Letter to Miss USA Tara Conner

Dear Tara Conner,

Your recent behavior has included coke snorting (allegedly), Miss Teen USA kissing (allegedly), rock star sexing (allegedly) and underage drinking (admittedly)…which would have been great if you’d won a contest to be Tara Reid for a year. But, you’re Miss USA.

Young women should be looking up to you as the role model who personifies everything that they should aspire to be. Instead, young men are excited that you’re encouraging young women to be promiscuous bi-sexual drunks.

Miss USA owner Donald Trump met with you earlier this week with the intent of firing you for your inappropriate behavior, but instead said, “After speaking to her I saw not only a beautiful woman, but a beautiful heart”. My former company’s version of Donald Trump met with me with the intent of firing me for my inappropriate behavior, and did just that after finding no internal or external beauty.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve watched more than one episode of “The Apprentice” and as a result, I know that when Don-Don sours on someone, it’s over…they’re fired. So, I have to assume that to get back in his good graces, you sold your soul to the Donald. This was confirmed when you wouldn’t confess to being an alcoholic, but let Donald kindly admit to your alcohol addiction on your behalf.

You beautiful people have it made. Engaging in sex, drugs and rock-n-roll on the job earned you compliments from your boss and an all expense paid trip to the rehab resort of your choice. If community service is part of the Don’s plan for your life, I’d like you to consider becoming my mentor. I could certainly use some beauty tips and if I ever find an employer dumb enough to hire me back into the corporate world, I’ll need to learn how to get away with lewd behavior to ensure that I don’t repeat the cardinal sin I committed at my last job…trying to be funny.

Thanks,
Matt

Letter to Bob Barker

Dear Bob Barker,

You are an amazing human being. You’re 83 years old and will finally call it quits this spring after a 35 year run on “The Price is Right”. I think people get caught up in how many dinette sets you’ve given away and forget how much you’ve done for national security. While our government has crafted an ingenious plan to build a border fence to control our illegal immigrant population, nothing is being done to fill the void that will be left when you stop reminding Americans to help control the pet population. It’s as though our government plans to just cross its fingers and hope that Howie Mandel starts telling people to spay and neuter their pets. I hope and pray that you are able to find a worthy successor before domesticated animals take over our country.

Just because you need someone to take over your day-to-day campaign against animal ovaries, that doesn’t mean you’ll cease to make a difference. In fact, you recently pledged $300,000 so that an elephant could move from the harsh conditions of the LA Zoo and into an animal sanctuary. The zoo received a lot of negative publicity this summer when animal activists were up in arms over the tragic death of a 45-year-old elephant. I remember reading the obituary and learning that the average life expectancy of an elephant is 42 years. That’s right…conditions at the zoo are so bad that they actually added three years to the life of a fat, dumb animal.

I’m writing today to see if you’d be willing to pledge $300,000 to put another fat dumb, animal into retirement. Sponsoring me would do a lot to silence your critics who unfairly ask, “What do you have against humans?” Sure, $300k would have gone a long way to help families in need this holiday season, but at least one geriatric elephant gets to spend his golden years in an overpriced retirement villa. With your help, I’d like to join him.

Thanks,
Matt

I was the victim?

My former employer never gave me an official reason for my dismissal, but I maintain that the video was the cause since it was implied that the video launched the formal investigation that led to my termination. As painful as it probably was for HR to sit through the video, my email exchanges with other 2HW employees were much worse. Before I actually got fired, I forwarded a bunch of emails home. Tonight, I came across an incriminating exchange. For the sake of anonymity, I won’t say if it was with Craig or Andrew Schmack, but I will say that it probably cannot be considered “business related”.

The exchange began with me forwarding an email to an unnamed 2HW rep (U2R) saying, “for the love of God look at her signature”. The quote at the end of this person’s signature said, “If you want to be a smart cookie, you can’t have a crumby attitude. –Unknown” I hate auto-signature quotes to begin with, but whenever I got one so ridiculous I about lost it. I thought it was a nice touch that my little friend took the time to let me know that the compelling quote’s author is “Unknown”. I’m kind of surprised that Ben Franklin didn’t claim that beauty.
U2R sent back the following reply, “If you don’t want a bleeding anus, then stay away from Brokeback Mountain. Oooh. That one’s going to get me fired”. To which I replied, “I told (Blank) about what you said and she wrote back with the following (Mary is the gay man that used to work in our department) ‘Mary said after a while it doesn’t hurt anymore’”. U2R came back with, “All right. I suggest we start a new email chain”.

Yeah, I got fired because of the video.

Letter to Pamela Anderson

Dear Pamela Anderson,

While part of me was sad to hear that you are no longer Mrs. Kid Rock, another part of me was happy, because I really need a sugar mommy who is willing to let me suckle from her metaphorical (and surgically enhanced) charity teets. But, before you start sending alimony checks, let me explain why I think our marriage could work.

We have a lot in common. We’re both top heavy. Your art film, “Barb Wire”, earned you a worst actress nomination from the Razzies. My art film, “You’re an Eight”, earned me a worst accountant nomination from my former employer. You believe that People should Ethically Treat Animals. I hardly ever kick the neighbor’s cat when she tries to pee in my kid’s sandbox.
I could literally go on forever. But, long lasting marriages aren’t just about commonalities; they’re also about working through differences. Kid Rock had the nerve to wait until after you were married to tell you that he liked to shoot deer and didn’t like Borat. I don’t blame you for filing for divorce. That’s about as irreconcilable as it gets.

The important thing is for me to learn from Kid’s mistakes. I’d like to be up front with you about our minor differences. I’m bottom heavy. You’re a vegetarian. I enjoy barbequed meats. You’re a sexy divorcee. I’m a fat, balding married guy. Nothing we can’t work through, but I thought it was important to be truthful upfront.

Despite our differences, I am committed to our relationship as long as you continue to send me support checks. And who knows, if things go well, I may be able to fulfill my boyhood dream of contracting Hepatitis C.

Thanks,
Matt

Book Signing Cancelled

Craig and I were forced to cancel our book signing due to our inability to find a Sharpie. We’ll have to reschedule. To those inconvenienced, I offer this as consolation: I’ve decided to start feathering my hair.