Letter to Paris Hilton

Dear Paris Hilton,

In September, after a long day of “work”, you were drinking “one margarita” at a charity event when you like totally realized that you hadn’t eaten anything all day. Knowing that millions of young girls with eating disorders look to you as their role model, you immediately hopped in your car and courageously drove towards In-N-Out burger. The importance of your mission should have warranted a presidential motorcade or at the very least a police escort. Instead the police had the nerve to escort you to jail. One minute, you’re drinking a margarita for charity and the next thing you know you’re charged with DUI. How is that fair?

Last month you plead no contest to the charges, were sentenced to probation and had your license suspended. Earlier this week, you were ticketed for driving on your suspended license. Understandably, you immediately called your lawyer to ask if your license had been suspended. How could you possibly be expected to remember that you weren’t allowed to drive? That sentence came down almost 5 weeks ago. If your probation is revoked, you’re looking at the possibility of a 90-day jail sentence.

Oh man would that be great. I can only hope that your sentence is delayed until after I become President. I'll preempt the crap that they normally show on C-Span and C-Span 2 with a live reality show about your stay in prison. On your show, “The Simple Life”, you lasted like 10 minutes when they made you work at Sonic. I’m sure you’ll do great picking up trash along the highway. Best of luck making friends in the big house.

Thanks,
Matt