Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Looking back, it was probably a mistake that Craig and I turned down MTV’s offer to star in our own reality TV show. But, gay cowboys had not been invented yet, so we felt that “Newlyweds” would have sent the wrong message to our fans. Our loss was your gain as “Newlyweds” became a mediocre hit. All of America watched you bring home the bacon while Nick watched football. That was great TV.

America wants more. Just because the show was cancelled and you and Nick are divorcing does not mean America should suffer too. Craig and I have agreed to take on the role of the Nick character and shooting of a fourth season of Newlyweds will begin as soon as you give the project the green light.

Admittedly, we have only agreed to this project to get close to you. You have what we want. No, not the breasts…we are mammorific as it is. What we’re after is a starring role in a commercial in next year’s Super Bowl. Granted, your Pizza Hut Super Bowl spot was not clever or family friendly, but on the bright side you made $800k and got to work with a talent like Miss Piggy. We would like you to tutor us on our road to Super Bowl XXL. We would like America to watch. Will you marry us Jessica? Mrs. Two Hit Wonder has a nice ring to it.

If you’re not interested please pass this note on to the former Mr. Jessica Simpson during your upcoming asset hearing…“Dear Nick Lachey,We are putting the finishing touches on a big screen adaptation of Tony Danza’s classic sitcom “Who’s The Boss?” It seems like you’d be a natural for the “not the boss” role.

Thanks,
2HW