dig It,
Matt

P.S. Last night, they sold out of XXL “Neil Diamond Forever” brown jerseys. I’d like 2.