This is not working

I don’t bother answering my phone at work. People that call me like to work, while I prefer not to. I’ve found that when I let the call go to voicemail, the caller ends up leaving a message that I don’t have to listen to. If I’m slow to respond, they’ll likely find someone else who likes to work. I see myself as the Chuck Woolery of Accounts Payable. I help make love connections between freaks who enjoy Accounting.

I like to think that I don’t work for the good of the company. After all, I’m only pretending to be an accountant. If I try to answer questions and guess wrong, I’m liable to set off a chain reaction that could bring down the entire company.

My degree in English Literature may not qualify me to prescribe antidotes to serious accounting issues, but, it does enable me to write meaningless filler material on the document that summarizes my yearly accomplishments. For example, many people would see not answering my phone as a negative. I’ve clearly explained why that’s not the case, but I can’t be as blunt as I’ve been above for my year-end review. Instead I’ll say, “I have driven efficiency by streamlining the information pipeline”.