The unthinkable has happened. Matt became an accountant this morning.
We’ve spent most of the day in one or more of the following states: denial, anger, bargaining, inebriation and depression. We expect to remain in one of those states until we are saved. We will not accept this. Accountants are not funny. Wonders are.
You never think something like this is going to happen to you or someone you love. But, now that you (the fan) have seen this type of tragedy first hand, you’re probably wondering what you can do. There is a simple way for you to help. If you currently have an “awareness” ribbon or bumper sticker, please take a minute to cross out “breast cancer”, “AIDS”, or “lupus” and replace it with “2HW”. If possible, please write “2HW Accounting Awareness”, our website address, the link to the Save a Wonder Foundation donation button and our home phone numbers. Thank you for your support.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 8...Letter to Jessica Simpson
Dear Jessica Simpson,
Your mom claims that your IQ is north of 160, which would make you intellectual equals with Einstein and Bill Gates. Smart people follow the lead of successful people and become successful themselves. You are not smart. You are a genius. You are not satisfied with merely following the lead of other stars. You outshine them.
Anyone could have played a Harvard Law student like Reese Witherspoon did in “Legally Blonde”. But, it took someone of your considerable talent to outsmart old Boss Hogg while wearing hot pants. Reese went on to portray Johnny Cash’s wife in such convincing fashion that she won an Academy Award. But, how easy was that? You’re much more willing to challenge yourself. You too chose to play a musician’s wife for your next role. And will have the Academy begging for more when they see your turn as Pamela Anderson’s character, CJ Parker, in the big screen adaptation of “Baywatch”.
Angelina Jolie is also an Oscar winner, but does not limit herself to excellence onscreen. You’re quoted as saying that she has done “amazing, amazing things”. Brad Pitt has said that too, and for the sake of argument, let’s assume that you were both talking about the two orphaned kids that Angelina adopted. But, anything she can do you can do better. Reports surfaced last week that you plan to buy a Mexican orphanage. Bravo! Why settle for two puppies when you can buy the whole pet store?
Angelina and I are in currently in talks (and by “talks” I mean I wrote a letter and hope that she reads it) to make her my foster parent. I urge you to continue your one upsmanship and adopt both Craig and me. If I don’t find a benefactor before April 24th, I will be forced to become an accountant. Like you, Craig and I have visited Mexican orphanages and would be happy to serve as translators for your kids. First lesson… “Capuchi” is Mexican for “put me up on your shoulders so that I can urinate on your neck”.
Thanks,
Matt of 2HW
Your mom claims that your IQ is north of 160, which would make you intellectual equals with Einstein and Bill Gates. Smart people follow the lead of successful people and become successful themselves. You are not smart. You are a genius. You are not satisfied with merely following the lead of other stars. You outshine them.
Anyone could have played a Harvard Law student like Reese Witherspoon did in “Legally Blonde”. But, it took someone of your considerable talent to outsmart old Boss Hogg while wearing hot pants. Reese went on to portray Johnny Cash’s wife in such convincing fashion that she won an Academy Award. But, how easy was that? You’re much more willing to challenge yourself. You too chose to play a musician’s wife for your next role. And will have the Academy begging for more when they see your turn as Pamela Anderson’s character, CJ Parker, in the big screen adaptation of “Baywatch”.
Angelina Jolie is also an Oscar winner, but does not limit herself to excellence onscreen. You’re quoted as saying that she has done “amazing, amazing things”. Brad Pitt has said that too, and for the sake of argument, let’s assume that you were both talking about the two orphaned kids that Angelina adopted. But, anything she can do you can do better. Reports surfaced last week that you plan to buy a Mexican orphanage. Bravo! Why settle for two puppies when you can buy the whole pet store?
Angelina and I are in currently in talks (and by “talks” I mean I wrote a letter and hope that she reads it) to make her my foster parent. I urge you to continue your one upsmanship and adopt both Craig and me. If I don’t find a benefactor before April 24th, I will be forced to become an accountant. Like you, Craig and I have visited Mexican orphanages and would be happy to serve as translators for your kids. First lesson… “Capuchi” is Mexican for “put me up on your shoulders so that I can urinate on your neck”.
Thanks,
Matt of 2HW
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
American Idol Recap 4/18/06
American Idol is ridiculous. After three consecutive lousy weeks, they concocted a way to make everyone look good, even Simon.
When I heard Rod Stewart was going to be on the show this week, it really pissed me off that Bucky was eliminated last week. How great would it have been to see Buck E. Fresh prancing around the stage in his Jessica Simpson hair, belting out “If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy”? Making matters worse, the young Idols wouldn’t be singing classic Rod Stewart songs. Instead, AI became an infomercial promoting the Rod’s new four disc box set “The Great American Songbook”.
Evidently the AI producers hadn’t listened to Rod’s ridiculous album of cover songs before agreeing to let him come on the show. During rehearsals, they must have realized that they would need Scott McClellan-esque spin to make these lame songs appear great. So, they called the style of music “The Standards” rather than “Boring Old People Music”.
In addition, the judges were ridiculously positive all night. Randy liked them all. Paula kept telling everyone they had what it took to go all the way. And phony praise oozed from Simon’s usually critical lips. Either the judges were trying to manufacture some quality or everyone had an incredible night.
Everyone except little Kellie Pickler. It started out well for her when she told Rod that he really “took a load off her chest”. Unfortunately, the audience was still laughing at her during the performance. Instead of following the judges lead and staying positive, she admitted that she “butchered” it. She’s not even close to the best singer, but, if there is ever a made for TV movie about Jessica Simpson, KP would be perfect for the part. It sounded like she channeled Jessica when she summed up her performance with, “When all else fails you gotta have great shoes”.
She won’t need great shoes to stick around another week, because Ace will be getting the boot. Ace tried a new look tonight in a desperate attempt to reinvent himself. Instead, he came off looking like Pat Riley and Steven Seagal’s love child. Apparently that’s the type of dude Simon is into, as he called Ace “charming”.
As usual, Chris performed very well. Although having the guitar player on stage with him kind of reminded me of that episode of Seinfeld where George tries to convince his African-American boss that he has a black friend. Chris was doing his thing on stage and all the sudden walked over and sat down next to the African-American guitar player, who was curiously positioned on the stage steps.
Surely it wasn’t really a Costanza moment, but it is interesting to compare the Idol voting to a presidential election. I think Chris and Catharine will win their primaries and become the final two. The last Idol standing could hinge on whether or not Catharine can take some of the country vote from Kellie or if Chris can take some of the geriatric vote from Taylor or the black vote from Paris.
Paris has a great voice and performed well tonight. Taylor Hicks also had a solid performance. Now that he’s big enough to be parodied on Saturday Night Live, he won’t have any trouble getting a record deal. Elliott was just okay. He has the voice, but not the personality. Catharine was outstanding.
But, they could have put Chicken Little back out there tonight and the judges would have raved. Tonight’s show was good, but the judges clearly attempted to manipulate the viewer into thinking it was a show for the ages. The two best singers were carefully positioned at the opening and closing of the show. America will likely fall for the hoopla and will be buzzing about Idol until they find out that Two Hit Wonder has just posted the first pictures of the new Cruise/Holmes Baby (if you don’t see the picture right at first, keep reading the entire page).
Saturday, April 15, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 7...Letter to Angelina Jolie
Dear Angelina Jolie,
You have a Cambodian. You have an Ethiopian. What would I have to do to talk you into adding a half-Norwegian to your collection?
Your little boy Maddox was adopted from a Cambodian orphanage. That was a cute story while it lasted, but you took adoption club up a notch with your next acquisition. What could be cuter than an Ethiopian orphan whose mother died of AIDS? Topping that with adoption number three will be expected, but seriously what could be sadder than that? I’ll tell you what. A 236-pound, 34 year old, white male asking stars to save him from becoming an accountant.
But, hear me out. I may not be the traditional charity case, but what if I told you adopting me would be funny? If you’re still not convinced, I’d be willing to settle for a foster parent relationship. I’ll only call myself Matt Jolie-Pitt and accept support checks from you until I get my writing career up and running.
Thanks Mom,
Matt
You have a Cambodian. You have an Ethiopian. What would I have to do to talk you into adding a half-Norwegian to your collection?
Your little boy Maddox was adopted from a Cambodian orphanage. That was a cute story while it lasted, but you took adoption club up a notch with your next acquisition. What could be cuter than an Ethiopian orphan whose mother died of AIDS? Topping that with adoption number three will be expected, but seriously what could be sadder than that? I’ll tell you what. A 236-pound, 34 year old, white male asking stars to save him from becoming an accountant.
But, hear me out. I may not be the traditional charity case, but what if I told you adopting me would be funny? If you’re still not convinced, I’d be willing to settle for a foster parent relationship. I’ll only call myself Matt Jolie-Pitt and accept support checks from you until I get my writing career up and running.
Thanks Mom,
Matt
Friday, April 14, 2006
American Idol Recap 4/11/06
What’s the point of having a different theme each week on American Idol? In real life, entertainers find their voice…a style that works for them, and they stick with it. AI isn’t so much about finding the next big thing in music as it is about finding the world’s best karaoke decathlete. Who cares if Mandesa isn’t the next Faith Hill, or if Ace isn’t a Queen? Early in his career, everything Garth Brooks did turned to gold, until he decided to forsake his country roots to indulge his rock alter ego, Chris Gaines. The weekly Idol themes result in two or three Chris Gaines-eque performances per show and take away from the overall quality. I can’t wait for next week’s theme…charity fund raising songs. Will Taylor’s “Super Bowl Shuffle” outshine Chris’s hard rocking “We are the World”?
It was another average week. Not as bad as the last two, but there really weren’t any unbelievable performances. Although it was good to see Taylor get back to his old spastic dancing self. Going into this week, I would have said Bucky would get the boot, but he may have had the best performance of the night. He also had the most memorable line of the night, badly describing what a difficult task it was to fill Freddie Mercury’s tights…”Freddie ain’t nobody you’d want to jump up behind, but you know…take what you’re given”. Ryan’s sarcastic “You can say that again” surely went over the head of most of the core audience. Of course, Mr. Mercury was himself a queen and was very accustomed to having men jump his behind. And coincidentally, “Take What Youre Given (from behind)” was the title of Freddie’s unfinished autobiography.
I’m pretty sure Chris and Elliott wore eyeliner, which I hope was a tribute to the effeminate Queen front man and not foreshadowing of closet doors opening on future shows. Simon made a great point when he said that Chris could have had a moment tonight. But, instead, picked an obscure song that not even Queen had ever performed live. Lucky for him, he’s already connected with America and should coast into the top 3. Fellow mascara wearing fella Elliott will not be so lucky. He’ll be out within 3 weeks.
Kellie Pickler will have a similarly short lifespan. It was a little scary to watch her version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. “Mama, I just killed a man” sounded weird coming out of her mouth. Katharine and Paris were forgettable, but good enough to move on…partly because of Ace’s situation. The AI producers set him up to fail tonight. Queen’s brand of music didn’t fit his voice to begin with. He then had to perform immediately following an awkward clip that ended with Queen being offended by a change that Ace wanted to make to their song. The judges unanimous dislike of his performance ensured that Ace will be the Idol that bites the dust tomorrow night.
It was another average week. Not as bad as the last two, but there really weren’t any unbelievable performances. Although it was good to see Taylor get back to his old spastic dancing self. Going into this week, I would have said Bucky would get the boot, but he may have had the best performance of the night. He also had the most memorable line of the night, badly describing what a difficult task it was to fill Freddie Mercury’s tights…”Freddie ain’t nobody you’d want to jump up behind, but you know…take what you’re given”. Ryan’s sarcastic “You can say that again” surely went over the head of most of the core audience. Of course, Mr. Mercury was himself a queen and was very accustomed to having men jump his behind. And coincidentally, “Take What Youre Given (from behind)” was the title of Freddie’s unfinished autobiography.
I’m pretty sure Chris and Elliott wore eyeliner, which I hope was a tribute to the effeminate Queen front man and not foreshadowing of closet doors opening on future shows. Simon made a great point when he said that Chris could have had a moment tonight. But, instead, picked an obscure song that not even Queen had ever performed live. Lucky for him, he’s already connected with America and should coast into the top 3. Fellow mascara wearing fella Elliott will not be so lucky. He’ll be out within 3 weeks.
Kellie Pickler will have a similarly short lifespan. It was a little scary to watch her version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. “Mama, I just killed a man” sounded weird coming out of her mouth. Katharine and Paris were forgettable, but good enough to move on…partly because of Ace’s situation. The AI producers set him up to fail tonight. Queen’s brand of music didn’t fit his voice to begin with. He then had to perform immediately following an awkward clip that ended with Queen being offended by a change that Ace wanted to make to their song. The judges unanimous dislike of his performance ensured that Ace will be the Idol that bites the dust tomorrow night.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...update 6...Craigslist Ad Seeking Musical Talent
With 10 days left, I have decided to use Craigslist once again. This time I posted a need for muscial talent to do a Set Matt Free benefit album. The contents of the post are detailed below.
Dear Music Industry,
Remember when we were the world? We were the children! Twenty years ago, before Michael Jackson turned into a weird white woman, “We are the World” raised over $60 million for hungry Africans. Some of music’s biggest names and Huey Lewis came together to record this heart-warming song.
Today, there’s an opportunity for you to be involved in a similar project with an equally worthy beneficiary. As you may have heard, I am in grave danger. If action is not taken by April 24th, I will be forced to become an accountant. Please do not let this happen.
For the few that may not know who I am…my name is Matt and I am one half of America’s fourth funniest lowbrow buddy comedy duo, Two Hit Wonder. According to our website statistics, somewhere between 4 and 37 people depend on me for daily entertainment. The more time I spend accounting, the less time I’ll have to entertain America. If I am forced to become an accountant, everyone loses.
But, it’s not too late to write a happy ending to this potentially devastating tale. If you appear on the list below please contact me immediately about participating in this worthy cause.
Tenacious D
The Dan Band
Lyle Lovett
They Might Be Giants
Flight of the Conchords
David Allan Coe
Clay Aiken
Poison
Ray Pruit
Spinal Tap
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Neil Diamond
If you aren’t on the list above, don’t worry. They let Dan Akroyd, Marlon Jackson, and Cyndi Lauper sing on “We are the World”. If you have time, talent and especially money, we’ll find a place for you.
Initially, I had planned to do one song, but why should we settle for anything less than a three-disc box set when we’re talking about a charity that’s so important to so many people.
I’m currently working on the first song, “Set Matt Free”, but may need some help finishing it. Here’s what I have so far, “My name’s Matt and I’m a Wonder, I’m just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle” (begin dance sequence). Feel free to work off of that model, or come up with your own, original work.
In closing, I’d like you to ask yourself when was the last time you were asked to come to the aid of an overweight, slightly balding, lactose intolerant, badly mustached, 34 year old Norwegian American? This might be the last chance you get. Do not pass now and hate yourself later. You can make a difference. Please note that all donations and proceeds from the sale of the record will go directly to the Save a Wonder Foundation. For additional details, please visit the “Set Matt Free” page on Two Hit Wonder.
Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder
Dear Music Industry,
Remember when we were the world? We were the children! Twenty years ago, before Michael Jackson turned into a weird white woman, “We are the World” raised over $60 million for hungry Africans. Some of music’s biggest names and Huey Lewis came together to record this heart-warming song.
Today, there’s an opportunity for you to be involved in a similar project with an equally worthy beneficiary. As you may have heard, I am in grave danger. If action is not taken by April 24th, I will be forced to become an accountant. Please do not let this happen.
For the few that may not know who I am…my name is Matt and I am one half of America’s fourth funniest lowbrow buddy comedy duo, Two Hit Wonder. According to our website statistics, somewhere between 4 and 37 people depend on me for daily entertainment. The more time I spend accounting, the less time I’ll have to entertain America. If I am forced to become an accountant, everyone loses.
But, it’s not too late to write a happy ending to this potentially devastating tale. If you appear on the list below please contact me immediately about participating in this worthy cause.
Tenacious D
The Dan Band
Lyle Lovett
They Might Be Giants
Flight of the Conchords
David Allan Coe
Clay Aiken
Poison
Ray Pruit
Spinal Tap
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Neil Diamond
If you aren’t on the list above, don’t worry. They let Dan Akroyd, Marlon Jackson, and Cyndi Lauper sing on “We are the World”. If you have time, talent and especially money, we’ll find a place for you.
Initially, I had planned to do one song, but why should we settle for anything less than a three-disc box set when we’re talking about a charity that’s so important to so many people.
I’m currently working on the first song, “Set Matt Free”, but may need some help finishing it. Here’s what I have so far, “My name’s Matt and I’m a Wonder, I’m just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle” (begin dance sequence). Feel free to work off of that model, or come up with your own, original work.
In closing, I’d like you to ask yourself when was the last time you were asked to come to the aid of an overweight, slightly balding, lactose intolerant, badly mustached, 34 year old Norwegian American? This might be the last chance you get. Do not pass now and hate yourself later. You can make a difference. Please note that all donations and proceeds from the sale of the record will go directly to the Save a Wonder Foundation. For additional details, please visit the “Set Matt Free” page on Two Hit Wonder.
Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 5...How I Got Here
Since we started “Operation Set Matt Free”, I’ve found that people think I’m joking when I say, “they’re trying to make me an accountant”. I’m not. How did I get myself in this position? Here’s the recap with names and company names changed to protect the stupid.
About a month ago, I got a call from my boss, Fluffy, who conveniently works out of state. After some consolidation, her out-of-state team outnumbered my team 10 to 1. But, we were assured that our jobs were safe.
Quick sidenote…I just looked up the word safe to make sure that I didn’t misunderstand the definition. I googled “definition of safe” and found this link…safe. Definition number one was “condom”. Little did I know that what they meant by “safe” was that I would need to take all necessary precautions, because I was about to get screwed.
When my boss called to tell me this great news, she babbled incessantly and said virtually nothing. I’m pretty sure she fired me, but her rambling monologue left me uncertain. At one point she said, “I’m getting the impression from other people that the team is being reduced in size”…which is an unusual way to say, “I have decided that you are jobless”.
Did she think she was doing me a favor by letting me down easily? I would have preferred the band-aid approach. Rip it right off. Get it over with. I asked her what kind of timeframe we were looking at. She was unsure. “No problem,” I thought, “When I get home, I’ll just tell the wife and two small kids that I was fired. But, when they will stop being able to eat would be anyone’s guess.”
A colleague received the same confusing call from Fluffy. He asked if she was saying that we should start looking for new jobs. She said, “Manager to employee, I can’t say. But, Fluffy to Sleepy, it might be best to keep your options open.”
I relayed our story to a co-worker (who did not get laid off), whose husband is a manager at our company. Her husband said we should report the mishandling of our termination to Human Resources. I hadn’t really thought about that, but after reading the termination checklist prescribed by our CEO, he was probably right. Our CEO said, “Be assured that the process of staffing reductions will be managed with respect and dignity, with high quality severance packages, advance notice and employee support throughout the process.”
Sounds like Fluffy went 0 for 4. There’s nothing more respectful and dignified than a phone call that doesn’t flat out tell you, but implies that you’re fired. I was not offered a severance package. Technically I was given advance notice, but minor details like if I was really getting fired and when that would occur were left out. Essentially they were pushing me to find another job so that I wouldn’t get a severance package.
But, I wanted a severance package.
Instead, I was told to interview for an Accounting job. The “interview” consisted of explaining the Accounting job to me. It was clear that they wanted to hire me and were trying to sell me on the job. But, if they were trying to sell it to me, I’m not sure they chose the right details to highlight, telling me that one year they came in on Christmas day and some nights during month-end close they stay till midnight. I tried my best to convince them that I was a poor fit. I was asked about my accounting background and explained that my degree was in English and therefore I had no experience.
But, apparently, that’s exactly what they were looking for. Today I received an official job offer. On 4/24/06 they are making me into an Accountant against my will. Instead of 10 wonderful weeks of severance, I was sentenced to 30 years in corporate America.
If I take this job, I will become a living, breathing oxymoron. Accounting’s yin and 2HW’s yang. I cannot possibly entertain America and pretend to be an accountant at the same time. And yet, a Wonder cannot live on the proceeds of the one t-shirt we’ve sold alone. Set me free. Donate to the Save a Wonder Foundation today.
About a month ago, I got a call from my boss, Fluffy, who conveniently works out of state. After some consolidation, her out-of-state team outnumbered my team 10 to 1. But, we were assured that our jobs were safe.
Quick sidenote…I just looked up the word safe to make sure that I didn’t misunderstand the definition. I googled “definition of safe” and found this link…safe. Definition number one was “condom”. Little did I know that what they meant by “safe” was that I would need to take all necessary precautions, because I was about to get screwed.
When my boss called to tell me this great news, she babbled incessantly and said virtually nothing. I’m pretty sure she fired me, but her rambling monologue left me uncertain. At one point she said, “I’m getting the impression from other people that the team is being reduced in size”…which is an unusual way to say, “I have decided that you are jobless”.
Did she think she was doing me a favor by letting me down easily? I would have preferred the band-aid approach. Rip it right off. Get it over with. I asked her what kind of timeframe we were looking at. She was unsure. “No problem,” I thought, “When I get home, I’ll just tell the wife and two small kids that I was fired. But, when they will stop being able to eat would be anyone’s guess.”
A colleague received the same confusing call from Fluffy. He asked if she was saying that we should start looking for new jobs. She said, “Manager to employee, I can’t say. But, Fluffy to Sleepy, it might be best to keep your options open.”
I relayed our story to a co-worker (who did not get laid off), whose husband is a manager at our company. Her husband said we should report the mishandling of our termination to Human Resources. I hadn’t really thought about that, but after reading the termination checklist prescribed by our CEO, he was probably right. Our CEO said, “Be assured that the process of staffing reductions will be managed with respect and dignity, with high quality severance packages, advance notice and employee support throughout the process.”
Sounds like Fluffy went 0 for 4. There’s nothing more respectful and dignified than a phone call that doesn’t flat out tell you, but implies that you’re fired. I was not offered a severance package. Technically I was given advance notice, but minor details like if I was really getting fired and when that would occur were left out. Essentially they were pushing me to find another job so that I wouldn’t get a severance package.
But, I wanted a severance package.
Instead, I was told to interview for an Accounting job. The “interview” consisted of explaining the Accounting job to me. It was clear that they wanted to hire me and were trying to sell me on the job. But, if they were trying to sell it to me, I’m not sure they chose the right details to highlight, telling me that one year they came in on Christmas day and some nights during month-end close they stay till midnight. I tried my best to convince them that I was a poor fit. I was asked about my accounting background and explained that my degree was in English and therefore I had no experience.
But, apparently, that’s exactly what they were looking for. Today I received an official job offer. On 4/24/06 they are making me into an Accountant against my will. Instead of 10 wonderful weeks of severance, I was sentenced to 30 years in corporate America.
If I take this job, I will become a living, breathing oxymoron. Accounting’s yin and 2HW’s yang. I cannot possibly entertain America and pretend to be an accountant at the same time. And yet, a Wonder cannot live on the proceeds of the one t-shirt we’ve sold alone. Set me free. Donate to the Save a Wonder Foundation today.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 4...First Job Offer
This is a big day. I received my first job offer in “the industry” (details below). I passed, but barely. Twelve days until I become an accountant. Please help me.
i’m an independantly wealthy movie producer without spell check. i’m currently seeking men for an “adult themed” motioon picture titled “you’ve got male”…interested?
Oswald Penny Packer
“OPP,
How can I explain it? I’ll take it frame by frame it. O is for Other, P is for People, Scratch your temple, the last P, well, that’s not that simple…bust it.” Thank you Oswald for taking me back to my days as a teenage “Naughty by Nature” fan. I’m down with OPP…yeah you know me.
While I may be down with OPP, I plan to give my career a couple more weeks before I would consider being down with “adult themed” films. But, as a gifted writer, I am willing to help you come up with original titles for films in your genre. All you have to do is replace a word from the title of a well known film with the word “anus”. Below are excerpts from Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan’s actual IMDB movie profiles with titles changed for your pleasure. You’re welcome.
Thanks,
Matt from 2HW
P.S. Craig loves handling packages, you might see if he wants a shot at getting male.
Against the Anus (2004) …. Jackie Kallen… aka Promoterin, Die (Germany)… aka The Promoter (Germany)
In the Anus (2003) …. Frannie
“What’s Going Anus?” - Intolerance in Northern Anus (????) TV Episode
Proof of Anus (2000) …. Alice Bowman
You’ve Got Anus (1998) …. Kathleen Kelly
Burlyanus (1998) …. Bonnie
City of Anus (1998) …. Maggie Rice… aka Stadt der Engel (Germany)
Anustasia (1997) (voice) …. Anya/Anastasia Nicholaevna Romanov
Addicted to Anus (1997) …. Maggie… aka Forlorn
Anus Under Fire (1996) …. Captain Karen Emma Walden
Restoranus (1995) …. Katharine
Anus Kiss (1995) …. Kate… aka Paris Match
When a Man Loves an Anus (1994) …. Alice Green
Anus in Seattle (1993) …. Annie Reed
Prelude to an Anus (1992) …. Rita Boyle
Joe Versus the Anus (1990) …. DeDe/Angelica Graynamore/Patricia Graynamore
When Harry Met Anus… (1989) …. Sally Albright
Inneranus (1987) …. Lydia Maxwell
Anus Land (1987) …. Bev
Top Anus (1986) …. Carole Bradshaw
“Wildanus” (1985) TV Series …. Cally Oaks (1985)
“Anus in Charge” - Megan Harper
Anusville 3-D (1983) …. Lisa
“Anus of the Boys” (1982) TV Series …. Jane (1982)
“As the Anus Turns” (1956) TV Series …. Betsy Stewart Montgomery Andropoulos
Amy and the Anus (1982) (TV) …. Denise
Charlie Wilson’s Anus (2006) (pre-production) …. Charlie Wilson
A Cold Anus (2006) (pre-production) …. Andy Rosenzweig
Magnificent Anus (2005) (voice) …. Narrator
The Anus Express (2004) …. Hero Boy/Father/Conductor/Hobo/Scrooge/Santa Claus
Elvis Has Left the Anus (2004) …. Mailbox Elvis
Catch Me In The Anus (2002) …. Carl Hanratty
The Green Anus (1999) …. Paul Edgecomb
You’ve Got Anus (1998) …. Joe Fox
Saving Private Anus (1998) …. Captain John H. Miller
That Anus You Do! (1996) …. Mr. White
Anus Story (1995) (voice) …. Woody
Anus 13 (1995) …. Jim Lovell
Anus of Horror I (1994) (TV)
Anus in Seattle (1993) …. Sam Baldwin
An Anus of Their Own (1992) …. Jimmy Dugan
“Tales from the Anus”
The Bonfire of the Anus (1990) …. Sherman McCoy
Joe Versus the Anus (1990) …. Joe Banks
Anus & Hooch (1989) …. Det. Scott Turner
Every Time We Say Anus (1986) …. David Bradley
The Anus Pit (1986) …. Walter Fielding, Jr.
The Man with One Red Anus (1985) …. Richard Harlan Drew
Anus Party (1984) …. Rick Gassko
“Happy Anus”… aka Happy Days Again (USA: syndication title) (1982) TV Episode …. Dr. Dwayne Twitchell
“Anus Buddies” …. Kip ‘Buffy’ Wilson (1981) TV Episode
“The Anus Boat” (1980) TV Episode …. Rick Martin
He Knows Your Anus (1980) …. Elliot… aka Blood Wedding
i’m an independantly wealthy movie producer without spell check. i’m currently seeking men for an “adult themed” motioon picture titled “you’ve got male”…interested?
Oswald Penny Packer
“OPP,
How can I explain it? I’ll take it frame by frame it. O is for Other, P is for People, Scratch your temple, the last P, well, that’s not that simple…bust it.” Thank you Oswald for taking me back to my days as a teenage “Naughty by Nature” fan. I’m down with OPP…yeah you know me.
While I may be down with OPP, I plan to give my career a couple more weeks before I would consider being down with “adult themed” films. But, as a gifted writer, I am willing to help you come up with original titles for films in your genre. All you have to do is replace a word from the title of a well known film with the word “anus”. Below are excerpts from Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan’s actual IMDB movie profiles with titles changed for your pleasure. You’re welcome.
Thanks,
Matt from 2HW
P.S. Craig loves handling packages, you might see if he wants a shot at getting male.
Against the Anus (2004) …. Jackie Kallen… aka Promoterin, Die (Germany)… aka The Promoter (Germany)
In the Anus (2003) …. Frannie
“What’s Going Anus?” - Intolerance in Northern Anus (????) TV Episode
Proof of Anus (2000) …. Alice Bowman
You’ve Got Anus (1998) …. Kathleen Kelly
Burlyanus (1998) …. Bonnie
City of Anus (1998) …. Maggie Rice… aka Stadt der Engel (Germany)
Anustasia (1997) (voice) …. Anya/Anastasia Nicholaevna Romanov
Addicted to Anus (1997) …. Maggie… aka Forlorn
Anus Under Fire (1996) …. Captain Karen Emma Walden
Restoranus (1995) …. Katharine
Anus Kiss (1995) …. Kate… aka Paris Match
When a Man Loves an Anus (1994) …. Alice Green
Anus in Seattle (1993) …. Annie Reed
Prelude to an Anus (1992) …. Rita Boyle
Joe Versus the Anus (1990) …. DeDe/Angelica Graynamore/Patricia Graynamore
When Harry Met Anus… (1989) …. Sally Albright
Inneranus (1987) …. Lydia Maxwell
Anus Land (1987) …. Bev
Top Anus (1986) …. Carole Bradshaw
“Wildanus” (1985) TV Series …. Cally Oaks (1985)
“Anus in Charge” - Megan Harper
Anusville 3-D (1983) …. Lisa
“Anus of the Boys” (1982) TV Series …. Jane (1982)
“As the Anus Turns” (1956) TV Series …. Betsy Stewart Montgomery Andropoulos
Amy and the Anus (1982) (TV) …. Denise
Charlie Wilson’s Anus (2006) (pre-production) …. Charlie Wilson
A Cold Anus (2006) (pre-production) …. Andy Rosenzweig
Magnificent Anus (2005) (voice) …. Narrator
The Anus Express (2004) …. Hero Boy/Father/Conductor/Hobo/Scrooge/Santa Claus
Elvis Has Left the Anus (2004) …. Mailbox Elvis
Catch Me In The Anus (2002) …. Carl Hanratty
The Green Anus (1999) …. Paul Edgecomb
You’ve Got Anus (1998) …. Joe Fox
Saving Private Anus (1998) …. Captain John H. Miller
That Anus You Do! (1996) …. Mr. White
Anus Story (1995) (voice) …. Woody
Anus 13 (1995) …. Jim Lovell
Anus of Horror I (1994) (TV)
Anus in Seattle (1993) …. Sam Baldwin
An Anus of Their Own (1992) …. Jimmy Dugan
“Tales from the Anus”
The Bonfire of the Anus (1990) …. Sherman McCoy
Joe Versus the Anus (1990) …. Joe Banks
Anus & Hooch (1989) …. Det. Scott Turner
Every Time We Say Anus (1986) …. David Bradley
The Anus Pit (1986) …. Walter Fielding, Jr.
The Man with One Red Anus (1985) …. Richard Harlan Drew
Anus Party (1984) …. Rick Gassko
“Happy Anus”… aka Happy Days Again (USA: syndication title) (1982) TV Episode …. Dr. Dwayne Twitchell
“Anus Buddies” …. Kip ‘Buffy’ Wilson (1981) TV Episode
“The Anus Boat” (1980) TV Episode …. Rick Martin
He Knows Your Anus (1980) …. Elliot… aka Blood Wedding
Saturday, April 8, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 3...Letter to Bob Barker
Dear Bob Barker,
You are the Mother Theresa of game show hosts. You give until it hurts, and then you give some more. In 30 plus years hosting “The Price is Right”, you’ve given away 600 million dollars worth of cash and prizes. For most people, that would have been more than enough. But, you somehow find the time during each show to tell people what to do with their pet’s reproductive organs.
While so many celebrities are supporting cliché charities that help terminally ill children or victims of abuse, you are making the world a better place by making sure that Scruffy and Princess don’t suffer the indignity of unplanned pregnancy. Thanks to your brave work, the household pet population has stabilized.
Meanwhile, with very little publicity, there is another population that is projected to increase at an alarming rate. If action is not taken immediately, there will be one too many accountants on April 24th. There is a simple solution, but I need your help. I implore you to take a break from your typical TPIR sign off and start ending every show with this statement, “Help control the accountant population. Donate to the Save a Wonder Foundation today.”
Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder
You are the Mother Theresa of game show hosts. You give until it hurts, and then you give some more. In 30 plus years hosting “The Price is Right”, you’ve given away 600 million dollars worth of cash and prizes. For most people, that would have been more than enough. But, you somehow find the time during each show to tell people what to do with their pet’s reproductive organs.
While so many celebrities are supporting cliché charities that help terminally ill children or victims of abuse, you are making the world a better place by making sure that Scruffy and Princess don’t suffer the indignity of unplanned pregnancy. Thanks to your brave work, the household pet population has stabilized.
Meanwhile, with very little publicity, there is another population that is projected to increase at an alarming rate. If action is not taken immediately, there will be one too many accountants on April 24th. There is a simple solution, but I need your help. I implore you to take a break from your typical TPIR sign off and start ending every show with this statement, “Help control the accountant population. Donate to the Save a Wonder Foundation today.”
Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder
Friday, April 7, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 2...Letter to Hugh Hefner
Panic is setting in. I am 17 days away from becoming an accountant. I’m going to start appealing directly to Hollywood’s biggest names to help.
Dear Hugh Hefner,
You recently put Jessica Alba on the cover of Playboy without asking her permission. When she threatened to sue, you donated money to her favorite charity and all was forgiven.
I’ve attached a picture of me in a Two Hit Wonder thong (thongs now available for purchase in the Two Hit Wonder store). I forbid you to put my photo on the cover of your magazine. If you choose to ignore my demand, my favorite charity is the Save a Wonder Foundation.
Thanks,
Matt
Dear Hugh Hefner,
You recently put Jessica Alba on the cover of Playboy without asking her permission. When she threatened to sue, you donated money to her favorite charity and all was forgiven.
I’ve attached a picture of me in a Two Hit Wonder thong (thongs now available for purchase in the Two Hit Wonder store). I forbid you to put my photo on the cover of your magazine. If you choose to ignore my demand, my favorite charity is the Save a Wonder Foundation.
Thanks,
Matt
Thursday, April 6, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 1
It’s been twelve hours since my initial plea for help and I've yet to receive a job offer in the entertainment industry. In an effort to buy more time, 2HW WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THE CREATION OF THE “SAVE A WONDER FOUNDATION”.
You know those charity functions where people get placed in jail until they can find friends willing to donate enough money to charity to bail them out? Operation “Set Matt Free” is just as stupid, but his jail is all too real. If action is not taken immediately, I will be spending the next 30 years to life in an 8x6 cube impersonating an accountant. I need your help now. Quit wasting your money helping poor people and unethically treated animals. You can help bail me out right now with a generous donation to the Save a Wonder Foundation. Just click the link below.
You know those charity functions where people get placed in jail until they can find friends willing to donate enough money to charity to bail them out? Operation “Set Matt Free” is just as stupid, but his jail is all too real. If action is not taken immediately, I will be spending the next 30 years to life in an 8x6 cube impersonating an accountant. I need your help now. Quit wasting your money helping poor people and unethically treated animals. You can help bail me out right now with a generous donation to the Save a Wonder Foundation. Just click the link below.
Wednesday, April 5, 2006
They're trying to make me an accountant!!!!!
Today is a dark day in 2HW history. I received a death sentence. In nineteen days, I will start a job as an accountant. Take a long look at my picture below. I am not an accountant. If I take this job, all creativity will likely be sucked out of me. I’ll be reduced to hilarious yarns about rounding errors and GAAPs. Two Hit Wonder as we know it could cease to exist.
To prevent this from happening, I have decided to seek a paying gig in the entertainment industry that is good enough to convince my wife to move my family to the entertainment capital of the world, India’s Film Mecca, Bollywood.
FIRST CRAIGSLIST POST
City: Los Angeles
Category: Creative Services
Title: They’re trying to make me an accountant!
Dear Hollywood,
I have until 4/24 to become an international phenomenon or I will turn into an accountant. Please Help!
My resume is posted here (dead link deleted). My headshot is at the top of the site. (I’m one of the good-looking ones.) Also on display is my extensive portfolio of lowbrow comedy writing.
All paying gigs will be considered with the probable exception of gay porn (unless it’s tasteful).
Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder
email: matt at twohitwonder dot com
website: Two Hit Wonder
To prevent this from happening, I have decided to seek a paying gig in the entertainment industry that is good enough to convince my wife to move my family to the entertainment capital of the world, India’s Film Mecca, Bollywood.
FIRST CRAIGSLIST POST
City: Los Angeles
Category: Creative Services
Title: They’re trying to make me an accountant!
Dear Hollywood,
I have until 4/24 to become an international phenomenon or I will turn into an accountant. Please Help!
My resume is posted here (dead link deleted). My headshot is at the top of the site. (I’m one of the good-looking ones.) Also on display is my extensive portfolio of lowbrow comedy writing.
All paying gigs will be considered with the probable exception of gay porn (unless it’s tasteful).
Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder
email: matt at twohitwonder dot com
website: Two Hit Wonder
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
American Idol Recap 4/4/06
George Clooney went on the offensive last week against gawker.com. The sexiest Facts of Life cast member alive was not happy with the Gawker Stalker map, which uses tips from commoners like you to notify the world where Max Weinberg ate lunch eight hours ago. Clooney’s publicist encouraged other publicists to flood the gawker website with misinformation which would “render them useless”. There hasn’t been a line that overly dramatic since the last time Clooney used it—when he told his boy wonder Chris O’Donnell what he wanted to do to his nemesis, Mr. Freeze, in “Batman and Robin”. Come on Georgie, lighten up. If one-third of a day is not enough of a head start for you to outrun gawker readers you had no business wearing Bruce Wayne’s tights in the first place.
After viewing tonight’s episode of American Idol, it appears that Kenny Rogers took a page out of George’s book. Evidently the Gambler was none too pleased with www.menwholooklikeKennyRogers.com and decided to have a face transplant. The only logical explanation for Rogers’ massive reconstructive surgery is that he felt compelled to follow Clooney’s lead and render the guys at MWLLKR dot com useless. If Kenny doesn’t look like Kenny, then nobody can look like Kenny. He certainly showed them.
I don’t even feel like talking about American Idol after being forced to look at “my knight in shining armor’s” paint-by-number face. I’ll make a vow to go Kenny-free until John Woo makes “Face-Off II” starring Mr. Rogers and Cowboy’s Owner Jerry Jones. Okay, I need to focus this is supposed to be an American Idol recap, but I can’t get past Kenny’s boy band look any more than Ryan Seacrest could get past Simon’s crack about Seacrest trying to look like one of the Desperate Housewives (a not-so-subtle reference to recently published photos of Ryan publicly kissing Teri Hatcher, whose Desperate Housewives love interest sports a beard hauntingly similar to the one Ryan had tonight). It was quite funny to watch the rest of the show, as Ryan bashed Simon any chance he could get.
The lover’s quarrel between Simon and Ryan was a lot more interesting than the singing. It was the second straight forgettable week. Simon hated almost everyone and later admitted to Catharine that he just doesn’t like country music.
What a waste of a week. Someone has to go though. Bucky and Kellie are safe. Neither will be voted off on Country week. Going into this week, I would have picked Ace to be ousted, but I thought his song really fit his voice well. I generally can’t stand his cheese, but I kind of liked him maybe it was Kenny’s compliment of the match between Ace and song that subliminally got to me. Elliot has a great voice, but just doesn’t have the “it factor” and will be voted off within the next 3 weeks. Mandisa and country music aren’t a great match. It’s weird, she seemed to be one of the favorites a few weeks ago, but really got bashed hard by the judges last week for singing a Gospel song, and didn’t receive any favorable reviews again this week. Taylor has really moved away from what made him likeable in the first place. The last two weeks he’s been very plain, not his usual animated soul patrolling self and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him in the bottom 3. I think Paris, Chris and Katharine were good enough to move on and they could easily be the last 3 standing. Kenny Rogers will not be so lucky. An invite back to Idol is unlikely, but if Felicity Huffman is too busy playing a desperate housewife to star in “Transamerica 2”, Rogers could easily fill that role.
After viewing tonight’s episode of American Idol, it appears that Kenny Rogers took a page out of George’s book. Evidently the Gambler was none too pleased with www.menwholooklikeKennyRogers.com and decided to have a face transplant. The only logical explanation for Rogers’ massive reconstructive surgery is that he felt compelled to follow Clooney’s lead and render the guys at MWLLKR dot com useless. If Kenny doesn’t look like Kenny, then nobody can look like Kenny. He certainly showed them.
I don’t even feel like talking about American Idol after being forced to look at “my knight in shining armor’s” paint-by-number face. I’ll make a vow to go Kenny-free until John Woo makes “Face-Off II” starring Mr. Rogers and Cowboy’s Owner Jerry Jones. Okay, I need to focus this is supposed to be an American Idol recap, but I can’t get past Kenny’s boy band look any more than Ryan Seacrest could get past Simon’s crack about Seacrest trying to look like one of the Desperate Housewives (a not-so-subtle reference to recently published photos of Ryan publicly kissing Teri Hatcher, whose Desperate Housewives love interest sports a beard hauntingly similar to the one Ryan had tonight). It was quite funny to watch the rest of the show, as Ryan bashed Simon any chance he could get.
The lover’s quarrel between Simon and Ryan was a lot more interesting than the singing. It was the second straight forgettable week. Simon hated almost everyone and later admitted to Catharine that he just doesn’t like country music.
What a waste of a week. Someone has to go though. Bucky and Kellie are safe. Neither will be voted off on Country week. Going into this week, I would have picked Ace to be ousted, but I thought his song really fit his voice well. I generally can’t stand his cheese, but I kind of liked him maybe it was Kenny’s compliment of the match between Ace and song that subliminally got to me. Elliot has a great voice, but just doesn’t have the “it factor” and will be voted off within the next 3 weeks. Mandisa and country music aren’t a great match. It’s weird, she seemed to be one of the favorites a few weeks ago, but really got bashed hard by the judges last week for singing a Gospel song, and didn’t receive any favorable reviews again this week. Taylor has really moved away from what made him likeable in the first place. The last two weeks he’s been very plain, not his usual animated soul patrolling self and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him in the bottom 3. I think Paris, Chris and Katharine were good enough to move on and they could easily be the last 3 standing. Kenny Rogers will not be so lucky. An invite back to Idol is unlikely, but if Felicity Huffman is too busy playing a desperate housewife to star in “Transamerica 2”, Rogers could easily fill that role.
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