Letter to Patrick Swayze

Dear Patrick Swayze,

Tonight at the video store my two-year-old son grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of the video he wanted. The title? “Another Gay Movie”. Talking about the man on the cover, who was wearing nothing but a quiche, my boy said, “Brrr”. I was so disappointed…that you weren’t the object of his affection.

I picked him up and frantically ran around the store trying to find “Ghost”. I felt it was important to let him know that he hadn’t seen gay until he’d seen you doing pottery wearing nothing but a mullet. Your masterpiece of cinema was nowhere to be found, so I settled for “Road House 2”. But, you weren’t in it. What the hell?

Your turn as James Dalton (head bouncer of the Double Deuce club) brought in thousands of dollars. Why on earth did you turn the Road House franchise over to Jonathon Schaech? “Road House 2” could have been another “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights”, but instead it went to straight to video.

I beg you not to make the same mistake with “Black Dog”, the greatest trucker movie of all time. Will there ever be a cast as great? You, Randy Travis and Meat Loaf in the same movie…incredible. Trying to do a sequel has proven impossible due to the salary requirements of your A-list co-stars. Craig and I would be glad to fill in at a reduced salary just to be near you. This idea might sound crazy, but remember, “Black Dog” distributor Universal greenlighted a shot-for-shot remake of "Psycho".

Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder

P. S. I just listened to your smash hit “She’s Like the Wind” and realized that it’s the perfect soundtrack for this letter if I sing it to you with slightly altered lyrics…

Feel his breath on my face
His body close to me
Can't look in his eyes
He's out of my league
Just a fool to believe I have anything he needs
He's like the wind

I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That he'll stop the pain
Living without him I'd go insane