Popcorn Update

I should have never started this section. I feel like I know too much. My life could be in danger. I don’t know how John Stossel does it. In a previous post, I mentioned our inability to pop popcorn in our building due to it being against the fire code. Now, the truth…

Email from Blank to our Building Facilities Manager:

BFM,

Do you have any idea where we can pop popcorn in this building? Never heard the fire code problem before I came here; was hoping it was to do with the wattage on our microwave or something; does there happen to be one in this building on another floor that allows popcorn to be popped? Also is there a toaster anywhere?

Blank

Response:

Blank,

The real reason we do not pop popcorn in the building is due to the fact that we have had to evacuate the building too many times because people would put the popcorn in the microwaves unattended and the popcorn would burn and set off the fire alarms. It happened way too many times.

I might suggest that you pop your popcorn at home and bring it to work.

BFM

Oh my gato. I wish this were a joke. That’s the real response. Facilities took the time and effort to print up phony fire code signs on every floor of our 10-story building. And yet, they freely admit that the signs aren’t real, but still try to force us to follow the made-up popcorn law by encouraging us to pop popcorn at home.

I may have the exact same microwave at home, but any fires I start there don’t burden the Facilities Team with unnecessary work. Plus, who doesn’t love room temperature day-old Orville Redenbacher’s?

You might find it hard to believe that overmicrowaving popcorn to the point of setting off a fire alarm could happen once, let alone “way too many times”. If so, you’ve never worked in corporate America.

I can think of several people in my group who could pull it off. Our company might be capable of showing a profit if it weren’t staffed with people who not only lack the ability to accurately program a microwave, but also don’t have the attention span to sit through 3 minutes of popping.

I knew a guy in college who forced the evacuation of his entire dorm when he microwaved his feces for 15 minutes. And not even he is dumb enough to take a job in corporate America.
Meanwhile, popcorn continues to be sold in every vending machine, tempting my moronic co-workers to burn down our building.