Vegas Recap Part 3

The last report left off with Bruce and Steve too concerned about getting to In and Out Burger to care about what might happen to their two fat, drunk friends alone in the big city. Granted, they were probably mad that we didn’t stock their room with a smelly, pirate transvestite hooker midget, but we tried our best. The Barbary Coast evidently does not go the extra mile to ensure total guest satisfaction, although I have to give them credit for creating an environment that made us very thirsty…and God bless them, they repeatedly satisfied our thirst. Craig told our waitress that he heard it was illegal to serve drinks to drunk people and that Two Hit Wonder planned to sue the Barbary Coast for the $360 we lost plus punitive damages. She just laughed and said, “Gin and Tonic?” (Note: It looks like the Barbary took Craig’s threat seriously…Today in the mail I got a coupon for two free nights and $50 in other assorted credits. Looks like the 2HW show is headed back to Vegas baby.)

The next day we woke up and found that Bruce and Steve had already left to play golf. I have nothing against golf, but this is freaking Vegas. Making matters worse, the course they chose to play was an hour and a half away. I mapquested it and it was conveniently located near the Colorado/Utah border. They explained that it was an incredible deal…it usually cost over $200 and they played for $50. Craig commented that he heard lift tickets at Vail were a lot cheaper in the summer months as well. Nothing like hitting Vegas and immediately wasting 8 hours…4 of which were spent outdoors exercising in the 110 degree heat.

Since Steve and Bruce lost their minds, Craig and I were again left to fend for ourselves. We gave Caesar’s Palace a shot, but Craig had flu-like symptoms (side note: flu-like symptoms is my favorite fake Major League baseball injury…Johnson is out with “flu-like symptoms” means that Johnson had trouble maintaining his balance during batting practice due in part to the bottle of Mad Dog that was superglued to his hand). Once we got to Caeasar’s, the nausea hit Craig and he felt like he needed some “fresh air”, but the lobby of the Wynn was too far away, so he had to settle for stepping outside into the stifling Vegas heat. He was quickly back in a cab to the Gold Coast (or more likely the “Thunder Down Under” all male dance revue).

I stuck around and played some No Limit Hold Em. The Caesar’s card room is nice and has a separate tourney room for people dumb enough (us) to pay $20 in juice on a $50 buy in tournament. My session was uneventful…no interesting hands, no interesting players. I scratched out a small win and went back to reunite Two Hit Wonder. But, Craig was still feeling under the weather, so we rested up till our female colleagues finished their little golf outing.
To go out that night, my moustache and I put on arguably my best outfit…a borrowed black and white checkered pantsuit/coverall/unitard and matching red velvet loafers with gold buckles. I could tell Craig still wasn’t quite right when he refused to put on his gay pirate shirt or polyester suit. We planned to meet Steve and Bruce in the lobby and were disappointed when they showed up in business casual attire. Come on ladies, you can book your Myrtle Beach vacation some other time. This is Vegas.

We all headed out to the best $4.99 steak dinner in Vegas…at Ellis Island. EI is even more of a dump than the Gold Coast. If our founding fathers had ruined the lives of Truck Stop Owners instead of Native Americans, we’d have casinos on interstates throughout the country based on the Ellis Island model. When we walked in, there was an old lady trucker playing the slots. She had a dress on that matched my pantsuit, but before we could get a picture, poof, she was gone. She was likely a mirage or some type of fashion superhero.

This episode is getting long and boring. That’s a wrap. More to come…