Vegas Recap Part 1

2HW had grand plans for Vegas week. We planned to film a full season of the Two Hit Wonder Show, an episode of Last Wonder Standing, and Lord willing get a gig as the overnight lounge act at second rate off strip property. We dreamed of seeing our names in lights, our faces on billboards, and talk of the Fat Pack buzzing all around town. Instead we had to settle for a free Prime Rib dinner for two, which somehow cost us $350…they really need to learn how to treat celebrities in Vegas.

We left for Vegas on Wednesday. The Monday before, I got the stomach flu. That was awesome. As an unmedicated sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome, I know my way around a toilet, but this was painful. I’ll leave out the details, but I was still not feeling 100% on Wednesday morning. But, Vegas is a great place to go coming off the stomach flu…all you can eat buffets, free drinks and tons of noise and smoke are the perfect antidote for the flu. I sucked it up and by the time my plane touched down I was ready to go.

We checked in to the fabulous Gold Coast Hotel, Casino and Bowling Alley. The quality of the rooms could be described as “second to many”. It may not be nice, but at least it’s a mile off the Strip. Everything about the hotel was outdated, even the maid service. For whatever reason, they wouldn’t leave us a new bar of soap in the morning. When you have the combined body surface area of Craig and I and need at least two showers a day from excess exposure to “dry” heat, you’re going to need more than one bar to share over the course of a four day stay. Craig called down to get some soap. A short time later the lady came and delivered shampoo and lotion. “I appreciate it, but we just need soap,” Craig said. The lady went on a tirade about what they told her to bring and that she didn’t have any soap and it would probably take quite a while because she didn’t have it and had a lot of other things to do. Most five star hotels teach their maids to argue with guests as much as possible and only give out extra soap if the guest puts up enough of a fight.

Our first night we walked past Wil Wheaton, who I recognized more for his work for Poker Stars online poker room rather than his gutsy portrayal of Gordie in “Stand By Me”. There were a couple of other Poker Stars types with him who I did not recognize, until I happened upon this blog entry (dead link deleted) from “Otis” the official blogger of Poker Stars. It was really weird to be an uncredited background character in a blog, so I sent him this letter…

“For no apparent reason, my fat friend Craig and I intentionally decided to stay at the Gold Coast. If you thought the Casino area and Steak and Egg café were bad, you should have seen our room, especially the freaking shower. It may have been dirty, but by the time you were done showering you couldn’t tell due to the ankle deep standing water…Nothing like cleaning up while standing in a cesspool of your own filth.

We had wrapped a killer $100NL session in the Gold Coast’s several table “poker room”, and passed you guys on the way to a Pai Gow session of our own. I recognized Wil, but wasn’t familiar with any of the other Up For Faces. (Wardrobe note: Whenever we go to Vegas our wives request that we grow horrific moustaches and dress like tourists, so as to not attract a female.)

Heavy C and I were sitting in Pai Gow heaven–kitty korner across the pit from you guys. I had my back to your table, as I had no intention of arousing Wil with my moustache, red polyester trousers, and lucky red shoes with gold buckles.

The pit boss came over to our table and excitedly showed us the autograph that Wil had just blessed her with. I think “Who the hell is Wil Wheaton?” was asked. “Star Trek” was mumbled, to which the sloppy drunk guy responded, “Was he Yoda?”

You really should have come back the following evening when the three aging Asian women known as the “lounge act” get the GC jumping. Everybody is yelling “Pai Gow” and slapping asses.

That’s enough, Good Lord…I didn’t mean to make a blog entry out of my response to your blog entry. But, did want to ensure that I get credited in the IMDB profile of that blog entry as “Creepy Tourist”. Craig and I are America’s 4th funniest low-brow buddy comedy duo, Two Hit Wonder. www.twohitwonder.com is a train wreck of poorly written drivel, with the look and feel of a junior high school computer science project gone horribly wrong. Congratulations, you are about to become a background character in Two Hit Wonder’s Las Vegas Recap.”

To be continued…