Weddings by 2HW

In the glory days of Two Hit Wonder, I tried to convince Craig that we needed to add weddings to the suite of services we offered. The wedding ceremonies I’ve attended often incorporate the same boring format that ends up lulling me into daydreams about whether or not there will be an open bar at the reception. I pictured 2HW breaking that mold.

Instead of reading the traditional bible verses, Craig and I would perform a Scripture rap. Instead of an overdramatic solo by someone with musical talent, I would belt out “Every Rose Has Its Thorns” while Craig strummed the only two guitar cords he knows. We’d spice up the tired old seating of the tired old grandparents with a little geriatric musical chairs. The charge/sermon would be in traditional 2HW “Letter to Hollywood” format. And we’d finish up by letting the happy couple light our moustaches instead of the unity candle.

But, Craig pretended not to get my vision and I quickly gave up on the dream. Fast forward a few months…Craig unexpectedly quit 2HW. He told me he thought we should start dating other wonders. But, soon I would learn the truth. He wanted to do weddings without me.

Last night he officiated his first wedding. No joke. While some couples choose a minister or justice of the peace to perform their ceremony, Craig’s cousin John and his bride decided that Craig’s experience as a financial analyst made him the ideal candidate to be a fake minister for a day. Instead of going to seminary, Craig spent $15 and was ordained by the First Church of the World Wide Web.

Although I don’t know John well enough to have been invited to the wedding, I knew I had to sneak in to witness Craig’s performance. He actually held up pretty well under the pressure. John and Janet did the smart thing and didn’t let Craig ad lib anything. He was instructed to read word-for-word what was written in his handbook. But, it’s what wasn’t written that caused the most trouble. They forgot Craig was a rookie, and really should have started his program with a simple, “You may be seated”. Instead, the audience was forced to stand throughout the entire ceremony.

I made it a goal to float out to Inebriation Island as quickly as possible and was sufficiently toasty by the time the best man started his toast. His first order of business was to thank Craig for performing the ceremony. Craig was sitting right next to me, so with all eyes on him, I drunkenly lifted my glass to toast, only to watch in horror as my fat, greasy fingers dumped my bourbon and coke all over our table. How nice of the uninvited guest to make a public spectacle of himself.

It could have been worse. I could have stood up and tried to do a toast of my own. I was thinking through it in my mind, but thankfully wasn’t able to quickly formulate a joke about the Priest trying to get in my pants. (Craig had come over to my house before the wedding because his suit pants were too tight. I offered up a pair of my pants, which he chose to wear even though they really didn’t match his suit coat.)

At one point in the evening, I snuck a dinner roll into my suit coat pocket. I spent the entire night waiting for the right moment to pull it out. Finally, everyone had left except Craig, his wife, the mother of the groom, her husband and me. The husband was eating a cookie. I piped up with something like, “You two really should be eating together” and handed MOG the roll from my pocket. To which she replied, “You are so freaking weird”. Again…nice job of blending in by the guy who crashed the wedding.

I further wore out my welcome with my excessive participation in the fish bowl that was set up for well wishers to offer congratulations to the happy couple. I think I wrote about 6 or 7, none of them appropriate. I know one was a Haiku, another quoted Sir Mixalot’s “Baby’s got Back”, and one talked about an aunt who was making me sick by dancing barefoot.
Let me preface the closing by saying that I’m the only living English major who routinely has to have literary symbolism explained to me, so there’s a very good chance I don’t understand the depth of meaning for the special music John and Janet chose…“Bittersweet Symphony” by the Verve. The only line I really know from the song goes like this,

“Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life

Trying to make ends meet

You’re a slave to money then you die”

A fitting end to the happiest day of John, Janet and my lives.