Best Offer for Super Bowl Ad

Tragically, our Ebay ad ended without a winner. The good news is, our commercial talent still exists and can be all yours for $400k. So far, only Justin has come close to our asking price...

2HW,
I have a position available installing siding, It would be televised semi-locally and pay in tuna sandwiches (2 a piece, don’t try your masters of negotiating stuff with me! Tuna is expensive these days)

Sincerely Yours,
Justin

Justin,

While installing siding is certainly hilarious (I’m pretty sure that’s how Ellen DeGeneres got her start), and 4 Tuna sandwiches (Ellen still prefers to be paid this way) is currently our best offer, we respectfully decline. We may be able to autograph the Tuna sandwiches and sell them on Ebay for $100k apiece, but we would rather not take that chance (or take the chance that we might tarnish our rugged, below-average looks).

Thank you for your support,
2HW

Ebay Ad: 2HW to Star in a Super Bowl Commercial

Below is an ad we ran on Ebay offering our commercial acting talents…

COMEDY DUO “TWO HIT WONDER” STARS IN YOUR SUPER BOWL AD
HELP 2HW GET THEIR 15 MINUTES! COME ON…IT’LL BE FUNNY!

What you ordinarily get when you pay $2.5 million for a Super Bowl commercial is 30 seconds of airtime to sell your wares to 100 million Americans. If you win this highly competitive auction, (and pay $2.5 million-ish for a commercial in next year’s Super Bowl) you’ll get more, but not very much more.

You are bidding on the services of Two Hit Wonder…pound-for-pound America’s fourth funniest lowbrow buddy comedy duo. Matt and Craig (the founders of two hit wonder dot com) will write, produce, direct, make each other up, and star in a commercial to be broadcast during next year’s Super Bowl. While the commercial itself will most likely not be very good, the publicity that will accompany this project could be worth hundreds of dollars.

High budget commercials that involve ad agencies, high-paid actors, directors, etc. are quickly forgotten. But, people will remember and talk about the Super Bowl commercial that looked like it was shot with a Cannon VHS camcorder in Craig’s basement.

We will spend the months leading up to the Super Bowl filming a documentary about our endeavor. This documentary will prominently feature your product and is tentatively titled “Super Size Me II”. (Note: After viewing our documentary, people will be more enthusiastic about your product than they were about McDonald’s after watching the original “Super Size Me”.)

We are slightly more provocative and slightly heavier than celebrated documentarian Michael Moore. Like Moore, we are willing to become a lightning rod of controversy in order to get America to talk about important issues such as which light beer they should drink and/or if their razor is sharp enough.

Some facts about Two Hit Wonder:
• We are simply resistible.
• We have rugged, below-average looks.
• What we lack in pretty, we make up for in funny.

Some natural product fits:
• Victoria’s Secret’s Plus-Size Men’s Underpants
• Weight Loss
• Hair Gain
• Black n Mild Cigarettes

Other Terms and Conditions:
• If you would like us to provide references that can attest to our talent, please do not bid.
• If you’re just a weird rich guy who has been otherwise unable to lure men into his mansion for “backrub night”, please see Craig’s other auction.
• If you like Piña Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, there’s very little we can do for you.
• We will cancel all other advertising contracts on our website and promote your product exclusively through the end of Super Bowl XLI. (Some days our site gets more than 4 hits)
• This unique opportunity will only be available as many times as Ebay lets us run this ad.
• The number of auctions available will be limited to the number of companies willing to pay $400k for our services.
• In the unlikely event that the winner of this auction provides a good or service that we don’t feel comfortable endorsing, we reserve the right to affix temporary tattoos of your logo on the foreheads of our children instead of putting the work into a Super Bowl quality commercial.
• For more details please visit www.twohitwonder.com (Note: Our website’s look has been compared to a junior high school computer science project gone bad, but that’s not fair…to junior high computer scientists.) Since Ebay has yet to launch its “Super Bowl Ad Talent” section, it’s entirely possible that this ad will not be seen by the right people. Please make the world a better place by forwarding the link to this ad to everyone in your contacts list. We hope this becomes the first chain email/pyramid scheme where everyone wins…especially us.

Thank you,
2HW

Letter to VH1

Dear Brett,

You were listed as the contact on the press release that announced the promotion of Michael Hirschorn to Executive Vice President, Original Programming and Production for VH1
Please send Mr. Hirschorn a press release announcing that Two Hit Wonder (pound-for-pound America’s fourth funniest low-brow buddy comedy duo) is ready for a promotion from web phenomenon to stars of VH1 original programming.

Key talking points should include:
· We are a fatter, whiter, less funny version of Flavor Flav.
· We see ourselves as the headliners for the new network, VH1: Miami (but will gladly settle for an overnight slot on the LOGO network).
· We’d like be the stars of the first “Behind the Music” to be aired prior to stardom (and prior to us learning to play instruments and sing).
· I recently had lunch near Joel Stein, who said that he doesn’t get paid for his “I Love the Such and Such” appearances. If that’s the case, we would love to volunteer to appear on the show, provided that time served counts towards our community service obligations.
· We will be the stars of a commercial in next year’s Super Bowl (pending the purchase of our Ebay auction). Doing a show that documents the making of that commercial would be nearly as funny as Ricky Martin’s appearance on “I Love Toys”.

Thanks,
Matt of 2HW

P.S. We have attached our logo/headshots to expedite our stardom.

Letter to the Yellow Pages

Dear Yellow Pages,

Good thinking running commercials during the Super Bowl to tell people to use the phone book. I never would have thought of that if you hadn’t paid $5 million to make me watch dancing plummers and clowns acting out the fight scene from “Anchorman”.

Thanks,
2HW

Letter to Bud Light Whassup Guys

Dear Bud Light Whassup Guys,

Six years ago, you guys were on top of the world after Super Bowl Double XL. The next day, water cooler idiots everywhere were spitting on their co-workers while screaming, “Whassssssaaaaaauup”.

You have had the careers that 2HW dreams of. We long to have two hits, play in the Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tournament, and end up the subject of a VH1 “What the hell happened to 2HW?” special.

We’ve been working on a catch phrase like “Whassup?”, but have yet to improve upon our original idea, “No, seriously, do you know who your Daddy is?” Any assistance you could give us would be greatly appreciated.

And if things go well, we promise to put in a good word for you with HR for the 2HW life coach position. That James Frey is a flake and has backed out of our non-binding one-way verbal agreement to life coach us.

Thanks,
2HW

Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Looking back, it was probably a mistake that Craig and I turned down MTV’s offer to star in our own reality TV show. But, gay cowboys had not been invented yet, so we felt that “Newlyweds” would have sent the wrong message to our fans. Our loss was your gain as “Newlyweds” became a mediocre hit. All of America watched you bring home the bacon while Nick watched football. That was great TV.

America wants more. Just because the show was cancelled and you and Nick are divorcing does not mean America should suffer too. Craig and I have agreed to take on the role of the Nick character and shooting of a fourth season of Newlyweds will begin as soon as you give the project the green light.

Admittedly, we have only agreed to this project to get close to you. You have what we want. No, not the breasts…we are mammorific as it is. What we’re after is a starring role in a commercial in next year’s Super Bowl. Granted, your Pizza Hut Super Bowl spot was not clever or family friendly, but on the bright side you made $800k and got to work with a talent like Miss Piggy. We would like you to tutor us on our road to Super Bowl XXL. We would like America to watch. Will you marry us Jessica? Mrs. Two Hit Wonder has a nice ring to it.

If you’re not interested please pass this note on to the former Mr. Jessica Simpson during your upcoming asset hearing…“Dear Nick Lachey,We are putting the finishing touches on a big screen adaptation of Tony Danza’s classic sitcom “Who’s The Boss?” It seems like you’d be a natural for the “not the boss” role.

Thanks,
2HW

Letter to Dove Self-Esteem Fund

Dear Dove Self-Esteem Fund,

Some girls really are fat and/or ugly. 2 out of 2 wonders have been described that way as well. I’d be interested to know more about your cult. Are you lying to the girls or do you use trick mirrors?

Slim Fast paid $1.25M for 15 seconds of Super Bowl ad time trying to convince fat people that Slim Fast could help. They’ve really got their work cut out for them if you’re telling fat girls they aren’t fat.

Millions more were paid by beer makers to convince ugly girls that beer is the answer. Now, you’re telling them that inward beauty is where it’s at.

And why is this fund exclusively for girls? What about fat/ugly boys? I bet millions of tubby little wiener boys screamed at their television sets, “I can’t get Self-Esteem just because I have a penis?!!!!!!”

Well, at 2HW thick is in and ugly is the new pretty. We don’t plan to offer Self-Esteem in our suite of products, but we will gladly call an ugly person ugly and a fat person fat. They need role models too, and I dare say there are very few other celebrities that have 2HW’s rare combination of fat and ugly.

Thanks,
Matt

P.S. We are now accepting Dove Fund dropouts and will honor competitor’s coupons.