Letter to David Caruso

Dear David Caruso,

You are amazing. Your bio says you’re 50, but your face looks as weathered as Bea Arthur’s. Your acting is brutally unrealistic. You over-dramatize every line of dialogue while looking downward or off in the distance. You’re constantly taking your sunglasses off and putting them back on…whether you’re inside or out. You open every scene standing at a weird angle with your hands on your hips.

You left NYPD Blue after one season when you incorrectly assumed that you were the hottest dude on the planet. Your film career tanked and yet here you are back in the spotlight…a bona fide international star. Your 100th episode just aired and CSI: Miami is the number one show in the world. How is that possible?

If CBS really thought you were the Sexiest Man Alive, they would not have put your little spin-off show on opposite Monday Night Football. To me, giving you a Monday night slot, was your network’s way of saying that you are, at best, the heir apparent to Dick Van Dyke’s “Diagnosis Murder” audience. CBS execs realize they won’t draw men away from MNF, and instead were looking for someone who could draw in old ladies. So they sent your pasty skinned red head to the city where old women go to die.

But, “Murder She Wrote with Better Technology” unexpectedly has drawn a worldwide audience…which is exactly what I’m trying to do with this blog. You’ve made me realize that I’ve wasted too much time writing about work and/or going Hollywood. All I need to do is talk about you. Effective immediately, I’m going to abandon all other categories in this blog and create the world’s greatest (and only) CSI: Miami blog.

Thanks,
Matt