Campaign Slogan

“Smarter than some, friend of a few” was a campaign slogan I created years ago in the unlikely event that I ever ran for public office. (Quick aside: Why is the adjective “public” needed when discussing the kind of office toward which you’re running? Has anyone ever run for private office?) The intent of the slogan was to depict myself as a borderline retard without many friends whose best chance for winning was to get sympathy votes.

Smarter than some. I’m not going to be the smartest Presidential candidate. In fact, I’ll likely be the dumbest ever. But, all the other candidates will have the burden of trying to prove they’re smart. This becomes next to impossible with the press hanging on your every word just waiting for you to misspell potato. If my slogan helps to convince people I’m stupid, any signs I show of actual brain activity will result in far more praise than I deserve. I’m making myself out to be the Presidential candidate version of a Special Olympian.

Friend of a few. I don’t like people. That’s why I don’t plan to hit the campaign trail in the traditional sense. I’m not going to travel. Kissing babies? Guess again. I can’t in good conscience put my lips on a little person who could take down my campaign by giving me jaundice or the colic. And shaking hands. Gimme a break! Not a chance. Why would I shake anyone’s hand before I’m able to enact my urinal code reform laws that require prison sentences for people who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom? While shaking hands and kissing babies, Obama, Clinton, and the rest are playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette. If their willingness to touch other humans ends up giving them a terminal illness, that’s their funeral…and more votes for me.

On the surface “Smarter than some, friend of a few” seems innocent, but underneath lies a carefully crafted strategy that depends on people underestimating me as well as the unfortunate passing of my opponents.