Letter to Pamela Anderson

Dear Pamela Anderson,

While part of me was sad to hear that you are no longer Mrs. Kid Rock, another part of me was happy, because I really need a sugar mommy who is willing to let me suckle from her metaphorical (and surgically enhanced) charity teets. But, before you start sending alimony checks, let me explain why I think our marriage could work.

We have a lot in common. We’re both top heavy. Your art film, “Barb Wire”, earned you a worst actress nomination from the Razzies. My art film, “You’re an Eight”, earned me a worst accountant nomination from my former employer. You believe that People should Ethically Treat Animals. I hardly ever kick the neighbor’s cat when she tries to pee in my kid’s sandbox.
I could literally go on forever. But, long lasting marriages aren’t just about commonalities; they’re also about working through differences. Kid Rock had the nerve to wait until after you were married to tell you that he liked to shoot deer and didn’t like Borat. I don’t blame you for filing for divorce. That’s about as irreconcilable as it gets.

The important thing is for me to learn from Kid’s mistakes. I’d like to be up front with you about our minor differences. I’m bottom heavy. You’re a vegetarian. I enjoy barbequed meats. You’re a sexy divorcee. I’m a fat, balding married guy. Nothing we can’t work through, but I thought it was important to be truthful upfront.

Despite our differences, I am committed to our relationship as long as you continue to send me support checks. And who knows, if things go well, I may be able to fulfill my boyhood dream of contracting Hepatitis C.

Thanks,
Matt