Letter to Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

Do you remember where you were when you found out that your twin sister, Ann Landers, had died? I remember where I was…but only because it was two minutes ago when I Googled “Ann Landers dead”. I also found out that you stopped writing your column years ago due to declining health. America still has problems, but no one has stepped up to fill the void that you two quitters left when you decided to stop bossing people around in your weekly columns.

In 1956 you wrote a letter to the editor of the San Francisco Chronicle that said you could write a better advice column than the one currently appearing in that paper. 50 years later I’m writing you a letter to tell you that 2HW could advise circles around you (and your sister). Starting at the conclusion of this letter 2HW’s advice section is open for business.

Bring it on,
Matt on behalf of 2HW

Matt and Craig have decided that it’s time to give back to their loyal readers by imparting advice based on the knowledge they’ve gained from over 3 decades of screwing up their own lives. Please detail all of your life’s problems in an email to mail at twohitwonder dot com If you don’t request our advice, we will be forced to give unsolicited advice to the people we feel need it most.

Disclaimer: Craig and Matt are technically not licensed therapists, so there will be no client-patient confidentialy agreements. Your privacy is the least of our concerns. Bossing you around is what’s important to us.

Dear 2HW,

I have recently decided to use my lack of talent and good looks to my advantage and try to get paid by latching on to other people’s success. I have no skills whatsoever but I can write in complete sentences so I am proud to announce the formation of my website, Three Hit Wonder dot com. I realized that since there is already a one hit wonder and a two hit wonder then a Three Hit Wonder has to be even better. I also believe facial hair should be an important theme to my website. What advice can you give me in my current adventure?

Thanks,
Clint O
FounderThree Hit Wonder dot com

2HW ADVICE:On one hand, you are to be applauded for being the first person to ask for advice since we started our new advice column. On the other hand, what in the world is wrong with you that you would be asking for advice from us? That is just pathetic.

Here’s our advice…first contact Mansour (featured in Craig’s blog) about purchasing the rights to 3HW dot com. I just tried to look up three hit wonder dot com and mistyped it “threetitwonder”. Good Lord, that is not a mistake that you want your future fans to make. That site is just plain weird…definitely a case where your “three is better than two” theory is disproven.

Next, you mention that facial hair should be an important theme to your site. Be very careful here. There are tons of sole patch, reverse moustache, handlebar and sideburns websites. If you pursue one of those as your theme, you will get lost in the shuffle. A quality moustache-only website like 2HW is extremely hard to find and it’s very easy to screw up. Focus on the moustache. Be the moustache. But, first, grow a moustache. Finally, hairnets. Since we recently started wearing hairnets our site has experienced exponential growth.

Best of luck with 3HW.