Letter to Dove Self-Esteem Fund

Dear Dove Self-Esteem Fund,

Some girls really are fat and/or ugly. 2 out of 2 wonders have been described that way as well. I’d be interested to know more about your cult. Are you lying to the girls or do you use trick mirrors?

Slim Fast paid $1.25M for 15 seconds of Super Bowl ad time trying to convince fat people that Slim Fast could help. They’ve really got their work cut out for them if you’re telling fat girls they aren’t fat.

Millions more were paid by beer makers to convince ugly girls that beer is the answer. Now, you’re telling them that inward beauty is where it’s at.

And why is this fund exclusively for girls? What about fat/ugly boys? I bet millions of tubby little wiener boys screamed at their television sets, “I can’t get Self-Esteem just because I have a penis?!!!!!!”

Well, at 2HW thick is in and ugly is the new pretty. We don’t plan to offer Self-Esteem in our suite of products, but we will gladly call an ugly person ugly and a fat person fat. They need role models too, and I dare say there are very few other celebrities that have 2HW’s rare combination of fat and ugly.

Thanks,
Matt

P.S. We are now accepting Dove Fund dropouts and will honor competitor’s coupons.