Letter to Axl Rose

Dear Axl Rose,

Your new and confused version of Guns n Roses recently cancelled a show in Maine when the local authorities informed you that you would not be allowed to drink on stage. What a freaking crock. I’m so tired of The Man telling victims like you and me what to do.

Your band spokesperson said that the fire marshals made it “impossible for the band to perform their show to the usual high standards that their fans deserve.” Everyone with a brain knows that drinking is crucial to high work standards. Back when I used to work, I never understood how I was supposed to solve complex accounting riddles without Jack Daniels’ help.

You continued to promote drinking in the workplace with this statement on your website, “I agree with, and ultimately take responsibility for, the end decision not to jeopardize the safety of the fans, the crews, the bands and myself as a result of the methods of these particularly draconian authorities” (the fire marshals). Canceling the show was such a brave step. You care enough for your fans to not put them at risk by making them listen to you do a show sober.
You’ve helped me realize that I’ve been screwing my fans by writing many of my blog entries without the assistance of alcohol. That stops today. I’m going to buy a Breathalyzer machine to ensure that I’m well over the legal limit before I write any future posts.

Thanks,
Matt

P.S. I think my website would sell a lot more copies if GNR did the soundtrack. Let’s set up some studio time for you to lay down some random, unintelligible tracks. I can’t pay in actual money, but if you bring your “talent”, I’ll make sure you and your boys don’t go thirsty.