Letter to Britney Spears

Dear Britney Spears,

Partners are so overrated. You recently filed for divorce from K-Fed. Craig recently broke up with me. I understand your pain/really need someone to support my comedy habit. But, before you make me your next deadbeat husband, please allow me to point out how much we have in common.

I grew up in Kentwood, Michigan. You grew up in Kentwood, Louisiana, where you met Jason Alexander, who would later become your first husband. Drunkenly stumbling down the aisle together in Vegas wasn’t exactly a fairy tale Prince Charles and Lady Diana-esque affair, but who could have predicted that your blessed union would only last 55 hours? The press made fun of you, but I understand how you felt. I too had a relationship that lasted two days…in fifth grade. There was this girl in my class named Mary Whynott. All the boys would ask her, “Mary, will you marry me?” and when she said “no”, we’d say “Why not?” It was hilarious, until one day I asked her if she’d marry me and she said “yes”. Our brief engagement ended when she ran out of Valentine’s candy.

But, our similarities don’t stop there. You just had another baby; I look like I’m pregnant. You dress provocatively and have open mouth kissed Madonna. People open their mouths all the time when I show too much skin.

If you’re still not convinced that we’re perfect for each other, let me be clear that I’d be willing to give as well as take. Your parenting skills have been scrutinized. I have two kids of my own. I’d be glad to teach you how to buckle a car seat and safely carry your kids without dropping them on their heads.

I won’t even ask you to commit to a relationship without meeting me first. What do you say? Let’s go to Vegas, tie one on and then tie the knot.

Thanks,
Matt

P.S. I really think this could work. So much so that I’m willing to not sign a prenuptial agreement.