Letter to Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston

Would America still have elected W if they had known he’d pick “Brownie” to head FEMA and nominate Harriet Miers as a Supreme Court Justice? Would Clinton have lost votes if we had been forewarned that he’d make Monica Lewinsky the Secretary of the Interior (of his pants)? I don’t think voters should cast a ballot for me without knowing the caliber of people that I’ll have in my cabinet. I hope to appoint Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston as my co-Secretaries of Family Values. I’ve written the letter below in hopes that they’ll help me make America a better place.

Dear Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown,

I never thought the day would come when Bobby would be singing “Mr. Telephone Man” about Whitney. If the marriage of the June and Ward Cleaver of R&B fails, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Searching for answers, I painstakingly researched your lives for five minutes on Wikipedia and was sickened by the way the liberal media has unfairly characterized Bobby as a drug-loving felon. I mean, come on, who hasn’t urinated on the car of a spouse’s ex? And if you settled out of court with the underage prostitute you raped, how is that news? Multiple arrests. Multiple positive tests for cocaine. Been there, done that. But, because the media chooses to shine its spotlight on you, these types of mundane events are seen as “criminal”.

All the negative attention Bobby received was understandably hard on Whitney. While the media shamelessly portrayed Bobby as a thug, Whitney stood by her man, selflessly putting her career on hold while supporting Bobby by taking interest in some of his hobbies, like smoking crack. Your life was a fairy tale, bringing Whitney’s hit “The Greatest Love of All” to life. I can’t remember the exact lyrics, but I think it went something like this, “No matter what they take from me they can't take away my dignity because the greatest love of all is illustrated by these pictures of my crack den”.

After all you’ve gone through together, it pains me that, after 14 years of marital bliss, you are letting the media break up your rock solid marriage. Now more than ever we need celebrity couples to make it so that we don’t lose our belief in the institution of marriage. As you probably know, I’m running for President. I hope I can give you the proper incentive to give it another go. If you two can smoke a peace pipe and get back together, I’d like to appoint you to the position of co-Secretaries of Family Values. The positions shouldn’t be too demanding and would count against the community service time Bobby needs to work off. If your recreational activities don’t allow you the time to put together curriculum to teach kids about the importance of marriage, just show them a few clips from the Desperate HouseMILFs of Wisteria Lane and America will be one step closer to reclaiming the family values on which our nation was built.

Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder