You're an Eight Update 3

My saga to receive hush money from my company for my office’s urinal code non-compliance continues. Here is a follow up email exchange with my lawyer.

Lawyer,

I invested some of the company’s time on Friday to measure the urinals in the 10 men’s rooms in our building. I only have results for 9 out of the 10, because I’m really not allowed on the 10th floor. It’s for our executives. I gave it a good try, but the industrial size tape measure bulging out of my pocket must have aroused suspicion, because I was followed into the men’s room. I panicked and pump faked towards the urinals only to turn around, wash my hands and leave.

All that to say, I think you’re right about the code being different when the building was built, because the nine urinals that I measured were 24 inches apart. But, damnit, I feel it is my duty to fight on behalf of all men who dream of urinating without the threat of being touched by another man.

So, today I continued my research. The best I can tell, this building was built in 1973. Oddly enough, I can’t seem to find a website dedicated to historical urinal code. Perhaps that’s the future of Two Hit Wonder dot com. But, maybe finding out what the urinal code was in 1973 will be irrelevant.

This link says, “Older buildings are ‘grand-fathered’ as code is updated; that is an older building must abide by the applicable toilet codes at the time the build permit was issued.” However, it goes on to say, “‘change of use’ or ‘change of occupancy’ will trigger the need for a new building permit and compliance with current code”.

The building was formerly owned by our parent company, but we spun off from them this summer and we now own the building. If that constitutes a “change of occupancy” or “change of use” then compliance to the current code would be required.

Another requirement I found is that there should be 15 inches between the center of a urinal and any side wall or partition. Our buildings urinals are at least a couple inches too close to the walls as well.

I’d like to make this the defining case in the long history of urinal legislation. I’d like to see Atkinson and Urinal go together like Roe and Wade. Let me know if you think we have a case, otherwise please refer me to a another high-powered lawyer that specializes in pee-pee law. Maybe I should try that guy on the back of the phone book who’s a lawyer and a doctor.

Thanks,
Matt

**Evidently my lawyer was too busy with legitamate cases so I followed up the email above with this one…

Lawyer,

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that my second lengthy email regarding the urinal issue moved me from your “mildly amusing” file to your “he’s on crack/quit bugging me” file. Let me know if I’m reading that right, because if there’s no money to be won, I’m going to go ahead and move forward with notifying the city to see if they’ll do anything. To paraphrase the Beastie Boys, “I’ve got to fight for my right to Potty”.

Thanks,
Matt

Matt,

Well, your second email is still in my in box. I have been traveling a lot so I am having a hard time getting to things. I am not expert in this type of law. I know you're not serious about this, but if you were, I'd recommend contacting an another attorney.

Who knows where you will get with the city.

Lawyer