“Just remember…you’re the one thing…I can’t get enough of…so I’ll tell you something…this could be love…because I had the time of my life and I’ve never felt this way before…yes I swear…it’s the truth and I owe it all to you…ooo…ooo.” What if I told you that a song from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack truly summed up how I felt about watching tonight’s episode of American Idol? Before you call me a puss, I’d like to point out that David Hasselhoff himself broke down in tears at the conclusion of the show. I’m every bit as manly as Mitch Baywatch.
Tonight’s show had it all. 200 million viewers. A virtual who’s who from the music world. Comic bits that actually hit their mark and a refreshingly small dose of the three judges.
Idol has come a long way since its inception five years ago. Back then they would have been lucky to get Rick Astley to be a guest star. Tonight, I’m getting dizzy trying to remember all the guests. Just when you were wondering what they could do to put the exclamation point on an unbelievable show, the little purple man hit the stage.
The Artist was preceded by some of the fallen Idols performing with their idols. Chris did a song with his favorite band, “Live”. Paris lit it up with her idol, Al Jaroe. And of course Catherine got some stage time with her hero, Meatloaf. Huh? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about equal opportunities for fat ugly guys…in fact I know a couple of those types who are in desperate need of some affirmative action that promotes fatties on the buddy comedy circuit. But, Meatloaf and Catherine? Really? Beauty and the Loaf ended up being a good match because they are equally overdramatic.
Toni Braxton must have partied with Paula during the pre-game. She came out in a blaze of forgotten lyrics with liquor on her breath and a pint size dress that she must have swiped from Miss Abdul’s wardrobe. And her sassy moves either indicate that she’s doing a clinical research study for the female Viagra or she gets horny around the prematurely gray. It was the weirdest set of the night and it seemed to get cut short because of Braxton’s odd behavior.
Another huge star popped out to sing with Elliott…Mary J. Bliege. The performance was great, but it looked like Mary J. didn’t enjoy sharing the stage with the E train when she made a premature exit at the song’s conclusion.
Burt Bacharach had no problem giving the spotlight to the young Idols. He has had an unbelievable career composing music…winning both Academy and Grammy Awards. But, tonight, he was content to play piano for the kids…and psychic, Dion Warwick.
The awards were actually kind of funny. That was a great way to replay some of the forgotten moments that came early in the season. I can’t get enough of the girl who doesn’t know when to stop the eff bombs any more than she knows how to pick out a dress with enough fabric to cover her ample body. And just when you were thinking you’d heard the last of the Brokeback Mountain jokes, the Brokenote Cowboys found their way on to the Idol stage.
Another great moment came when a Clay Aiken impersonator actually shared the stage with his gay idol, Aiken himself. Clay wasn’t really into doing a duet with his untalented doppelganger, but showed off his voice and his new skater haircut.
That’s enough. I don’t even feel like editing this or making it into a workable article. But, I want to close it out by saying…it’s on. I’ve been inspired. Elliott’s quote from last week, “I always knew what I wanted to do, I just didnt know how to get there”, really struck a chord with me. I’ve always known I wanted to write, but still don’t know how to make money doing it. Then, tonight, watching Taylor fulfill his dream and close the season with “Do I make you proud?” made me desire to have that type of moment. I’ve only been an accountant for a couple of weeks, but I’m guessing there’s no such moment in the world of accounting. But, dammit, I’m going to keep writing till I make someone proud. Son-of-a bitch. I’m an Idol-loving sappy vagina of a man. Who cares? I am who I am. Brace yourself America…Two Hit Wonder is taking it up a notch.
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