Letter to Ricky Williams

Dear Ricky Williams,

Remember that time you won the Heisman Trophy? Sorry that wasn’t a fair question. It was eight years and thousands of brain cells ago. But, take my word for it. You were the best college football player in 1998.

After college, you signed with Master P’s “No Limit Sports” agency, even though No Limit had never negotiated an NFL contract, let alone the contract of the #5 overall pick. The deal was so bad that you ended up making about $50 million dollars less than the #4 pick.

Most people would be a mess if one little signature cost them $50 million, but you’re doing great. You’re still playing football. Sure, it’s the Canadian Football League, but at least the drug tests are less frequent than in the NFL. In 2004 you did so well on NFL drug tests that you were encouraged to take a one-year leave of absence. You maximized your time off by enrolling in college. Several weeks later you were an expert in the ancient Indian art of holistic medicine. Along the way, you’ve done what many men only dream of…fathering five kids…with five baby’s mommas. And to top it all off, you’re a vegetarian and a certified yoga instructor.

One day, I hope to have a resume with half as many accomplishments. For now, I’m having trouble finding an agent willing to represent an Accountant who specializes in urinal code comedy writing. But, who better to rep me than Master P? Maybe R. Kelly, but I’ll take my chances with the agency that made you the man you are today. I was hoping that you could set up a meet and greet with No Limit and me, where we could pass the dutchie and plot out a strategy to ruin my life.

Thanks,
Matt