No Child Left Behind

My inbox is chock full of great questions from concerned citizens. Due to time and intelligence restraints, I’m only able to answer one question at this time…

Q. Are you for or against leaving children behind? Please make a statement regarding this important issue. Thanks for your time.

A. I think it was Ronald Reagan who said, “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way”. But, even Reagan couldn’t have predicted how dumb kids have gotten in the 21st century. Their brains are fried thanks to near lethal doses of video games, you tube, and text messaging. Do we really want our future to be in their hands? Of course not. It just makes sense to leave the dumbest kids behind. But since the dumb bar has been set so low, I’m worried that leaving kids behind would result in the overcrowding of our public schools by big, dumb kids.

The complexity of this issue forced me to waste some time reading about the controversial “No Child Left Behind Act” on Wikipedia. I couldn’t make it through more than a few sentences without thinking that we might be better served by leaving a President behind. It looks like just another way to encourage our brightest minds to choose a profession other than teaching. It piles more work on educators who are already overworked and underpaid.

NCLB’s emphasis on reading and math ensures that teachers will be forced to take time away from other subjects. Reading and math are overrated. To focus on them and not teach comedy will do our country more harm than good. Do we want our kids to grow up with the misguided notion that shows like “According to Jim” are actually funny? Reading may be fundamental, but it’s not very funny. It’s time we develop curriculum aimed at cultivating the comedic sensibilities of America’s future comedy writers. Assuming my Presidential term sinks our country even deeper into the proverbial crapper, it will be more important than ever to laugh.

On a more serious note, the biggest issue I see in education is that teacher salaries and benefits continue to lag well behind corporate jobs that require similar skill sets. Today’s youth gone wild are not going to want to teach unless we make it worth their while. Under my leadership, teacher salaries will increase with the help of online poker. If online poker was legalized and regulated, it is estimated that we would see a $3 billion boost in tax revenue. That $3 billion sounds like a lot, until you divide it amongst the 3 million teachers in the U.S. 1000 bucks per teacher isn’t going to cut it. But, what if teachers were given the exclusive ability to recruit online poker players and got a percentage of the action that they brought in? “Okay class. Today we’re going to learn how to get a credit card in your parent’s name and start an account at Party Poker”.

We needn't continue burdening teachers and students with pointless NCLB testing. It's time we had an educational system centered on comedy and poker. Kids will have fun learning and teachers will be more motivated than ever. Politics is easy.