The Return of the 2HW Advice Column

Here’s an email I received from a man named Paul:

I am a big fan of 2HW. I read it daily. I noticed that you had an advice column and I was looking for some help with a personal problem. I work in corporate America and sit behind a computer all day. As a dedicated 2HW fan I have faithfully been dedicating about 85% of my time at work to surfing the internet and doodling on small pieces of paper. However, I’ve run out of things to look at on the Internet and I’m out of paper. What should I do? Should I work?

Big Fan,

I am impressed with your dedication to 2HW. You will certainly be in the running for fan of the year at the first annual 2HW awards show. I had nearly forgotten about my gift for telling others how to run (pronounced “ruin”) their life. And what better time for me to revive the column than when I literally have nothing better to do? Plus, most widely respected advisors are unemployed fat guys.

I can definitely sympathize with your difficult dilemma. You present a complex story problem, which is further complicated by your inclusion of a statistic. I’m going to assume that you spend 15% of your day working. If that’s correct, you work a little over an hour a day, which is equivalent to a short lunch break. That puts you right on the bubble of my maximum daily allowance of work. (If I had paid attention at my last job, I would have been able to put together a cool graph detailing acceptable work to non-work ratios.)

My advice: Quit your job. It’s not worth it. There are plenty of other jobs out there where you wouldn’t be expected to work so much. Have you thought of working for the government? Learn from the mistake I made…

One day, while sitting in my cube finding songs to download illegally off the music drive at work, I stumbled upon a little slice of heaven known as Tenacious D’s “Cosmic Shame”. It was as though Jack Black was speaking into my very soul when he said, “The message of the D is clear…Set the artist free. I’m saying quit your effing day job. And a lot of you are saying “Eff you Jack. I can’t quit my day job. I got kids to feed.” Eff the kids. I’m not saying eff them, but eff them. What do you think you’re doing them a favor? Effing working your day job putting them through school. How bout the effing guilt trip you subliminally give them because you didn’t follow your effing dreams? And now they’re effed up in different ways. Quit your day job. Focus on your craft.”

For the well being of my kids, I should have listened. Instead, somebody quit my job for me. Don’t let that happen to you. Listen to me as the voice of reason. Quit your day job. Focus on your craft. You love to doodle. You love the internet. Get yourself a doodle blog and start doodling the Internet.

If you don’t listen and keep your “real” job that’s fine…it’s your funeral. I do have a couple helpful tips for those who choose to work. First, I recommend that you acquire irritable bowel syndrome and intolerance for lactose. There is no feeling more rewarding than the one you get when you realize that you are getting paid to defecate. Second, memorize this quote and use it liberally, “I came in late and took a long lunch, so I’m going to go ahead and take off early.” Finally, you will get fired eventually and when you do, make sure it’s for something funny.

Matt