Letter to Anna Nicole Smith

Dear Anna Nicole Smith,

Watching your career had been like watching a rose bloom. You were a remarkable woman. I can’t wait to see the tribute that Sir Elton John puts together for your funeral.

Your life was an inspiration. Having no more than an 8th grade education, you worked your way up from fast food worker, to stripper, to Playmate of the Year, to wife of a billionaire on his deathbed. Talk about the American dream.

I have attempted to model my career after you. I too worked in the fast food industry as a teenager, eventually working my way up to the guy who calls your name when your food is ready. You fell in love with a fry cook, married and had a baby while still in your teens. I too had a thing with a fry cook, although fortunately for me our relationship did not result in marriage, as he was a little man from Paraguay named Luccho. Our “thing” was that he’d call me “Mateo Van Halen” and I’d call him “Luccho Bon Jovi”. In a lot of ways he was a much more reliable buddy comedy partner than Craig.

I still hope to follow in your footsteps as a pole dancer and playmate, but Dr. 90210 won’t return my calls. If I’m going to take my clothes off for money, I really need to get a breast reduction that will still enable me to maintain that natural look. If I don’t hear back from him soon, I may have to skip right to the marry a billionaire phase, but that could prove to be difficult, because I’m not even sure Oprah likes dudes.

Anyway…just wanted to thank you for all you’ve done for me and wish you best of luck with your new VH1 show, “Last Sire Standing” (presented with limited commercial interruptions by “1-800-DNA TYPE”), where all your potential baby’s daddies move in with Flavor Flav. One by one contestants will be eliminated until the true father of your child is revealed. I’m rooting for Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband.

Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did,
Matt