You're an Eight Update 5

I’m tired of living in fear. I cringe every time the bathroom door opens while I’m standing at the urinal in my office restroom. But, I have a dream. A dream that one day little white accountants won’t have to hold hands with the other little white accountants while trying to tinkle. I have a dream. A dream that one day my office’s urinals will be 30 inches apart…with privacy partitions.

But, no one seems to care about my dreams. My lawyer had better things to do. The city plumbing code administrator may as well have told me “if you don’t like it, pee in the sink”. So, as a last resort, I turned to my office’s building manager and had this email exchange…

Building Manager,

I have a problem with how close together the urinals are in the men’s rooms in this building. The other day I had an uncomfortable experience, when another employee inadvertently (I assume) brushed up against me while we were standing next to each other at the urinals.

So, I researched urinal code and I have to tell you, it is a fascinating topic. I learned that current code requires 30 inches center to center with a privacy partition. I also learned that since this building was built in 1973 and the code was different back then, it’s not required that the building be brought up to current code, but it sure would be nice to have a reasonable amount of space to feel comfortable. Every time I go into the restroom, I’m worried that someone is going to bump into me again. Is there any way the urinal spacing could be improved?

Thanks,
Matt

His response implied that a restroom remodel would not be happening anytime soon.

This is getting ridiculous. But, where do I turn?

If it weren’t so pale, the NAACP would have my back. But, there’s no National Association for the Advancement of Norwegian People.

If I was born without a member, I wouldn’t have this problem, but at least I’d be eligible to be a member of the National Organization for Women. I searched for a National Association for Dudes, but there’s no such group. (At least it didn’t come up when I googled “NADS”).

Tom Bosley would tell me “don’t get mad, get GLAAD”. But, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation wouldn’t help me because I like girls. Besides, they’re too busy fighting for George Michael’s right to continue smoking (dudes) in the boys’ room.

If I were a dying kid, I’d have the Make a Wish Foundation. But, nobody seems to care about the wishes of a 34 year-old fat, white guy.

Sane people would probably let the issue go at this point. But, sanity is overrated. I was going to wait to play the insanity card, because I had been holding out hope that my large cash settlement in this case would hinge on proving that getting bumped in the men’s room has made me crazy. I’ve since realized that there would be too many witnesses that could definitively say that my insanity was a pre-existing condition. At this point, I’ll take any help I can get. Dear Association of People with (Mental) Disabilities…