They're trying to make me an accountant...Update 5...How I Got Here

Since we started “Operation Set Matt Free”, I’ve found that people think I’m joking when I say, “they’re trying to make me an accountant”. I’m not. How did I get myself in this position? Here’s the recap with names and company names changed to protect the stupid.

About a month ago, I got a call from my boss, Fluffy, who conveniently works out of state. After some consolidation, her out-of-state team outnumbered my team 10 to 1. But, we were assured that our jobs were safe.

Quick sidenote…I just looked up the word safe to make sure that I didn’t misunderstand the definition. I googled “definition of safe” and found this link…safe. Definition number one was “condom”. Little did I know that what they meant by “safe” was that I would need to take all necessary precautions, because I was about to get screwed.

When my boss called to tell me this great news, she babbled incessantly and said virtually nothing. I’m pretty sure she fired me, but her rambling monologue left me uncertain. At one point she said, “I’m getting the impression from other people that the team is being reduced in size”…which is an unusual way to say, “I have decided that you are jobless”.

Did she think she was doing me a favor by letting me down easily? I would have preferred the band-aid approach. Rip it right off. Get it over with. I asked her what kind of timeframe we were looking at. She was unsure. “No problem,” I thought, “When I get home, I’ll just tell the wife and two small kids that I was fired. But, when they will stop being able to eat would be anyone’s guess.”

A colleague received the same confusing call from Fluffy. He asked if she was saying that we should start looking for new jobs. She said, “Manager to employee, I can’t say. But, Fluffy to Sleepy, it might be best to keep your options open.”

I relayed our story to a co-worker (who did not get laid off), whose husband is a manager at our company. Her husband said we should report the mishandling of our termination to Human Resources. I hadn’t really thought about that, but after reading the termination checklist prescribed by our CEO, he was probably right. Our CEO said, “Be assured that the process of staffing reductions will be managed with respect and dignity, with high quality severance packages, advance notice and employee support throughout the process.”

Sounds like Fluffy went 0 for 4. There’s nothing more respectful and dignified than a phone call that doesn’t flat out tell you, but implies that you’re fired. I was not offered a severance package. Technically I was given advance notice, but minor details like if I was really getting fired and when that would occur were left out. Essentially they were pushing me to find another job so that I wouldn’t get a severance package.

But, I wanted a severance package.

Instead, I was told to interview for an Accounting job. The “interview” consisted of explaining the Accounting job to me. It was clear that they wanted to hire me and were trying to sell me on the job. But, if they were trying to sell it to me, I’m not sure they chose the right details to highlight, telling me that one year they came in on Christmas day and some nights during month-end close they stay till midnight. I tried my best to convince them that I was a poor fit. I was asked about my accounting background and explained that my degree was in English and therefore I had no experience.

But, apparently, that’s exactly what they were looking for. Today I received an official job offer. On 4/24/06 they are making me into an Accountant against my will. Instead of 10 wonderful weeks of severance, I was sentenced to 30 years in corporate America.

If I take this job, I will become a living, breathing oxymoron. Accounting’s yin and 2HW’s yang. I cannot possibly entertain America and pretend to be an accountant at the same time. And yet, a Wonder cannot live on the proceeds of the one t-shirt we’ve sold alone. Set me free. Donate to the Save a Wonder Foundation today.