Letter to Congressman

Yesterday, I posted a letter to people who make my life miserable via email. Today, I’m doing something about it. Tomorrow, the world will be a better place if you join my campaign by mailing the letter below to your congressman.

Dear Congressman,

I’m writing today to make you aware of a problem that is spiraling out of control in corporate America. Sarbanes-Oxley was put in place to protect American workers from another Enron-like debacle. Yet, there is currently nothing to protect us from a horrific problem that affects every single employee in Corporate America.

Before I get into the issue, I’d like to talk a little bit about hate crimes. I believe hate crimes often get negative press, because the victims don’t deserve to be hated. When simple minded Neanderthals decide to perform despicable acts based on a person’s skin color, religion or sexual orientation, there is absolutely no way to justify that type of behavior.

But, what if I told you the type of behavior I’m seeing every day in corporate America was so bad that it made hate crimes justifiable? As you’ve probably guessed, I’m speaking of the growing trend of people putting ridiculous quotes in their email auto-signatures. When someone ends an email using 18 point, italicized, turquoise font saying, “If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours,” they deserve to be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

Yet, the law does not yet protect me and other at-risk Corporate Americans from these types of nutjobs. People all over our great district are suffering at the hands of these people, who
feel it’s appropriate to close an email to a complete stranger with, “If you want to be a smart cookie, you can’t have a crumby attitude,” or…
Together
Everyone
Accomplishes
More

These people must be stopped.

I’d love to do it myself, but if I learned anything from Judge Wapner, it’s that I shouldn’t take the law into my own hands. Plus, I’m an Accountant with no Capitol Hill knowledge outside of that cute little cartoon Bill who wanted to be turned into a law. So, I’d like you to draft up a cute little bill that would legalize hate crimes against those who choose to send these types of emails.

For simplicity’s sake and because everything in Corporate America has an acronym, I’ve come with a word to identify these people…QUEERs. That’s an acronym for QUoters who send Exasperating Emails Regularly.

I understand that you might at first be hesitant to sponsor a bill legalizing hate crimes against QUEERs, because to some that might be offensive. So, let me redefine the term “hate crime”. (As soon as I post my definition on Wikipedia.org, it will be universally accepted as fact.) In no way am I saying you should endorse groups that set fire to these people’s cubicles or spray paint “Stay Home QUEERs” on their desks. The type of hate crime that I’m picturing is something equivalent to the opposite of the National Do Not Call list (which protects Americans from unwanted calls from telemarketers). Hate crimes against QUEERs would involve turning over QUEER’s email addresses to every possible type of mass email list. QUEERs would be SPAMed until they are rendered useless…their entire day would be spent deleting the millions of emails they would receive.

It seems like a simple solution to a massive problem, but I can’t do it without your help. While you’re working on drafting the bill, I’ll start a volunteer group to administrate this non-partisan grassroots campaign. It’ll be called I’ll Rally Against QUEERs. Please do your part in the fight against QUEERs by changing your auto-signature to look like the one below…

Thanks,
Matt

Proud Supporter of
I’ll
Rally
Against
QUEERs