Dear Jessica Simpson,
Your mom claims that your IQ is north of 160, which would make you intellectual equals with Einstein and Bill Gates. Smart people follow the lead of successful people and become successful themselves. You are not smart. You are a genius. You are not satisfied with merely following the lead of other stars. You outshine them.
Anyone could have played a Harvard Law student like Reese Witherspoon did in “Legally Blonde”. But, it took someone of your considerable talent to outsmart old Boss Hogg while wearing hot pants. Reese went on to portray Johnny Cash’s wife in such convincing fashion that she won an Academy Award. But, how easy was that? You’re much more willing to challenge yourself. You too chose to play a musician’s wife for your next role. And will have the Academy begging for more when they see your turn as Pamela Anderson’s character, CJ Parker, in the big screen adaptation of “Baywatch”.
Angelina Jolie is also an Oscar winner, but does not limit herself to excellence onscreen. You’re quoted as saying that she has done “amazing, amazing things”. Brad Pitt has said that too, and for the sake of argument, let’s assume that you were both talking about the two orphaned kids that Angelina adopted. But, anything she can do you can do better. Reports surfaced last week that you plan to buy a Mexican orphanage. Bravo! Why settle for two puppies when you can buy the whole pet store?
Angelina and I are in currently in talks (and by “talks” I mean I wrote a letter and hope that she reads it) to make her my foster parent. I urge you to continue your one upsmanship and adopt both Craig and me. If I don’t find a benefactor before April 24th, I will be forced to become an accountant. Like you, Craig and I have visited Mexican orphanages and would be happy to serve as translators for your kids. First lesson… “Capuchi” is Mexican for “put me up on your shoulders so that I can urinate on your neck”.
Thanks,
Matt of 2HW
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