Letter to Denise Richards

Dear Denise Richards,

You are a whole lot of woman. I’m a whole lot of man. You’ve acted in dozens of movies and TV shows and have millions of dollars to show for it. I starred in one video and not only did the project lose money, it also cost me my job. Our acting talent is pretty similar, so what makes our results so different? I’ve studied your work closely and I think I’ve figured it out. It’s bravery.

Last week while you were filming “Blonde and Blonder” (co-starring the equally talented Pamela Anderson), two members of the press stormed the set without permission. Some megastars would have let security handle such an issue, but you sprung into action like your “The World is Not Enough” co-star, Remington Steele. You grabbed not one, but two paparazzi laptops and flung them off the hotel balcony. Were it not for your quick thinking, not one, but two elderly women wouldn’t have been hit by those laptops while sitting in the hotel lobby.

Who cares about the health of two ladies who are probably about to die anyway? You knew it was more important to neutralize the paparazzi so that you and Pamela could continue your pursuit of your first Academy Awards. You’re smarter than you look. You might find this hard to believe, but I assure you I’m dumber than I look. How dumb am I? Craig gave me a floral Speedo as a parting gift when he quit the band. I planned to do a photo shoot with me wearing the Speedo to promote the website. But, you’ve helped me realize I’d be making a mistake if I did the shots alone. I’ve decided to purchase a matching Speedo for you and would love it if you would join me on location for the shoot. There’s bound to be paparazzi swarming around my Speedo and me and I’d like you to serve as my security detail.

Thanks,
Matt