Letter to Bob Barker

Dear Bob Barker,

You are an amazing human being. You’re 83 years old and will finally call it quits this spring after a 35 year run on “The Price is Right”. I think people get caught up in how many dinette sets you’ve given away and forget how much you’ve done for national security. While our government has crafted an ingenious plan to build a border fence to control our illegal immigrant population, nothing is being done to fill the void that will be left when you stop reminding Americans to help control the pet population. It’s as though our government plans to just cross its fingers and hope that Howie Mandel starts telling people to spay and neuter their pets. I hope and pray that you are able to find a worthy successor before domesticated animals take over our country.

Just because you need someone to take over your day-to-day campaign against animal ovaries, that doesn’t mean you’ll cease to make a difference. In fact, you recently pledged $300,000 so that an elephant could move from the harsh conditions of the LA Zoo and into an animal sanctuary. The zoo received a lot of negative publicity this summer when animal activists were up in arms over the tragic death of a 45-year-old elephant. I remember reading the obituary and learning that the average life expectancy of an elephant is 42 years. That’s right…conditions at the zoo are so bad that they actually added three years to the life of a fat, dumb animal.

I’m writing today to see if you’d be willing to pledge $300,000 to put another fat dumb, animal into retirement. Sponsoring me would do a lot to silence your critics who unfairly ask, “What do you have against humans?” Sure, $300k would have gone a long way to help families in need this holiday season, but at least one geriatric elephant gets to spend his golden years in an overpriced retirement villa. With your help, I’d like to join him.

Thanks,
Matt