My wife has been out of town since Friday, allowing me the chance to burn my first three vacation days at my new job volunteering to write bad comedy on a seldom-read blog. After a weekend alone with the kids, I discovered that I might have been better at playing the role of fat, balding Accountant than I am at playing fat, balding single mother.
An out of shape ex-Accountant used to sitting at a desk all day proved to be no match for the miniature humans that live at my house. The kids were like tiny Billy Tae Bos, continually pushing me to do more reps. When it was clear I would not be able to keep up with their demands, the looks on their faces indicated that my approval rating was downward bound. So, I tried to win them back with large doses of sugar.
Donuts for breakfast gave way to a lollipop brunch and a buffet style Halloween candy lunch. The only legitimate food group that the kids didn’t throw at me was dairy. As a result our dinners were (in order) cheese pizza, cheese pizza, macaroni and cheese and grilled cheese. Hold on…those also fall into the bread/grain food group. I guess I’m still in the running for father of the year.
One night, my four-year-old daughter melted down at bedtime saying her “bobbin” hurt. I asked her what she thought was wrong with her bottom. She said, “I think it misses mommy”. My fat ass missed mommy too.
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